Valmy in SPAAAAAAAAACE (Mass Effect Series AAR)

[Valmy]

Jack is a biotic, she can raise shields or something

A mass effect field did it

I figured Miranda was a Cerberus bitch because she's a commander and a poster girl for the organization.  Beautiful and smart, totally deadly and ruthless.  Unlike Jack, she got the better of Cerberus and she's perfectly sane.  Jack got the wrong end of the stick and she resents Miranda for that.

I mean I get that there are many reasons one might hate Miranda. I think Miranda is most comfortable when she is hated, since she kind of resents herself. But Jack's bizarre apologism for everybody else in Cerberus just makes it weird and feel a bit artificial. Like Jack and Miranda are just supposed to be rivals.

[Malicious Intent]

[spoiler]You shoot the camera[/spoiler]

Ah. I thought maybe he was going to start demolishing Hock's priceless art objects. Though come to think of it he has few problems with Eclipse spraying small pieces of metal all over the place. Probably knocked David's other two limbs off.

[spoiler]Shepard does indeed shoot some some piece of Hock's collection during the renegade interrupt. [/spoiler]

[viper37]

Weirdly [spoiler]Thane, despite being the only Drell in the entire series so far I am aware of[/spoiler] DOES have one. And [spoiler]Legion is a robot so...[/spoiler]

well, you get to meet another Drell and someone else later.

[viper37]

I mean I get that there are many reasons one might hate Miranda. I think Miranda is most comfortable when she is hated, since she kind of resents herself. But Jack's bizarre apologism for everybody else in Cerberus just makes it weird and feel a bit artificial. Like Jack and Miranda are just supposed to be rivals.

Her... personality is somewhat explained by Lt Kelly Chambers at some point.  From this, and both girls stories, you can deduce a few things.

[Valmy]

Girls? They are strong psychopathic women thank you very much 

[viper37]

Girls? They are strong psychopathic women thank you very much 

Just the average girls I meet.

[Valmy]

MASS EFFECT 2 PART FIVE or SHEPARD LIVES, PRAETORIAN DIES, VALMY TELLS THEIR STORY

So, the Illusive Man tells Shepard that the Collectors should be hitting the human colony of Horizon any minute now. They need to get right there and catch the Collectors in the act and...um...I don't know. Learn something I guess. It all depends on if Mordin has the countermeasure ready to go. But then the Illusive Man tells Shepard a truly horrendous secret.



'What? They promoted Alenko and not me?!'

Hell, he has been promoted twice since Mass Effect. In Mass Effect 3 Shepard is going to be under the command of Grand Admiral Alenko isn't he? If Shepard saves the galaxy he better at least be made Captain. Maybe even Commodore if the Alliance is feeling generous.

Shepard stops by to talk to Mordin.



'So the countermeas...wait how did you get that thing? Did you make it? Did you make your own seeker swarm just from bio data? You sick bastard.'

So Mordin has not only made his own bio weapon, which is something to keep in mind should you be planning on pissing of the Salarians anytime soon, but he has an experimental countermeasure. I guess this means he possibly rendered his new weapon obsolete before it could even be use. But first let's do a live action field test.

Now the people on Horizon do not like the Alliance for bizarre and unstated reasons. So Alenko is just getting a bunch of shit for going out to protect them from being abducted. Considering the Terminus Systems are dominated by species that are extremely bigoted against humans and love enslaving humans the Alliance must have done something truly horrendous. Probably had rules and red tape getting in the way of the violence and mayhem the galaxy needs.



'Yeah I am sure that line works with military people all over the world. Nothing personal but I just hate everything you stand for.'

But then the Collector ship arrives and sends out the Seeker Swarms, which paralyze everybody including the brave Commander Alenko. As the Collectors start arriving their general possesses one of them to direct traffic I guess.



'You are going to force them all to play Ultima IX? YOU MONSTER!'

But shortly afterwards Shepard and his squad arrive to test out Mordin's weapon. It seems to work. Which is good because otherwise this would be a real short game. Shepard gets in there and starts shooting the Collectors and they seem much less surprised by this development than one might think.



'See you have shields, which are mass effect fields that create a kinetic barrier, and then you have barriers which are mass effect fields that...um...do something biotic-y.'

Now I brought Garrus along because I thought he and Kaidan might say something to each other but his Overload is mostly ineffective. But as of right now only Miranda has Warp anyway.

Eventually they start to encounter our favorite space zombies, the husks. This is pretty inconvenient when Collectors are shooting at you but Mass Effect 2 really loves to do this sort of thing moving forward.



'Man everybody claims to have been on Eden Prime.'

But yeah the Collectors are not turning the humans in husks, letting you know that is not what they are kidnapping them for. Rather they just have a bunch of husks they carry around with them, I wonder what space zombies do when they are not fighting anybody?

So eventually they fight through the Collectors and reach a warehouse where one guy was hiding out. He is a nameless man who only goes by his profession 'mechanic'. He is really mad at us for leading the Collectors to the warehouse because somehow we were supposed to know he was there. He hears that it is the Collectors attacking the colony and he is surprised because:



'Let's see...the Terminus is filled with brutal gangsters and dominated by a species that specifically hates humans and you think the Alliance invented a race famous for randomly showing up and giving you priceless technology for next to nothing to keep you in Alliance Space? What did you think they were scaring you with? Vast wealth?'

I can only assume this colony is a treatment center for people suffering from paranoid delusions. He tells us about the laser towers the Alliance installed and where the transmission tower is. So, the plan is to get to the tower and patch the Normandy through so EDI can activate the defense towers and shoot at the Collector Ship. He opens the door on the other end of the warehouse and goes back to hiding.
Shepard and company fight through more Collectors and their various minions.



'Exogeni and Cerberus are super excited about these new space zombie advances.'

I better make sure the Illusive Man doesn't get his hands on those things.

They make it to the transmission tower and can get in touch with the Normandy. Wahoo! The Collectors are screwed now!



'What? Why? Why do these damn towers take so long to boot up?!!'

