Valmy in SPAAAAAAAAACE (Mass Effect Series AAR)

[viper37]

Any updates before the Cap's series begins?

[Valmy]

Ok kind of an embarrassing story really. I have been studying hard for my PE exam which I thought was this Thursday the 27th. I had the 27th marked on my calendar for months. But I went to check something on the exam website this evening and it turns out the exam was on the 21st so I missed it. I am out a couple hundred bucks but fortunately not much else than my pride.

So I guess my plans of studying hard for my exam are now off and I will get back to playing ME2. I expect to have the next update posted tomorrow.

[viper37]

Ok kind of an embarrassing story really. I have been studying hard for my PE exam which I thought was this Thursday the 27th. I had the 27th marked on my calendar for months. But I went to check something on the exam website this evening and it turns out the exam was on the 21st so I missed it. I am out a couple hundred bucks but fortunately not much else than my pride.

So I guess my plans of studying hard for my exam are now off and I will get back to playing ME2. I expect to have the next update posted tomorrow.

damn, that's though
I'm sorry for you Valmy. It happened to me once, in college, I thought my exam was on the afternoon while it was in tthe morning.  I was so certain it was in the afternoon, that I managed to convince the teacher I had the bad info on my schedule and they let me retake the exam in the teacher's office.

[Valmy]

Ok kind of an embarrassing story really. I have been studying hard for my PE exam which I thought was this Thursday the 27th. I had the 27th marked on my calendar for months. But I went to check something on the exam website this evening and it turns out the exam was on the 21st so I missed it. I am out a couple hundred bucks but fortunately not much else than my pride.

So I guess my plans of studying hard for my exam are now off and I will get back to playing ME2. I expect to have the next update posted tomorrow.

damn, that's though
I'm sorry for you Valmy. It happened to me once, in college, I thought my exam was on the afternoon while it was in tthe morning.  I was so certain it was in the afternoon, that I managed to convince the teacher I had the bad info on my schedule and they let me retake the exam in the teacher's office.

Yes but this is not an exam for school so actually it will not hurt me in anyway. Except for the whole money part

I guess if I am going to fuck up something like that I am glad it is something where there are no negative repercussions.

[Valmy]

MASS EFFECT 2 PART THREE or FROM BEKENSTEIN WITH LOVE or THE MAN WITH THE CANADIAN GUN

In this section, we are getting out there in Space and mining for minerals and doing a few other things as well.

So in this game you actually fly your little ship around the system and galaxy map. It makes your ship look as large as entire stars. Not sure why how they did it in Mass Effect was not sufficient but oh well.



They also introduce fuel, which you burn when you fly around the star cluster, but not when you fly around a star system. Nothing really bad happens when you run out of fuel, you just lose more resources and credits. So really this part is mostly a credit and resource drain. So there is pressure on you to use as little fuel as possible.

There was really none of this sort of resource management in ME1, since you had plentiful loot and credits thrown your way constantly. I know I have talked about this before but it is interesting how they really made this a big part of the game. If you do not manage your credits well you will run out of money to buy the last few upgrades, though having the DLC lessens that problem a bit.

But there are also side missions to do on the planets, which are just like normal missions now. There is no exploration or anything like that. The first step is the planet Alchera. The scene of the great Collector/Joker crime of part one.



'I just want to point out that this planet has a thick atmosphere and Shepard's body went through it and fell on the surface and yet was able to be brought back to life. Miranda does good work.'

So in the first mission there are no bad guys or loot or anything to get. You are just down on the surface looking at the wreckage of the SSV Normandy SR1. You are trying to find the dogtags of the 20 Alliance Personnel who died (almost half the crew! Ouch.) and place a monument amongst the wreckage. You have a choice as to what part of the ship deserves the honor of hosting the monument.



'The MAKO is stuck on its last mountain.'

So you wonder around the surface and find the bridge, engineering, the crew deck, and the CIC and get a little image reminding you of what it used to look like.

You also find Pressley's notes and how Shepard helped him become a better person.



'You know this would have been a nice character development for Pressley back in the first game. Just saying Bioware.'

Finally we get an image of our fallen comrades. At least the ones Shepard actually cares about.



'RIP friends.'

Getting this nostalgia fanservice done when I just finished the first game a few days ago is a little weird but hey.
Shepard decides to place the monument at the CIC.



'On this spot Shepard stood for most of the ME1 until Joker got him killed. But he got better.'

Near this spot you can find Shepard's helment and can take it back to your cabin. I totally missed this so now that is going to bother me for the rest of the game. And of course in ME2 you can never go back if you missed something. Ah well.

In the nearby Fathar System Shepard interrupts his mineral scanning and finds evidence of a deep undercover Cerberus agent.



'I wonder what human colony he was trying to destroy?'

Shepard goes in with Mordin and Miranda and discovers an Eclipse base and they have captured Cerberus agent Tyrone Rawlings suspecting he is involved with Cerberus Rachni experiments. So I guess he was involved in destroying Alliance colonies. Eclipse is hesitant to give its agent up to Shepard.



'Hey thanks for putting these conveniently sized and located walls here.'

Shepard finds Agent Rawlings' bloody corpse, he was a bit resistant to Eclipse enhanced interrogation techniques. He also finds the data and...



'Well of course I am going to send it to the Alliance. But Cerberus knew I was going to do that.'

Neither Miranda nor the Illusive Man even seem to mind that much. But that Rachni stuff was soooo two years ago.