Because it will be much more exciting that's why! The Collectors and their husks pour in and they must fight like hell. I guess to protect the transmission tower? Though the Collectors hang out by the tower during the fight and never try to destroy it or anything. While you fight the Collectors their general keeps possessing individuals to taunt Shepard, they really don't like Shepard.



'Of course Garrus also thinks every time a bird shits on him it is a compliment from the gods.'

Once the towers come online and start shooting the Collectors stop fucking around and send the elite space zombie after them. The Praetorian. Which is like a Praetorian Guard of husks all fused together and able to fly. Advanced Collector Technology helps you make super zombies by combining them together. 'Space zombies combine to form Devastator!'

Fortunately, Shepard is ready...since I played this game before. Oh Shepard found a Collector Death Ray just laying around on this level, without knowing that this next part might not make sense.



'You have a Collector Death Ray? I have a Collector Death Ray! We have so much in common! Only one of us is exposed flying in the air.'

Once the thing evaporates the Collector Ship starts taking hull damage and flies away. The mechanic guy then comes rushing out furious that Shepard drove off the Collectors even though Shepard told him exactly what his plan was earlier. I mean if he had wanted us to not drive away the Collectors he probably should have mentioned that back in the warehouse.

Shepard says he managed to save half the colony and Garrus basically says 'damn right Shepard.' Then the mechanic realizes who he has in front of him,



'Ok, ok, I see what's happening here
Your life has just been saved and it's strange
You don't even know how you feel
It's adorable!
Well, it's nice to see that people never change

Open your eyes, let's begin
Yes, it's really me, it's Shepard: breathe it in!
Forget what you've heard and what's been said
It's your hero back from the dead!

What can I say except you're welcome
For stopping all those killer AIs
Hey, it's okay, it's okay
You're welcome
Just one of those space hero guys

Hey!

What has two thumbs that held up the sky
so Terra Nova did not die?

This guy!

When Feros was saved
Who beat the Thorian down below?
You're lookin' at him, yo'!

Oh!

Also I saved Elysium
You're welcome!
And beat those slaver scum

Also I stopped Saren's Krogan
You're welcome!
And saved the galaxy again

So what can I say except you're welcome
For preventing extinction galaxy-wide
There's no need to say, it's okay
You're welcome!
Ha, I guess I just like stoppin' genocide
You're welcome!
You're welcome!

Well, come to think of it

Sir, honestly I can go on and on
My career's one heroic phenomenon
The Rachni, Prothean relics found, oh
That is Shepard just messing around

Stopped a plague
And blood pack mercs
preserving Omega, just one of the perks

What's the lesson?
What is the take-away?
Don't mess with Shepard when he's on a break-away!

And here on the achievements screen
Is the list of the victories I've seen
Look where I've been
I make everything happen
Look at that Garrus just tippity-tappin'

My apologies to Lin-Manuel Miranda and the other Miranda also who had to stand next to Shepard as he was singing and Garrus was apparently tap dancing.



'You're welcome! And fuck you!'

Man never had somebody tell Shepard to fuck off just a few seconds after saving their life before. Usually they have to stop and think about it a bit first.

Just then Kaidan appears and calls the mechanic Delan so at least I now know who to send the Batarian slavers after later. Kaidan and Shepard shake hands for a few seconds and then Shepard asks him how he has been. Kaidan is a little annoyed.



'Well to be fair nothing did happen until a few weeks ago.'

Then the conversation gets strange. Kaidan asks him why Shepard did not try to get in touch. Shepard has made numerous attempts in the game so far to get in touch with Alenko since the beginning of the game but instead of saying that he makes a lame excuse that he did not want to open old wounds. Huh? Why not tell Kaidan we tried to get in touch with him but both Cerberus and the Alliance blocked him? Why lie? Weird.

Then Kaidan said he got a report that Shepard was with Cerberus and the Alliance suspected Cerberus was behind the missing human colonies. Fair enough they do have a rather extensive history of doing that. Then Shepard goes a bit off the reservation and insists that the Alliance has turned its back on human colonies and only Cerberus is doing anything about it. That seems a weird claim to make when talking to an Alliance soldier sent to protect a colony. I was like    why the hell did Shepard say that? He has not gone after the Alliance at all in the game up to now.

So naturally the conversation kind of went downhill after that.



'Yeah...I guess I did. Not sure why I said that.'

Anyway, it was kind of a bust with Garrus to. He and Kaidan did not acknowledge each other at all. Lame.

So Horizon is a great mission if you like to save the day and have everybody hate you afterwards!

Shepard goes back to the Normandy and he has some questions for the Illusive Man.



'I am shocked SHOCKED to see Cerberus putting human colonies in danger!'

So basically the Illusive Man tipped off the Alliance and somehow got them to send Alenko to Horizon guessing this would draw the Collectors in since he thought perhaps the Collectors were after Shepard. He was right so everything went down like he predicted.

Anyway now that Mordin's countermeasure is a success now the Illusive Man is going to focus on finding out how to survive going through the Omega 4 relay. You know I just realized we had a thread recently where Languish told me that 4 is connected to death somehow in China right? And Omega is also considered like death since it is the last letter in the Greek alphabet. So this is kind of like the death death relay. Nice.

But while the Illusive Man deals with the main plot Shepard has some side quests to take care of.



'Ok let me know when you have figured out how to beat the bad guy...and I mean the bad guy who is not you.'

So now there are three more recruiting missions:

Tali'Zorah vas Neema: You may remember her. She is on some kind of mission deep in Geth Space.

Samara: Asari Justicar, which is some kind of samurai monk Asari. She is on the Asari Terminus world of Ilium.

Thane Krios: Drell assassin also supposed to be on Ilium. He is a Drell which is another new species for Mass Effect 2.

Shepard leaves the com room and Jacob greets him, eager to get through that Omega 4 Relay to experience death death. But he says there is unfinished business to attend to.



'Huh...right I forgot that everybody on the Normandy has issues with their dads.'

But will these father issues be as extensive as they were in the first Mass Effect? We will see...but the answer is yes. But Jacob does not seem to be very close to his dad. It seems his dad was not a very present person in his life and he claims he already considered him dead when then ship went missing. So...damn it Jacob! Surely you have to care about somebody or something.