Councilor Anderson sends Shepard an e-mail thanking him for the Cerberus data personally but notes it will take a few years to crack the encryption and by then the Galaxy will probably be destroyed anyway. Oh well, no wonder Cerberus doesn't give a fuck. Shepard also gets another e-mail...



'As I said, worst son ever.'

She takes it much better than my Mom would. By the way my Mom just turned 73 on Monday! Happy Birthday Mom!

Speaking of the elderly it is time for Shepard to venture over to the Eagle Nebula. In the Imir System there is the planet Korlus, a vast garbage dump for space ships. Down on the surface the ancient Krogan Warlord Okeer is doing...something or other. Garrus, Miranda, and Shepard go down after him.



'Anywhere lots of conveniently placed walls are located should be assumed to contain hostiles.'

Shortly after landing they find a wounded Blue Suns merc. Man the Blood Pack, Blue Suns, and Eclipse are everywhere aren't they? Anyway he reveals that Okeer is working for the Blue Suns to make an army of Krogan.



'Huh. How do you tell if a Krogan is insane or not? It's breathing?'

So Okeer is making lots of Krogans and then inexplicably releasing them where they fight with the Blue Suns Mercs. Soon they come across these Mercs engaged in this very exciting team building exercise.



'You know you could just talk to me and figure out what I want.'

The Blue Suns I guess just like shooting everybody. I should have brought Zaeed since he seems to know all the Blue Suns personally.
After the Blue Suns are killed they meet their first Krogan clone since Virmire. And yeah I have to admit even by Krogan standards this thing is pretty weird.



'Yeah so...bummer? I guess?'

Some kind of computer program talks to the Krogan's brains. Then if they are not considered good enough they are kicked out and attack the Blue Suns. Weirdly this one decides it doesn't dislike Shepard and tells him all this and then clears some debris to help him along. None of the other Krogans do anything but try to kill them so I guess that just got lucky there.



'Nothing like the smell of burning Krogan in the morning it smells...pretty bad actually.'

They just keep fighting upwards and upwards through Krogans and mercs until they finally reach the pinnacle of...um...this big industrial wasteland they are fighting on.



'I am sure she will come swooping into save the day any second now, she clearly cares a lot about you guys.'

Jedore is not exactly weeping over her casualties. Probably since she is anticipating having an army of infinite Krogans who may or may not eat her at any moment.

Soon they arrive at Okeer's lab and discover he has enlisted an expert from other cloning schemes to cure the Genophage.



'Oh hi! I promise I am not setting off any small nukes this time.'

Yet she does not believe Shepard at all and is sure he is going to blow up the facility. Man where do people get these ideas? She is the one making the teaching protocols that teach the cloned Krogans. She says the Okeer is not trying to cure the Genophage at all but rather to make Krogan better somehow. After that she runs off in terror. Garrus seems disappointed they let her go a second time. Someday he just knows Shepard will just shoot bad guys in the face.

Next they enter Okeer's lab. Hey this is Krogan scientist #2.



'It would have helped speed things along if you had not also sent an army of angry Krogan clones after us.'

Though frankly it kind of feels like we fought the Blue Suns for absolutely no reason at all. Like I bet the Mercs would have been eager to help us take Okeer out of here. But we have a contractual obligation to kill Blue Suns, Eclipse, or Blood Pack during every mission so there is that.

Okeer is happy that Shepard blew up the cloning facility on Virmire because he thinks quantity has no quality of its own. He thinks the Genophage has had the horrible side effect of making Krogan care for their children since there are so few of them and this is making the Krogan weak and soft. So, he is going to cull through all the wimpy Krogan, like the Spartans of old, until he makes a truly awesome one. And he thinks he has achieved this with his last sample so now he is eager to leave. Oh, and he has been doing this by trading with the Collectors for weird Collector tech, making him one of the few Collector tech experts around.

But first Shepard has to take care of his former partner Jedore. She is down in a lower lab with some crazy Krogans and a giant battle robot. This is a pretty tough fight with newly born Krogans running at you while Jedore and the robot fire at you. Fortunately, the Krogans only come one at a time.



'Happy birthday baby Krogan! Enjoy your few seconds of life.'

Man that was dark. Once the Krogans are taken care of the fight is straightforward. But once that is over then we hear that poison gas has flooded into the other lab. Did Jedore do that? Did Okeer? What the hell is going on? I am not sure. But you rush back to Okeer's lab and he is dying.



'Why? Why are you referring to him as a 'grunt'? Grunts are usually not what people call elite soldiers.'

So...right...why did that happen? Garrus says Okeer was nuts to sacrifice himself for this pure Krogan. I guess if that is, in fact, what happened that was kind of nuts.

Oh and Okeer says that he has no idea why the Collectors are after humans. Just to assure you something tied to the main plot happened in this mission.

The crew all bickers about whether or not they should open the tank but hey Cerberus has Shepard recruiting all kinds of incredibly dangerous and unstable people so I am not sure why this things is special.

Meanwhile Mordin has a confession to make about the Genophage.



'But...this secret has nothing to do with our mission. I don't need to know that you cheated on your taxes last year either.'

He and his team designed a new Genophage since the main thing that determined if a Krogan lived or died was now the Genophage so over the centuries resistance to it began to set in. So, they made a new fancier Genophage and secretly infected all the Krogans with it. Now Shepard can say 'awesome! Great job with the bio-weapons!' or 'You Monster! The Genophage is an unambiguous evil!'. Frankly I have no idea what to think about the Genophage, especially if it is true the Krogan population is in fact not actually decreasing as Mordin says. In this case though, Shepard just says 'I see. Thanks for telling me this completely non-Collectors related piece of information.'

Shepard tells Jacob he would like to get to know him on a personal level. This makes Jacob uncomfortable.



'Fortunately I hide my bullshit behind these steely manly eyes.'

But Jacob says he really has no personal life. He has no family, no friends, no nothing. He just does his job. For some reason. Come on Bioware you need to give this character something. Garrus and Zaeed are one note nutcases but they both crack jokes and have some attitude about it. But Jacob is supposed to be this...um...good person I guess. He needs to have something going for him. Just give him a hobby. A few friends. A reason he has devoted his life to helping humanity and the galaxy. More on this character later.



'Something like that. Only full grown and likely violent.'

They should have let the Krogan out back on Korlus. He could really fuck things up on a ship.

Joker is annoyed that EDI is spying on him.



'And it reports everything we say to the Illusive Man. But I wouldn't worry about it.'

We should learn to embrace our new AI overlords.

Meanwhile Zaeed admits even his greatest and most tender love affair ended in a violent shower of blood.



'But that was nothing compared to what went down with my babysitter when I was 10.'

Zaeed...he kills stuff. Just in case you missed it.

Shepard then goes into the Port Cargo Hold. Yeah! New room on the ship unlocked!



'Breeding pod makes it sound so much more fun than it actually is.'

EDI confirms the Krogan is not especially dangerous, for a Krogan. So why not open it up? I mean Zaeed is nearby if something needs to be killed.

So he opens the pod.



'Hello newborn Krogan! Welcome to life I cannot wait t...AAAAAAAHHH!'

So the baby krogan throws Shepard up against the wall and threatens to kill him unless Shepard gives him some tough opponents to fight. Shepard assures him they are fighting the Collectors and that seems good enough for him. He also needs a name so he decides that 'Grunt' is good after what Okeer said. I just don't see how 'grunt' is the superlative these krogans seem to think it is.

So it is good Shepard did not wake Grunt to help him collect past due credit card payments or something.

Kelly worries that a newborn Krogan might not be entirely stable.



'Well let me ease your mind and assure you he is both violent and unpredictable.'

But next the game experiences a hijacking...



'An American Civil War Hijack that is!'

So yeah an American Civil War analog was fought in the Amun System. They are even currently carrying out a 'reconstruction' and there was a 'high water mark' for the rebels. I bet Batarian Stonewall Jackson was a tough opponent until he was shot by his own troops at the battle of Alphaepsilonville.

But despite the place being covered with wrecked space ships EDI thinks there is one wreckage that needs to be explored on the planet Neith since it is letting off a distress signal.



'Movement but no organic life? Whatever could that be?'

Well it's not Geth since this is ME2. So yeah...it's more robots. The VI of this ship, the CSV Corsica (crazy shit going on on Corsica? Shocking.), went insane and started waking the robots that were the cargo of this ship. The crew had to lock the VI out of vital systems and had to abandon ship so here the wreckage lies with no survivors. The VI seems to be using the distress signal to try to draw in some suckers so it can get off world. Well VI your suckers have arrived!



'Wow 180 huh? This is going to be fun. I wonder how these things are marketed? Guaranteed to only murder you 70% of the time!'

But the VI is fine to draw us in until Shepard shuts off its distress beacon and then it sends in the robots to murder him. Just as this happens a giant sandstorm hits because...fuck you that's why!



'Well ok there are about 157 more robots to go.'

Fortunately you just have to run through the robots and the sandstorm to the shuttle. So that was fun. Cerberus tracks the ship and discovers it last docked at Jarrahe Station in the Eagle Nebula.



'So hey just want to dock and see what if you guys can tell me anything about a rogue VI on the CSV Corsica. Hello?'

Huh nobody there. So they dock and quickly find some helpful station workers.



'So...I hear you might have some problems with your VI?'

So yeah yet another mass murder by VI. They are the demons of Mass Effect. What follows is kind of my kind of level, you show up at a disaster and try to figure out what is going on...but you pretty much know the VI went nuts after the CSV Corsica mission. So you solve a few puzzles, nothing as challenging at the Tower of Hanoi puzzle mind you, and then reach the VI core and shut it down.



'AAAAHHH!! EVIL AVINA!'

You discover that the VI going insane and killing everybody happened right after the CSV Corsica docked and that the ship originated at a robot fabrication factory on Capek in the Titan Nebula. Well I bet nothing fucked up will be going on over there!

But first it is time for a fancy soiree.

Despite the promise that Shepard would avoid Citadel space they go over to the planet Bekenstein in the Boltzmann System, in the Serpent Nebula near the Citadel itself, and attend a party of some sort being thrown by supervillain Donovan Hock. Kasumi is out to rescue her boyfriend-in-a-box from his evil clutches. Oh and there is some sort of information in that box that could start an interstellar war as well. For their gift they are bringing a statue of Saren that is secretly filled with their weapons and armor, though Shepard gets to carry his pistol since Berkenstein is an open carry planet.

Wait why are they bringing a gift? Is this Hock's birthday? What exactly is this party for? No idea.