'You're welcome!'

Glad somebody was impressed.



'Well the first few seconds were nice. Then it got weird. Wait...Staff Commander? WTH does that even mean?'

That is all the Kaidan we get in this game as well I think. You know Kaidan said that Shepard is blinded to Cerberus' evil because he is grateful to them for saving him, which is sort of true. But how did Kaidan know that?

Anyway that was a weird conversation. I think Bioware could have written that better. They made Shepard say kind of assholish and out of character things so Kaidan would have a reason to get mad at him. At least that is what it seemed like. But enough about that.

The Salarian Shepard scanned the Keepers for back in Mass Effect Part 2 made a shocking discovery!



'Gosh...I feel kind of bad for not telling you that back when I discovered it back in Mass Effect Part 10.'

In the mess Jennifer Goldstein reveals she was living on Horizon before she joined Cerberus.



'Yeah there is no way anybody on this ship will ever have any run ins with the Collectors.'

Her relief may be somewhat misplaced.

Miranda also has a small issue that Shepard needs to take care of. She already explained to Shepard that she was genetically engineered by some megalomaniacal asshole but it seems he made a backup.



'Huh...Miranda's sister is controlled by Cerberus. This might just be a security problem.'

I do like how she tells Shepard how she tries to avoid discussing personal matters despite pouring out all her insecurities and vulnerabilities to him previously.

Anyway so her sister has been living comfortable on Ilium, coincidentally where they are going soon anyway, but her sources have told her that her father is closing in. So the Miranda clone needs to be moved off world with her family. So there two straight dad related missions in a row. Still have some ways to go to match the first game there.

So they are going to meet Miranda's contact on Ilium. Soon. Very soon.

Even Zaeed is impressed with what happened on Horizon.



'Man I am glad all my fans just happen to be on my ship.'

It is good for Shepard's morale.

What's probably not good for his morale is Jack's disturbingly cheerful rantings about all the violent and vicious crimes she has been committing.



'Well I am glad you don't murder for the excitement.'

So he asks her about it all and gets all the gory details. She is somewhat moved by his personal interest in her.



'Well I am getting emotional over this tender moment Jack.'

Enough of these warm fuzzies let's go to Omega and bask in the corruption. Well actually Shepard is going to buy anything he has not bought there yet. A few new things tend to appear after every major story mission. Along the way they run into an old friend of Miranda:



'Oh man I bet that mission was a fun game. Pity EA deleted it.'

Seriously. There is an iOS Mass Effect game (two actually) that EA has since removed them so they can never be played unless you previously bought them. So when I learned about these games existence I was going to do little mini AARs of them here (though I was not sure how I was going to get the screenshots) but I can't. So I won't. Thanks EA. I don't even know if that was a sarcastic thanks or not.

I should have brought Jacob along to see what he had to say. Ish wants them to get some data that was dropped on Ilium and the Citadel. It kind of sounds like he is going to use this data to go after Aria, which would be suicidal but I am sure yet.

But on to the Citadel!



'Disappeared? But only a third of them disappeared! And a very handsome space hero saved the day! Man did she miss a big story.'

Maybe Shepard should start feeding her stuff. Shepard finds the drop Ish wanted and sure enough it is talking about ways to overthrow Aria. Ish is one crazy Salarian.

Back on the Normandy Kelly uses her psychological training to provide Shepard with the insight that Jack might be incredibly dangerous. This is why we need professionals. She does have a warning for him:



'Well she did use the word 'fuck' with me recently.'

Yeah how will Shepard ever resist?

But enough of this. Let's go kill some Geth just like the old days.



'1896 was a bad year both for the Quarians and for William Jennings Bryan.'

So Tali is supposed to be on this Geth controlled world doing some kind of secret mission. We get to see a Quarian world though and its charming cement block architecture. Also it has a charming sun that fries shields.



'Good, then we will fight in the shade! Oh come on it had to be said.'

It is not just the sun that is the problem there though. The Geth have found the Quarians and are beating the hell out of them. But the Quarians are toughing it out because they need the vital data from this expedition. So very vital.



'Huh...brutalism plus rust colored accents...this planet looks weirdly like Port Hanshan on Noveria just without the water features. Weird.'

Still think Sheilbh would like it.

Still the true joy in this level is using the AI hacking every chance you get. I only put one point into it but that is all you need. You automatically succeed for any Geth without shields or armor and they turn on their buddies for a short time. Also useful against robots.

As they approach a Quarian controlled bunker and Geth drop ship comes in and actually launches an aerial attack!



'Oh so you CAN drop bombs.'

But as you can see they only drop bombs to block the entrance to the Quarian bunker. But fortunately the Quarians have a couple industrial demolition charges around.



'Um you do realize Shepard nearly destroyed a Prothean Ruin and nearly killed us all when he did that right?'

Tali seems to be lobbying for the presidency of the Shepard fanclub away from Liara. She even randomly mentions in her logs how she wishes Shepard were there to help her kill Geth and stuff.



'Shepard breaks the tough guy code by looking at an explosion.'

Yes I brought Garrus along. Since he didn't say much to Kaidan I thought maybe there might be some dialog for he and Tali. Nope. Garrus fails me again.

Inside the bunker all the Quarian marines are dead. Shepard gets in touch with Tali.



'Well I am here to recruit you for a terrorist organization. Exciting huh?'

But Shepard plays it cagey (as in he lies) and the Quarians are in no position to ask to many questions about why he is there.



'Hey a Geth Prime! Since I had to play Mass Effect on a lower difficulty I barely got to see you guys.'

Shortly after that they get to the FINAL BOSS. There are only two Quarians left now. One is the hero of Canton the man they call Kal'Reegar. The other is Tali who is locked in a room on the other side of a Geth Colossus. Well that is no problem let me just go get the Mako and...oh right.



'Adam Baldwin! I have come here from the future to warn you that helping to create the Gamergate hashtag might make it difficult to get future gigs with Bioware!'

Here he gives you a few options on how to attack the Colossus. Two are stupidly suicidal and one is stupidly awesome.



'Sniper perch? Say no more!'

Then Shepard has another of his macho confrontations with both Kal'Reegar and he trying to out-hero each other. Eventually he convinces Kal-Reegar to not die and guard the rear.



'Yeah you kill some guys to!'

So the geth come at them in massive waves. Having Shepard's AI hack with Miranda's and Garrus' Overload makes them able to cope without too much trouble.

So they get on the Sniper's perch:



'Good thing the Geth put these boxes here. Their position would be unassailable otherwise.'

Once they are in position it is time to zap the Colossus.



'I love the Collector Beam. It feels like you are sucking out their shields, armor, and health.'

So that was that. Nothing to it. This time Tali agrees to go with Shepard and Kal'Reegar takes whatever their super important MacGuffin they gathered on this planet back to the Migrant Fleet. I will maybe mention that MacGuffin if it ever turns out to be important.

When they get back to the Normandy Jacob gushes over Tali'Zorah's amazing engineering talents.



'Well you did meet him once before and he wanted to kidnap one of the other Quarians and...oh am I not helping?'

But Tali says she will put up with working with her people's hated enemy since she trusts Shepard. Everything seems to be going alright...but then Jacob says this:



'Mentioning synthetic life forms to quarians...awkward!'

Jacob you old smoothie.

Joker is happy to have another of the old gang on board.



'Really? Because I don't recall you ever saying a word to each other before.'

Joker is about to be called out for anti-quarian microagressions.

Kelly seems to think Tali is really into Shepard.



'Wow you must be really sensitive because she has never so much as even awkwardly attempted to flirt.'

I have to admit since they are radically different species whose fluids are probably toxic to each other I guess I didn't think quarian-human could be a thing when I played the first game. Maybe descriptions of quarian political systems is how they seduce each other over there on the Migrant Fleet.

Speaking of which the Migrant Fleet Admiralty Board (for details on how this august body functions you can check out Tali's dialog from the first game) approves her transfer to the Normandy.



'The sentimentality with which Rael'Zorah talks about his daughter brings tears to my eyes.'

Meanwhile Jack reveals she was raised by Cerberus in a facility where she was brutally abused to coax out her biotic abilities. That seems ridiculous and unnecessarily evil so that does sound like Cerberus. She has got in touch with the impact this has had on her and developed mature insight on how she can move on with her life. Haha just kidding.



'Blowing up this empty building will be an excellent use of our time!'

Tali's upgrade is to make the Normandy SR2's shields stronger, which should be useful. She also comes on to Shepard pretty brazenly.



'Wow you are one dirty dirty girl. This kind of explicit talk is why this game is rated M.'

But if you thought Shepard had a way with the ladies you haven't seen anything yet. It is on to the planet of the hot blue alien ladies! The third city hub of the game.



Next: Shepard takes and breaks hearts

[viper37]

Now the people on Horizon do not like the Alliance for bizarre and unstated reasons.

Frontierspeople.  Re-Watch Last of the Mohicans a couple times more.  If you still don't get it, rewatch again and again.  People of Quebec did that with Broue.  The show has been running since before I was born so that people could understand it. 

'See you have shields, which are mass effect fields that create a kinetic barrier, and then you have barriers which are mass effect fields that...um...do something biotic-y.'

http://masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Mass_effect_field

I wonder what space zombies do when they are not fighting anybody?

They rest, like everybody else.

'Let's see...the Terminus is filled with brutal gangsters and dominated by a species that specifically hates humans and you think the Alliance invented a race famous for randomly showing up and giving you priceless technology for next to nothing to keep you in Alliance Space? What did you think they were scaring you with? Vast wealth?

they're called "Collectors", because they collect, and not only inanimate objects.  They have a tendancy to raid isolated colonies and abduct people (humans and aliens).

[grumbler]

I'm not sure I 100% understood what happened in this episode, but I am 100% sure that I enjoyed it.

Thanks.

[Valmy]

Frontierspeople.  Re-Watch Last of the Mohicans a couple times more.  If you still don't get it, rewatch again and again.  People of Quebec did that with Broue.  The show has been running since before I was born so that people could understand it. 

Well American frontiersmen didn't get all pissed when the cavalry showed up while they were being raided so maybe I cannot relate

They rest, like everybody else.

Why would they need to rest? They are zombies. I think they just stand around and moan.

they're called "Collectors", because they collect, and not only inanimate objects.  They have a tendancy to raid isolated colonies and abduct people (humans and aliens).

I don't think that is true. They are called the Collectors because they collect weird genetic disorders and the like in exchange for tech.

This is what the game says:

The Collectors are an enigmatic race that live beyond the Omega 4 Relay, a mass relay within the same system as Omega, in the Terminus Systems. They are rarely seen in the Terminus itself, let alone Citadel space, and are generally regarded as a myth by Citadel citizens. Definite sightings of Collectors have been made on Omega every few centuries.

They are most well-known for their odd trade requests for which they offer new technologies, often of a startling level of advancement. Their requests usually involve the trade of living beings in odd numbers and varieties, such as two dozen left-handed salarians, sixteen sets of batarian twins, a krogan born of parents from feuding clans, or two dozen "pure" quarians who have never left the Migrant Fleet due to illness, importance to the fleet, or disability. One of their current interests is in healthy human biotics. No one knows what happens to the individuals concerned after the exchange is completed.

Nothing about them launching raids. I thought it was shocking they were attacking the human colonies because they never did that before.

Ah well. Maybe you are right.

[Valmy]

I'm not sure I 100% understood what happened in this episode, but I am 100% sure that I enjoyed it.

Thanks.

Was it not clear? This game is like 12 different short stories that all get interrupted in the middle so it is hard to keep track sometimes.

Basically they saved 2/3rds of Horizon and drove off the Collectors after the Illusive Man baited them. Now Cerberus is looking for a way to go through the Omega 4 Relay. But first Shepard needs to get a few more team members so I got Tali. She was on this planet in Geth space getting data on a sun that was dying a few billion years prematurely. This may or may not be an important plot point later on.

Next Shepard is headed to the planet Ilium to recruit two more team members and help Miranda with her sister.