Anyway this is all going to be very spy-like with Shepard even having a cover ID, Mercenary Captain Solomon Gunn a man very accomplished in all sorts of galactic skullduggery and legerdemain. The sort of bad blood only the most bally sod would try to bob. Not sure why I went into Planescape Cant there.



'Would he also respect the sort of person who can read technical mumbo jumbo upside down and in amber? Because I can also do that apparently.'

So yeah Shepard gets a fancy new suit which I will be wearing the rest of the game. If you are a fem Shep you get a swanky dress which she looks rather ridiculous running around in her ambling gait. But the suit works pretty well for dude Shep.

At the party Hock lets Shepard in but wants Kasumi to wait outside because her hood makes her look shady or something. Like that would stop her from getting in anyway.

Shepard goes around and mingles with the smug and rich criminal bastards who Hock likes to hang out with. And let me tell you some of them are crazy conspiracy theorist nutcases.



'Oh sure and the attack on the Citadel was an inside job.'

Crazy talk I tell you.

I am not really sure where Bioware got all the crazy art for this scene but it does kind of look like a modern art gallery so good job. Shepard does kind of enjoy the party.



'Corruption and violent evil has never looked so scenic.'

But he did not come to this party to play, he came here to work. So eventually he finds the vault and it is protected with a shield, a password, a voice recognition system, and a DNA detector. Is that it?



'Kasumi and her freaky cybernetic eyes.'

But despite being able to open this thing in a coma Shepard still has to do most of the work. So they bypass the door to the security room, very subtlety with only most of the party watching. Shepard goes in and uses his pistol to take out the Eclipse guards. I guess Eclipse are the merc band we are fighting in this section. Huh. I guess I thought they were mostly a Terminus Systems thing. Then he finds the password among their bloody corpses.



'I am glad bad guys are so fond of documentation.'

Hock's security is pretty shit since shooting his men does not seem to trigger any sort of alarm. Next they need a voice imprint for the recognition system. To do this Shepard goes up to talk to Donovan Hock about how great it is they are out doing all the crime the galaxy needs. This gets Hock inspired and he gives a rousing, smug, and self-congratulatory speech to his scummy guests.



'Without us doing all the slaving, racketeering, and murder how would society even function? I mean I tell you.'

Man these people are all the real heroes. So next they talk their way into Hock's bedroom and look for DNA samples and let me tell you this guy's cleaners are crazy good. There was not even anything on his bed. But fortunately...



'Hock likes to play with his antique swords. What an adorable bad guy.'

So the last thing they do is find the power source for the shield and it is in his bookshelf.



'Wow dead tree forms of information storage have really made a comeback.'

I mean seriously there were no books at all in Mass Effect but they, and file folders, have really made a comeback since Shepard got killed. But they de-activate this power source and fortunately it connected to nothing else besides vault security. With that they rush into the vault and open it easily. Time to get that box! Inside the vault they discover a vast collection of priceless art objects.

Including the smashed head of Lady Liberty and a submachine gun used to kill two American Presidents.



'Shepard holding the President killing gun in front of the smashed decapitated head of Lady Liberty. Canada is sending us a message here.'

Despite being an antique of sorts the submachine gun is much better than anything else of its kind in the game so Shepard takes it.

But the Statue of Liberty is not the only famous earth statue Hock has in his vault.



'Damn David...so sorry about losing three of your limbs there.'

We can just say it is the statue of a Byzantine official.



'Or the Deep Roads...wait I am not sure why I said that.'

They find Keiji Okuda's graybox and then the fun begins. And oh is it fun. Hock appears as a giant face hologram and starts taunting them and sends his mercs in to kill them.



'Too bad I am playing a Paragon run because I am sure this Renegade interrupt would have been really cool.'

So now they fight through several rooms full of Eclipse mercs all the while Hock is talking crap.



'Kasumi I am pretty sure being a murderer is a compliment for this crowd.'

Murder allows the galaxy to function somehow. This is a weirdly common conceit from Garrus and like half the bad guys. More on this later.

So eventually they make it to the shuttle deck and Hock is waiting for them.



'Wait there was an easy way?'

Not sure what he is referring to there besides just killing ourselves. Now this section is actually kind of ridiculous. Tons of mercs pour in and the first time I played it some kind of bug kept the next scene from triggering so it just went on forever. I think I killed about 20 groups of mercs before they finally managed to outflank Shepard.



'You know you could just fly your little gunship around and have a clear shot at me no matter where I am taking cover...just saying.'

So eventually enough mercs have been killed that Kasumi decides to make her move. And what follows is hilariously cheesy and over the top. She climbs up a bunch of pipes and jumps on the gunship. Yes. And it just kind of sits there while she does it.



'THIS IS SO CHEESY AND YET AWESOME!!11'

I am pretty sure the 'encased in ice' look is not really how kinetic barriers work but whatever. She uses her Omni-tool to de-activate the shields and then jumps off. They then take out the gunship from long range while more mercs pour in. Once it is destroyed the Normandy's shuttle picks them up and Kasumi sees the message from Keiji and he tells her that the information in his graybox will severely damage the Alliance and its relationship with the Council and will probably lead to a war between humanity and the Council races. Well how juicy is that? Also all his memories of their time together come flooding back to Kasumi.



'We may, just may, have killed the only person who ever mentions this again during the entire game series.'

Even though Keiji wants her to destroy the graybox Kasumi wants to keep Keiji around as her weird box boyfriend. Shepard goes ahead and lets her do it since...well...why not? The thing is basically unhackable from what we have seen. Kasumi promises to keep it secret and keep it safe.