[garbon]

I feel like the oddity with Kaidan was to make it so he wouldn't end up coming back to your squad in part 2. If he was at all happy with you, his character would totally come running back.

[viper37]

Well American frontiersmen didn't get all pissed when the cavalry showed up while they were being raided so maybe I cannot relate

Before the Cavalry.  People often felt they were left to fend for themselves, and then the army would come and take credit once the major fights were done.  And then there were taxes to pay for the army.  And people did not like that at all and successfully rebelled against the collectors.  But then, the rebels started taxing the whisky and a new uprising took place against the central authority.  And then they rebelled because of the slaves.  And then because of the bathrooms.  It's a never ending cycle.

Why would they need to rest? They are zombies. I think they just stand around and moan.

How do you know they don't need to rest?  For all we know, they have a union representing them and they have a right to a break.

Their requests usually involve the trade of living beings in odd numbers and varieties, such as two dozen left-handed salarians, sixteen sets of batarian twins, a krogan born of parents from feuding clans, or two dozen "pure" quarians who have never left the Migrant Fleet due to illness, importance to the fleet, or disability. One of their current interests is in healthy human biotics. No one knows what happens to the individuals concerned after the exchange is completed.

Nothing about them launching raids. I thought it was shocking they were attacking the human colonies because they never did that before.

Ah well. Maybe you are right.

At least 12 human colonies are known to have been attacked by the Collectors. The first six colonies were attacked in the time between Commander Shepard's death in 2183 and revival in 2185. The latter six colonies, including Cyrene, Fehl Prime, Ferris Fields, Freedom's Progress, Horizon, and New Canton, are attacked over the course of Shepard's subsequent investigation of the Collectors.

[Valmy]

Yeah but that was all just recently. And the Alliance thinks it is Cerberus or other terrorists, not the Collectors. So it could hardly be mistaken for propaganda.

[Valmy]

MASS EFFECT 2 PART SIX or SOME PEOPLE CRY AND SOME PEOPLE DIE BY THE WICKED WAYS OF SHEPARD

Ok so right before they went to Illium they stopped by the Citadel and Shepard buys some more upgrades and does a silly sidequest involving Krogans and wanting to catch fish (spoiler: there are no fish on the Citadel). However Bioware takes a shot at hardcore RPG fans here and back in 2010 it actually kind of pissed me off. Now I just find it funny.



'You were once our champion Bioware. You were once our best hope.'

Let me just say the message was clearly received Bioware

But to be fair nobody ever was successful appealing to the hardcore niche. I mean besides Bioware. Huh.

ILLIUM

The Normandy flies to the Asari planet of Illium. When the customs official arrives she tells them that a benefactor had handled all their fees and expedited their passage through the bureaucracy.



'Liara is here? I sure hope this reunion goes better than it did with Alenko.'

Weirdly there are a ton of reunions on Illium. Everybody Shepard has ever met is coincidentally here at the exact same time and in close proximity to the Space Port.  Small galaxy and all that.

The first reunion is with a good friend from Noveria. You may remember her from her ability to speak through Asari.



'That's good right? You are going to come help us against the Reapers at some point? Is that what you are trying to say here?'

I mean take your sweet time Rachni.

Just a short distance away is Gianna Parasini also from...well she can remind you:



'Oh right! You are from Part Seven of the Mass Effect AAR!'

She offered Shepard a beer should she ever meet him again back in Mass Effect, and on Illium she makes good on her promise and buys Shepard a brew. Underneath the beer glass is a note asking Shepard to help her nail the Asari saleswoman at a nearby shop who is illegally selling Noveria patented mods. Shepard pretends to go buy some to execute a sting operation. Gianna swoops in to bust her. Man what is more heroic than punishing vile violators of galactic patent law? In return for a second bit of assistance Gianna gives Shepard a surprise smooch.



'So I got a free beer for helping you in Mass Effect, a kiss for helping you in Mass Effect 2...I expect you to continue to amp it up in Mass Effect 3.'

And this is only the beginning of Shepard having intimate female contact in this part of the game.

This also gets Shepard a discount at the shop, since you have to do a quest to get this on illium instead of just selling out your good name like on the Citadel.

At the next shop Shepard brings love to another female heart by encouraging an Asari to get over her commitment issues by mating with a mate who lives as long as she does.



'Wait aren't Krogans egg layers so shouldn't they have no sex drive and...eh Asari already break all the rules of nature anyway.'

Anyway the Krogan is all lovelorn and singing really bad poetry to her. But Shepard convinces them to get together and live happily ever after. And I do mean that literally since both species can live 1000 years or longer. This gets Shepard a discount at her shop.

There is another shop but he cannot get the discount just yet.

Nearby he meets another intimate from Mass Effect:



'Yeah! From Part Eight of the Mass Effect AAR! Hey weren't you blue before?'

A side effect from the experience of being under the Thorian's power has messed up Shiala and the other colonists at Zhu's Hope. The humans are getting migraines again (I hope Ian Newstead is enjoying it) and literally feeling each other's feelings like they have a mental connection. Shiala also turned green and her biotics are now unstable. To address these difficulties they signed a contract with Baria Frontiers to receive experimental medical treatment, but this also included being subjected to painful and dangerous medical tests.

The Asari representative of Baria Frontiers refuses to deal with Shiala, angry that aliens do not respect Asari laws. Getting past the fact that Shiala is also an Asari, Shepard sensitively listens to her complaints and discovers she is taking out her deep emotional pain on the Zhu's Hope colonists. Her partner was killed on Rannoch when the Geth rose up against the Quarians. Her daughters all died during the Geth attack on the Citadel. She blames aliens for causing all these wars that killed her entire family. Seems like she should be blaming the Geth but Shepard is much more sensitive and charming than I am and gets her talking about her lost loved ones. In tears she agrees to amend the Zhu's Hope contract.



'That charm skill has still got it!'

Shiala is so happy she thanks Shepard and hints she might reward him in another way in the future.



'Maybe...what? Maybe we have tea?'

Shepard really has a way with the ladies all the sudden.

It is time to go see Liara.



'Woah...apples and trees and all that.'



'Told you there would be a callback.'

Well isn't Illium just a walk down the Noveria memory lane?

Liara is now a cut throat political operator and information dealer. It is quite the shocker; a lot can change in a few years but rarely in such a dramatic way. So yeah the nerd character has become the secret agent white hat gangster character.

She does remain a big Shepard fan though.



'Hugs and kisses. This is what Mass Effect should be all about.'

Shepard asks her to join him but she is very busy doing dirty deeds. She cryptically refers to things she had to do and debts she needs to pay. And then instead asks Shepard to help her.



'Well I am quite skilled at matching colored lines of text.'

Shepard is a little alarmed at how shady this all is but she refuses to tell him because she is sure somebody is listening in on their conversation. Well then. I thought she was just going to publish a few papers about the Protheans based on what we discovered.

Before they go work on this project for Liara, Shepard goes to the local club, Eternity, to scout out where they are meeting Miranda's contact later to discover somebody is trying to extort money out of the place by claiming it is a front for a drug smuggling operation.

And well...it is Shepard's #1 fan from the Mass Effect AAR Part 5, Conrad Verner. This game is a little meaner to Conrad than Mass Effect was. The death of Shepard seems to have sent him off the deep end Don Quixote-like. His wife even bought his armor and paid for him to leave the Citadel. The weapons merchant convinced him she was an undercover cop and Eternity is a front for an illegal drug ring.



'Oh I get it alright. Sadly.'

So Shepard promises to sort this out before the Asari running the place use their biotics to cram Conrad into a shot glass.

This is the quest to get the discount at the weapons shop. Shepard shows up and tells her he is a friend of Conrad's and she then tries to get him to go along with her extortion scheme. So he then turns it around on her and tells her the scheme has worked.



'Jacob is like: 'WTF did I get myself into?' But hey we got the discount!'

She goes off to Eternity to get the goods. Well this should be fun.

But first they have some colored text to match for Liara.



'I am so glad I helped do this...probably unsavory thing.'

Anything for a friend though right? When they get back Liara tells Shepard the debt she has to pay is a rather personal one to the Shadow Broker, who is the galaxy's number one information broker. You may recall him hiring Wrex to kill Fist back in Part 2 of the Mass Effect AAR and him trying to buy data from Shepard in Part 5. Shepard offers to help if she is on the run from the Shadow Broker.



'I...see...'

So the Shadow Broker did something to really piss her off involving one of her former associates. So Liara has dedicated her life to either exacting a bloody vengeance on the Shadow Broker or rescuing her associate depending on his condition. Why can't Shepard have normal friends?

So the next favor she wants Shepard to do is find a Shadow Broker agent know as the 'Observer' so Liara can presumably take care of whoever it might be. She needs him to do more fancy hacking to gather clues about five suspects she has worked out.

So he goes and hacks some terminals and gathers the intel on the suspects but discovers one rather important problem. The 'Observer' is clearly a she and all the suspects are dudes.



'There is an opening for an administrative assistant position in a local intelligence broker office. Please send your resumes and cover letters attention Liara T'Soni. Must be prepared for long hours and being an accessory to the deaths of many people.'

Liara then gives Shepard leads for finding the two people he is supposed to recruit for his crew on Illium. And that is that, Liara goes back in her quest to either rescue or avenge her associate and Shepard goes back to the Collectors thing...for awhile anyway.

Shepard returns to Eternity to meet Miranda's contact but first he witnesses the arrest of the Weapons Merchant who tried to manipulate Conrad. Conrad is confused by this but Shepard gives him the kind of explanation one should give to Don Conrad de la Citadel. He tells him the Weapons Merchant was not an undercover cop at all but a dangerous terrorist and Conrad helped Shepard catch her.



'Conrad is glad his hero is back on the job and goes back home. I am sure his wife will be delighted to have him back.'

Nearby a Human is taking out his Salarian co-worker to have a 'bachelor party' to celebrate the Salarian signing a contract enabling him to fertilize some Salarian eggs. Their Turian Co-Worker is along for the party. They have a conversation about the Asari stripper and have one of my favorite moments in the first two games. A truly mind bending revelation.



'MIND BLOWING. And this is never mentioned again.'

Holy shit so what do the Asari really look like? I bet they are actually hideous monstrosities.

SAVING MIRANDA'S SISTER FROM HER FATHER ON ILLIUM

Then they meet Miranda's contact in Eternity and she lets them know Miranda's father has enlisted an enemy they are very familiar to them.



'So your villain of the mission shall be: Eclipse. I am starting to kind of miss the Blood Pack the other two groups seem to be getting much more action.'

But you better get used to Eclipse since they control most crime on Illium, being a mainly Asari outfit. Niket is Miranda's only friend outside of Cerberus. She knew him back before she defected from her father and he might be her first boyfriend though that is never explicitly stated. He says he will take care of transferring Miranda's sister, Oriana, offworld while Miranda and Shepard will distract Eclipse.

Miranda's father has instructed Eclipse to not kill her if possible so after they arrive at the location Niket told them to go, they have a conversation where Eclipse gives them a chance to walk away.



'Yeah see Miranda was kind of hoping this would get ugly.'

They take out the mercs but during the conversation the Merc says that Miranda kidnapped a young girl. Which is odd since Miranda mentioned a twin sister.  Shepard gets a little annoyed because he assumed she had rescued somebody her own age and feels like she mislead him. She explains her sister is her genetic twin but is quite a bit younger than she is. Even though her sister was just a young child at the time she assures Shepard she did the right thing by nabbing her. She is careful about keeping information about her sister private because:



'Yeah...people like...oh I don't know...nobody comes to mind...Cerberus?'

Yeah and they are getting Oriana's family out through a cargo transport of some kind so they have to fight to the top of a warehouse. There are lots of boxes and conveyor belts and all the other things you need to have a really good Mass Effect 2 fight. Miranda picks up a communicator from a dead Eclipse Merc so they can now hear their com chatter.



'What a foul mouthed Asari. Huh. It almost sort of sounds like they are clearing a path for Niket not trying to stop him...'