'And if you do learn anything meaningful about her we will have to kill you. Nothing personal.'

EDI has discovered that pissing Joker off makes him work more efficiently.



'It is like a sociopathic version of 'her'.'

But while we have been out running around the Collectors have been busy.



'Man I hoped they moved the New Pro Football Hall of Fame in time!'

Maybe we should stop doing all these silly companion missions and get out there and do something about these Collectors!

Next: They don't do anything about the Collectors.

[Valmy]

MASS EFFECT 2 PART FOUR or MACHO MACHO JACK...AND MEN

This episode is full of machismo and posturing so get your testosterone supplements ready!

Kasumi is enjoying her boyfriend-in-a-box.



'Yes...a very weird form. Yet you still have the healthiest relationship on this ship.'

Grunt is doing something dangerous and thinking. He is having an existential crisis. Basically, he is dealing with the same thing Miranda is. What it means to be bred for success.



'I am sure we can find a few instances for you to earn something.'

Grunt is getting deep and introspective here. What amazing conclusions will his thinking lead to? Just you wait.

Kelly is showing how strong her skills as a counselor and psychological evaluator are.



'It's that accent, isn't it? The ladies love it.'

It is on to the planet Capek to visit that factory that made the robots that spread the VI virus that destroyed a freighter and a space station.



'Oh boy an anomaly! I always get so excited to see those!'

The factory is overrun with killer robots and it just keeps making them. It seems there was some kind of bug.



'EA take note of all the damage rushing out a buggy product can produce. It may hurt your marketplace brand. Maybe destroy a few space stations.'

They must fight through the robots to get to the factory controls, which are very inconveniently located at the other end of the factory floor.



'Damn you Bioware for freaking me out by dangling those Ymirs right above us as we fight!'

Fortunately, the Ymirs never drop and eventually Shepard does what he usually does.



'We should have just nuked it from orbit.'

So, that is the end of the software bug gone horribly wrong quest chain. Seriously people debug your code.

Cerberus let Shepard know that the ground vehicle intended for the Normandy SR2, the M-44 Hammerhead, is off being tested by two Cerberus doctors with their ship the MSV Rosalie. They went missing though so Shepard heads off to their last known location in the Ismar Frontier Cluster and the planet Zeona.



'Wait so the doctors just left the Hammerhead behind?'

As weird as it sounds this is exactly what happened.



'Ok Mass Effect 2 really grinds my gears here. Zaeed has a face-mask but his ears and back of his head are exposed to this toxic world? And then Miranda has this silly breath mask as if that is all you need for space exploration.'

I don't get it. They had everybody in space suits in Mass Effect but virtually all the companions in ME2 do not. It is not a big deal, but why backslide on something like that?

Anyway, they find the M-44 Hammerhead just sitting abandoned in a box with no sign of MSV Rosalie and the doctors.



'Plus our VI is voiced by Varric Tethras!'

Yeah Varric voiced Keiji Okuda in the last section as well.

They fly, or hop I guess, around the volcanic planet finding the research of the two doctors and eventually also finding the wreckage of the MSV Rosalie.



'How exactly do we know that research is buried there?'

I am not even sure why they left their research buried in random places in a lava field. The Geth keep attacking the mission and nobody is quite sure why. But the team is doing some sort of Prothean research and their research opens a few leads to follow.

But first: Behold the cargo bay with both the Hammerhead and the shuttle, like God intended:



'It brings tears of joy to my eyes.'

Nearby Grunt has meditated on his existential crisis and has come to the meaning for his existence: killing Turians.



'It is a beautiful thing when somebody goes into a deep introspective place and comes out the other end eager to commit their life to genocide.'

That is not to say they might not find a few Turians who need killing. Maybe even a bit later in this episode!

The perpetually eating members of the crew, who are suspiciously still slim, are impressed with what Shepard has done so far.



'So...three? Really? That shatters all your records?'

Well this is a Cerberus outfit.

Up on the CIC Matthews doesn't have any problems with working with Aliens.



'Yeah if she gives you any weird and apparently useless widgets let me know.'

Wait our crewmen can afford Sha'ira? Not sure the Illusive Man is delivering top shareholder value here.

But it is time to go help Zaeed with that project the Illusive Man secretly signed Shepard up for. It is a little less glamorous than Kasumi's mission.



'Yes the Blue Suns have their own planet of 148 million people. No wonder they seem to have unlimited numbers.'

It is quite scenic. They land and approach the factory the Blue Suns have stolen.



'A black smoke belching smoke stack? How wonderfully Dickensian.'

Though the rest of this mission is little like Oliver Twist...though maybe Zaeed might be a bit like Bill Sykes.

As they advance towards the factory it becomes obvious that Zaeed is just a bit familiar with the factory's new manager Vido Santiago.



'Ah...probably something you should have brought to my attention earlier.'

No wonder Zaeed knows all the Blue Suns personally he is their freaking founder. Zaeed used to lead the squads while Vido handled that contracts. But HR people are eternally evil so eventually he got together a few loyalists and grabbed Zaeed and shot him in the head and left him for dead. Therefore, Zaeed has that weird face thing going on. Shepard gets a little concerned Zaeed might be making this mission a little personal.



'Oh good, I was worried this was going to be a problem.'

This is a very intense confrontation between macho macho men. Miranda is just hanging back smiling slightly. I do not know whether she is going 'men ' or 'men ' but she doesn't say anything the whole time.

They eventually fight their way into the plant through yet more Blue Suns. Vido and some of his men confront them at the entrance and Zaeed responds by shooting open the fuel valves and setting the whole place on fire.



'This bravado is slightly unconvincing when Vido is limping away towards his escape shuttle.'

Since the whole point was to liberate the plant from Vido's clutches Shepard is just a little pissed off at Zaeed trying to blow the whole place up just to take revenge on Vido.
Zaeed wants to just let the place blow so he can get Vido. Shepard and he have a little talk about it.



'RAAAAAAR ME ALPHA!'

So Shepard wins and they run around and shut down the fuel lines and activate the fire extinguishing system and save the plant. Then they run after the Blue Suns and Vido's robot.



'Oh I mean ex-robot. Fights are always best that end with an explosion.'

So with that they run outside to the launch pad just in time to see Vido flying away with some of his flunkies. Zaeed runs up screaming shooting his assault rife in his general direction. He somehow manages to kill one of the Suns before his gun overheats. He takes this setback well.



'Somehow we all knew it would end this way the day I recruited him.'

But the heat clip that flew out of his rifle after his gun overheated earlier ignites some flammable liquid making the pad blow up, sending a beam down on top of Zaeed. At this point he and Shepard scream at each other with Shepard telling him never to let his personal bullshit get in the way of the mission again. After all Shepard is the guy who let his crush blow sky high on Virmire.

Shepard uses his charm skill, and points his gun in Zaeed's face, and Zaeed relents.



'And since we are guys we are probably best friends now right?'

And so they saved the plant and the Edfell-Ashland Energy Corporation pays them. Oh and they got a flame thrower and a heavy weapons upgrade.
Kasumi is impressed.



'Actually I was glad I did not end up having to dodge a bullet.'

Zaeed is now nice and loyal and ready to do the mission.



'Yeah. Maybe we will even do that eventually.'

No hard feelings you crazy old bastard.

So now it is back to tracking those two doctors and their Prothean research.



'Geth? Sweet I have missed them.'

So Dr. Cayce found some Prothean artifacts and marked them. The Geth have now arrived to collect them.



'Oh...nevermind I actually missed the smaller cuter Geth.'

This is not really a true battle with Geth. The Hammerhead has a pretty powerful main gun and its jump jets and ability to slide from side to side make it pretty easy to blow away the Geth at long range.



'Killing Geth in a vehicle among giant Prothean ruins in a linear level. It is like I never left Ilos!'

Somebody is tipping off the Geth to their research. Hmmmm.

The next mission is finding the good doctors base on the planet Karumto in the Caleston Rift cluster. They have a base inside a Prothean Ruin in a very active volcanic region. Man they seem to love those.



'Well I know Joker loves picking us up right beside erupting volcanoes.'

They land and the Hammerhead negotiates the vast ocean of lava and melting rock.



'Ah...ok that looks stable.'

They go into the base and find it shut off. A short exploration of the area reveals why.



So as soon as they turn back on the power the whole place will blow. So they do so, download the data, and run out while the whole region dramatically melts down in a massive eruption.



'SAVE US JOKER! UNLIKE THAT LAST TIME'

So they manage to get back into the ship. They discover transmissions from the station had previously gone to the Geth. Somebody on Drs. Cayce and O'Loy's team is a mole. They now have to discover where they are as soon as possible.

The also discover the Geth had pursued Dr. Cayce's research into anomalous weather on the planet Lattesh in the The Phoenix Massing Cluster. So they head off there next.



'Oh come now I wouldn't expect a vehicle designed for space exploration would have any problems with the cold.'

Boy were we wrong. The Mako could have easily survived this but the Hammerhead is having trouble with only -53C.

But they have to get to each scan spot and get the data before the Hammerhead freezes solid. Nothing really to it really, just speed.



'This is actually screenshot of BB going to work back when he lived in Whitehorse.'

While this atmospheric data was important it actually had nothing to do with the Protheans. So it was a side quest within a side quest.

The final planet related to the Doctors research is Kopis (which is actually a moon) in the Hades Nexus Cluster.



'Oh boy more automated defenders!'

On the surface you see a big energy barrier there are rocket drones swooping around. I am not sure if these drones are put there by the doctors or if they are Geth like in Mass Effect. It is kind of fun to fight them since you have to do it at sort of close range which makes it harder to bob and weave.



'Hah! You missed!'

Eventually they take down the field and descend into the Prothean Ruins. Inside everybody is dead. Dr. Cayce suspected it was Dr. Loy that kept tipping off the Geth and he was working for the Collectors. So they all turned on each other.



'And that crazy paranoid Dr. Cayce was...absolutely correct.'

I wonder what colony it is that the Collectors promised not to attack?

They find the Prothean relic and it looks just like the artifact the Asari Consorts item fit in back in Mass Effect Part 8 on Eletania. When Shepard touches it it shrinks down to a reasonable size.



'I think it wants to come home with us!'

So the end result is that this artifact that these two doctors, the Geth, the Collectors, and the Reapers were so desperate to get is now sitting on Shepard's coffee table on the Normandy SR2.



'This will be quite the conversation piece should I ever invite any Collectors up here.'