Miranda is having a hard time hearing all these announcements; sure that Enyala is somehow trying to fool her for some reason, which is weird since we are tapping into their communications. This mission being in a Mass Effect title it should also not surprise you that the main objectives are to secure slow moving elevators.



'Ok guys lets secure the objective and get in there and have a witty conversation about our last mission.'

They get up to the top and of course Niket is working with Eclipse to return Oriana to Miranda's father. He was willing to stay loyal to Miranda to a point but thought she had gone too far by stealing a small child from her father who genetically engineered her in a lab. His partner, Enyala the Eclipse merc, is quite a mustache twirling villain and just guns down a warehouse worker for no reason.



'What the hell? You are an Asari. Your species has a near monopoly on galactic strippers.'

For being from an all-female species she sure is misogynistic. Anyway Miranda is wearing armor so this does not even make any sense.



'Miranda does not take attacks on her wardrobe well.'

Ok that actually occurred because Miranda and Niket were having this heart felt conversation and Shepard convinced Miranda to let Niket live. And then Enyala, being super evil, just shot Niket dead when it looked like he and Miranda were going to reconcile. Then the battle was on.

Once the mercs were defeated they go to make sure Oriana escapes without any Eclipse interference. Miranda is kicking herself for letting herself trust Niket and letting her father use her personal feelings for him against her. She feels weak for having personal feelings for somebody that left her vulnerable. Shepard reminds her she still has Oriana. Then Miranda sees Oriana in the spaceport and starts getting emotional.



'Ah it is young Miranda...only with brown hair. Wait which one of these women dyes their hair?'

She wants to go but Shepard encourages Miranda to go introduce herself to her sister and her family. Miranda does so and it goes surprisingly well. She comes back all teary-eyed.



'Miranda you softy.'

So Shepard has made two people cry so far! Miranda is a really sensitive person. It is just...unexpected.

But it is not unexpected to Cerberus.



'Yes...for her safety only. No other reason. No sir.'

Miranda seems so oblivious to the obvious here.

ILLIUM

They return to Eternity and discover that a Quarian is being sold into slavery. Indentured servitude is legal on Illium so long as it is voluntarily entered into and the buyer agrees to certain restrictions. The Quarian borrowed lots of money to play the stock market and lost it all. So now it is legal slavery for a few years. Tough break. But Shepard is, as you know, guardian angel to all Quarians so he tries to help. The problem is that the only entity likely to buy the Quarian is Synthetic Insights. You might remember Synthetic Insights from, you guessed it, Noveria back in Part seven of Mass Effect. Synthetic Insights however does not buy indentured servants even though they could use an experienced VI tech like this Quarian. And nobody else can buy her contract because:



'However they are very obedient and house trained. '

But fortunately no difficult situation is beyond Shepard's charm skill. He convinces Synthetic Insights, just like he did to Exogeni on Feros, to do the right thing for publicity.



'And somehow this is profitable. Trust me.'

The guardian angel of the Quarians strikes again!

Back in the warehouse where they were fighting the Eclipse Shepard found a locket with a picture of a human man in it. He just happened to run into the owner of the locket on the way back to the Normandy. She was very grateful.



'Yes! The crying triple crown!'

Shepard brings out feelings in people not even they understand.

THE NORMANDY

Back on the Normandy, Joker wonders if Miranda will loosen up a bit after saving her sister.



'Then she might try to crack jokes and you really do not want that Joker.'

Mordin's task group that introduced the new Genophage has seen one of its members be kidnapped by the Blood Pack on Tuchanka, the Krogan Homeworld.



'They are probably using his bones to pick pieces of him from out between their teeth at this point, but we will look into it.'

The fourth city hub in Mass Effect 2 is Tuchanka. So if you want to see the glories of Krogan 'civiization' stay tuned.

Elizabeth Baynham, from Feros, writes Shepard thanking him for his help with the contract earlier.



'Don't worry most people in the galaxy have shot at me by this point.'

Kasumi does something unusual for this ship:



'Woah. Somebody said something nice about Miranda.'

Miranda reflects on the mission, talks about her sister, and thanks Shepard for stopping her from shooting Niket. Shepard says that he is glad to see her opening up; they have a moment for a second but:



'Oh? Because talking about people's feelings is mostly what I do on these missions.'

A little late to try to stop things from getting personal Miranda after you have been pouring your heart out the last few conversations.

ILLIUM

After that brief break Shepard goes back to Illium and follows the lead Liara gave him to find the Asari Justicar Samara. They are a rigid order of legalistic paladins who are compelled to beat the shit out of the evil and aid the good. The Asari love them but worry when they mingle with non-Asari who tend to frown on being killed for jaywalking.

Samara had to register with the local cops so they could keep an eye on her to protect...well...everybody else.



'That is the face of a very worried cop.'

But there is little they can do to stop her from going wherever she wants and she is investigating the murder of a volus. Yes, this will be a volus heavy mission and yeah they are the butt-monkeys they always are.

RECRUITING SAMARA ON ILLIUM

They go to the murder scene and the dead volus' business partner is very nervous and wants to leave but the cops will not let him.



'Worried a warrior who slays the wicked might be dangerous to you eh?'

They go see the detective in charge of the case and tell her that they are there to recruit the mighty justicar and take her away from Illium. The detective has orders to detain the justicar and is a little worried that justicar might just resist.



'But think of the honor of being killed by such an icon of your culture!'

She gives them access to the crime scene and some of the local cops warn them that the place is crawling with Eclipse mercs. Yep, this is another Eclipse mission.



'Excuse us ma'am have you seen a justicar around here?'

Samara is beating the hell out of the mercs trying to get some information out of them.



'Some people think wearing high heels in battle is impractical but those people have never seen somebody's neck be broken with them.'

Samara says the Eclipse mercs helped a fugitive she is chasing escape Illium and she is trying to figure out which ship the fugitive left on. She says she cannot leave Illium until she completes this task. Just then the detective shows up and takes Samara into custody. Samara warns her that her code will allow the detective to detain her for 24 hours then she will have to kill everybody to escape and continue her mission. This is one bizarre code; I can only assume it is closely related to the Qun from Dragon Age.



'At least she is pleasant and polite about it detective.'

But if Shepard can find the name of the ship the fugitive left on then Samara will go with Shepard and not kill everybody. So that is the mission.

To find more information on the mercs Shepard goes back to the volus Pitne For, the business partner of the murder victim. And let me just say there is a good reason he was worried about the justicar. He does a lot of questionable business on Illium and the Eclipse group he does business with is the same one that smuggled Samara's fugitive off world. He secretly made a copy of the key to their hideout and tells Shepard to go take care of them because Eclipse wants to kill him just as they killed his partner. He seems to have screwed them over by selling them a drug that increases biotic powers but is extremely toxic.



'You know I really cannot blame them.'

So this toxic chemical will get thrown around a lot as Shepard fights through the Eclipse base.



'The chemical makes Shepard look like he has biotics! Biotics that don't do anything and just make him glow blue and will kill him in enough quantities but still.'

As they fight through the compound they eventually find a young merc cowering in a side room. She claims she is only a rookie and never realized that one of the most notorious criminal organizations in the galaxy was bad!



'Wow that is weak. You are lucky I am a paragon Shepard.'

But yeah she was full of shit. In fact she is the person who murdered the volus to begin with.



'Man bad guys need to stop leaving incriminating documents and recordings around in Bioware games. But this will be something good to turn over to the detective.'

I am glad Garrus is not around to see this brazen following of proper laws and procedures and not just killing everybody who looks bad.

Eclipse has a secret weapon waiting for them a bit after this.



'No shields? Damn I was all ready to do an acrobatic leap on top of it to knock them out.'

After the battle they find evidence that Pitne For was not just selling shady toxins to Eclipse but also trading in illegal narcotics.



'In a shocking turn of events a volus is completely contemptible.'

Man it would be weird to meet a decent volus.  It gets worse for volus-kind a bit later. The Eclipse had captured one of Pitne For's employees and pumped him full of the toxic drug to try to kill him. He seems to be living but has gone a bit...off kilter.



'*sigh*'

He eventually falls down and goes to sleep. Though he does end up being a decent enough guy once he recovers. So score one for the volus I guess.

Then they finally make it to the boss woman herself, Captain Wasea. She is a little alarmed at how badly things have gone for her organization ever since she helped that fugitive Samara is chasing escape. She has little to console herself.



'Well I am glad we can bring a little ray of sunlight into your life.'

She starts flinging around the toxic chemicals and the fight quickly becomes a cloud of toxic haze.



'No, you are deep into something terrifying. She is going to join me.'

Yeah...I don't think I will go into that toxic gas could to find you. But Shepard uses the Collector Bean to strip her armor and shields as soon as he can see her and they are victorious. They hack into the Eclipse computer system and discover the fugitive left on the AML Demeter. They return this information to Samara and she promises to help them...in a suitably horrifying way.



'Damn you could have just said 'sure, I'll help.'

What was the point of the mass effect fields? Is she biotically bound to Shepard now?

Oh and when she is done with her oath she will kill Shepard if he ordered her to do anything counter to the code. But did you expect anything different?

Shepard gave the information incriminating Pitne For for illegal drug selling and Elnora for the murder of the volus to the detective and then take Samara out of Illium to the Normandy. All of Illium breathes a sigh of relief.

THE NORMANDY

Once they get onboard the Normandy Kelly comments on Samara's cool knight-monk manner combined with her good looks. Shepard says he didn't bring her along for her looks since he already had plenty of lovely ladies on board *wink wink*. Kelly and he then decide to have dinner together in his cabin. They seem to have had a good time.



'Yeah that monopoly game really got out of hand.'

Kelly then offered to go feed Shepard's fish when he is away. Good I hate when I forget to do that and they all die.

Joker is impressed with the high quality of people they are recruiting.



'Yeah, the Cerberus boutique.'

I mean what did he expect with the Illusive Man picking the recruits?

While Shepard is the guardian angel to the Quarians, Oriana writes him claiming Miranda has been hers and she was always aware somebody was watching out for her. She now wants Shepard to be Miranda's guardian angel. If you are wondering Liara sent Oriana Shepard's address.



'I don't know. Looking out for 17 million Quarians is hard enough.'

Samara's arrival opens up yet another room in the Normandy SR-2: the starboard observation room. It is much less interesting than the port observation room. There are just a few couches and a few books to read while staring out in the void of space.



'I am glad no slackers are here, loafing right in front of their commander.'

Samara sits here and meditates, creating some sort of weird glowy orb. She explains a bit about the bizarre justicar code and how her mission to find this fugitive is very personal. She says she swore to help Shepard because of her code but she couldn't care less why exactly they are doing this mission.



'Good because frankly we don't really have many details to share anyway.'

Kasumi is aware of Shepard's socializing with his assistant and rumors are running wild.



'Was it a date? Darnit I forgot to clear it with Languish if it was a date or not!'

Grunt probably could use a little companionship to take his recent edge off.



'A Krogan concerned he wants to kill things more than usual? Is that possible?'

Grunt is not sure what is going on. But EDI chimes in that little is known about the Krogan medical issues since after the Genophage they have been very protective of that sort of thing. So they will need to go to Tuchanka to get Grunt help. Well they were going there to help Mordin anyway. Huh. Wouldn't Mordin know a lot about Korgan medical conditions? You cannot ask him though. But it is probably wise not to bring Mordin's Genophage thing to Grunt's attention.

Miranda is struggling with feelings of self-loathing seeing what Shepard is able to do and she is struggling to live up to her genetic engineering.



'Ok Miranda your vulnerability and self doubt was cute at first but it is getting a little old.'

Shepard tells her that is a bunch of nonsense and she is who really made her admirable body and mind. She then takes it a different direction by noting that he said he admired her body. They get flirting and then have another moment and then...she stops them again.



'Really? Because in front of this window here and everything I don't know if I can make this any more romantic.'

Ah well. That gives his crew something else to gossip about.

This section was all about Shepard connecting with the women but next time we get a little male energy in there. Plus the Illusive Man screws Shepard again.