What does it do? Why was it significant? Well when it shrunk it gave off energy readings that Cerberus was able to capture and seem to contain Prothean technological data. So Cerberus having access to this advanced technology should be awesome. What bad can come of that?

Speaking of things that cannot possibly go wrong they set out for the Hourglass Nebula to go to the prison of Purgatory to recruit this Jack psycho. They also have a tip from Aria about an Eclipse Cache in a nearby star system.



'So why do they call it the Hourglass Nebula?'

But first they explore the other star system in the area and discover a long lost Alliance ship.



'In Zanethu did Kublai Khan a stately pleasure dome decree.'

So Shepard lands on the MSV Estevanico. The wreck is balanced at the end of a cliff and will collapse at the most dramatic moment possible.



'So I could easily die with very little at stake? Nice.'

But hey I am going to get a reward if I can do this. The data we need is at the very end of the ship right over the cliff. So you know where this is going.

I do not like this mission. It is linear and there is nothing really to do or bad guys to fight or anybody to talk to. And it is buggy. You can get stuck in a few places and levitate in midair with no escape except to restart the mission or reload at a few places, including just a few inches from the end. And there is really no mystery or anything, you just download the data from the ship's computer.



'Plus you get a highly predictable thrilling last minute escape!'

So that is that. Now it is time for the Eclipse Cache.



'Oh man Cerberus would love to get their hands on those crates of...whatever...'

This might be the shortest mission in all of Mass Effect because it has a time limit of probably less than a minute. Eclipse has three Ymirs ready to destroy their crates and they will do it in a shockingly fast period of time.



'Can we blow up those robots fast enough? YES WE CAIN! Ok sorry about that.'

So you rush down and try to hit all three Ymirs with the M-920 Cain, which is basically a small slug fired with such velocity that it...well...it blows shit up. So Shepard rushes down fires it between the three Ymirs and then they have just a little bit of health left which they quickly finish off.



'And ten seconds later they still managed to destroy five crates.'

Bummer. But Cerberus is overjoyed we managed to save 15.



'Thanks. We are damn glad to have the credits.'

Oh Cerberus Command sweet talking will get you everywhere.

There it took me far longer to write about it than it took me to do the mission.

But now it is time to go get our favorite mass murderer out of the joint.



'They sell prisoners to people to serve as slaves? Well that is outra...wait that is what we are doing isn't it?'

Yes. Nothing shady about this.

The guards are less than excited to see them show up and want Shepard to turn over his gear. He refuses. Fortunately the Turian who runs the place, Warden Kuril, shows up and is alright with them bringing their guns in.



'Um you are aware we have a Krogan with us right?'

They could have just brought Jack to the ship. Oh well. Warden Kuril brings a whole new perspective on shady activity in Mass Effect.



'Oh wow so you got tired of rules and paperwork and just wanted to be ruthless and get the job done? How unique.'

I am glad Shepard didn't bring Garrus, he might have defected. Though I am not sure how selling criminals to terrorist organizations fits into this desire to ruthlessly eliminate criminals.

Jack is mentioned a few times as being the most unstable, most violent, most hateful, and most murderous being in the entire galaxy. Wow thanks for that Illusive Man!

However Kuril actually thinks Shepard would be an excellent prize for his menagerie of potential slaves.



'Wait you have me on your space station. You could have captured me a million different ways and your big plan was to ask me nicely to walk into a cell?'

I mean he could have just closed off that room and that would have been it. But really this is just an excuse to start a big fight so the Blue Suns (oh right the Blue Suns run this prison because he is ruthlessly eliminating crime by teaming up with one of the galaxy's most notorious criminal organizations) rush in and the battle is on.



'Grunt shows off his newly found hatred of Turians by flattening one with his head.'

Fortunately Warden Kuril stupidly leaves the security for the entire station nearby so after a few waves of Blue Suns Shepard releases Jack and every other prisoner on the station. Fun ensues!
Jack wakes up out of Cryogenic freezing. Then she breaks out of steel restraints and flattens three Ymirs.



'Hey remember when a full shot from the M-920 Cain failed to destroy three of these things? Well I am more devastating than that. Yes I will never demonstrate powers like this ever again.'

So now they fight through waves of more Blue Suns and inmates while the whole stations starts to melt down into chaos. Entire wings of prisoners and spaced. Way to go Shepard. Eventually they confront Warden Kuril.



'Eventually one of you guys has got to explain how the unwillingness of civil governments to participate in slaving and mass murder is bad for the galaxy.'

I mean the Batarian civil government has no problem with any of that.

This is actually kind of a fun fight as you have to de-activate the Warden's protective energy field while the Blue Suns swarm around you. Eventually Shepard de-activates the shield and I have him retreat so far back I cannot even see the Warden's health bar and then he snipes him dead from extremely long range. It was satisfying.

Meanwhile Jack is blowing away Blue Suns mercs with her amazing cut scene powers and then sees Shepard's ship and throws a fit of rage. But that might not mean anything. Murderous rage is kind of her default.

Shepard comes up and says he is there to recruit and help her. She calls him a pussy, because she is just that hardcore. She really hates Cerberus and wants nothing to do with them. Wow. Thanks again for this Illusive Man.



'Oh? Does this mission require a hole to be blown in our ship?'

For a super agent she sure doesn't think these things through.

Is this nutter even required for this mission? Jack bizarrely says she will join if she gets access to whatever files we have on Cerberus.



'That makes no sense. But hey sure, if the Illusive Man gives me access to them how vital to Cerberus can they really be?'

I love how you cannot deny Jack even if you want to.

I mean she hates Cerberus but will just join up so she can find out who works for Cerberus? Um she works for Cerberus now. Who in Cerberus is responsible for what happened to her? Oh probably the Illusive Man. The guy she just agreed to work for. Probably don't need files to figure that one out.



'Yeah I remember fondly the days you were considered one of the eccentric members of my crew.'

The game kind of loads you up with the insane people early on.

Case in point: Zaeed.



'Yeah I figured you two would get along.'

Zaeed-Jack romance brewing?

The engineering deck now contains a cold blooded killer for hire, an unstable violent Krogan with an existential complex, and a homicidal maniac. So glad we have these people near our most sensitive and vital systems.



'Yeah so...want to go back to the Alliance yet?'

The funny part is she does not actually hate everybody in Cerberus. You ask her about it and she is cool with Jacob. For some random reason. She really just hates Miranda and only Miranda. Why? No reason. I mean sure there are plenty of reasons to hate anybody in Cerberus but she hates Miranda before she even has any idea who Miranda is, she just looks at her and that's it. She is just a 'Cerberus bitch' whatever that means. Why this does not apply to all the other women in Cerberus is never really explained. Hey wait a second...isn't Jack now also a 'Cerberus bitch?' But the Illusive Man? Eh. Yeah it makes no sense.

So anyway she is sitting there looking over the stuff from the Cerberus files and is going to find out who is responsible for what happened to her. Ok so she was abducted, or bought or something, as a small child and was pushed to be the best biotic she could be by some very um...Cerberus-y methods of over-the-top and unnecessary evil. So she wants to hunt down and kill those responsible. Since she has been spending her life killing lots of people who had nothing at all to do with her condition this should be seen as a positive step.



'You know instead of killing other people and pretending they are the people you hate, why not actually kill the people you hate?'

And her plan is to find everybody responsible and get justice...oh but why stop there?



'And then I will track down the dog breeder who sold them a puppy when they were six and KILL THEM. And then find everybody who ever bought a puppy from that dogbreeder and kill THEM. And then find everybody who knew somebody whose Aunt was a roommate with somebody who...'

Gosh Jack if only somebody associated with Cerberus was just a few feet away from you talking with you right now?

Still better than Anders though.

But while Shepard has been dealing with out of control machismo and try-hards the Collectors have, once again, not been idle. But this time he might actually be able to do something!



'Woah! The plot showed up!'

Now things get serious!

[The Brain]

Very enjoyable.

[grumbler]

Best ME2 AAR on Languish ever?

I say yes!

[Valmy]

Best ME2 AAR on Languish ever?

I say yes!

Wow it is an honor to even be mentioned in the same breathe with those other ME2 AARs.

Very enjoyable.

Thanks!

[viper37]

'I just want to point out that this planet has a thick atmosphere and Shepard's body went through it and fell on the surface and yet was able to be brought back to life. Miranda does good work.'

It's not so much being brought back to life as a complete re-write of the engine
I can't remember if it's explained in #2 (Shadow Broker DLC) or #3, but you're litteraly reconstructed from your old DNA.  You're close to a clone than anything else.

And of course in ME2 you can never go back if you missed something. Ah well.

That's called save&reload

'I wonder what human colony he was trying to destroy?'

Now, now.  You know better than to believe ennemy propaganda.  Haven't your new friends done enough to convince you of their pure intentions from the very beginning of this game?

Man the Blood Pack, Blue Suns, and Eclipse are everywhere aren't they?

They use product divisions rather than geographic ones

Why? Why are you referring to him as a 'grunt'? Grunts are usually not what people call elite soldiers.'

Krogans.  Repeat after me: Kro-gans. 

Too bad I am playing a Paragon run because I am sure this Renegade interrupt would have been really cool.'

[spoiler]You shoot the camera[/spoiler]

[viper37]

'Ok Mass Effect 2 really grinds my gears here. Zaeed has a face-mask but his ears and back of his head are exposed to this toxic world? And then Miranda has this silly breath mask as if that is all you need for space exploration.'

I thought it was toxic like breathing toxic, but not skin toxic?  Or am I just misremembering?

[Malicious Intent]

'Ok Mass Effect 2 really grinds my gears here. Zaeed has a face-mask but his ears and back of his head are exposed to this toxic world? And then Miranda has this silly breath mask as if that is all you need for space exploration.'

I thought it was toxic like breathing toxic, but not skin toxic?  Or am I just misremembering?

It get's worse anyway. Jack will go on missions in areas that are basically open to the vacuum of space in her leather strap outfit. Those small breathing masks must hide some serious mass effect fields or something...

[viper37]

Jack is a biotic, she can raise shields or something

The funny part is she does not actually hate everybody in Cerberus. You ask her about it and she is cool with Jacob. For some random reason. She really just hates Miranda and only Miranda. Why? No reason. I mean sure there are plenty of reasons to hate anybody in Cerberus but she hates Miranda before she even has any idea who Miranda is, she just looks at her and that's it. She is just a 'Cerberus bitch' whatever that means. Why this does not apply to all the other women in Cerberus is never really explained. Hey wait a second...isn't Jack now also a 'Cerberus bitch?' But the Illusive Man? Eh. Yeah it makes no sense.

I figured Miranda was a Cerberus bitch because she's a commander and a poster girl for the organization.  Beautiful and smart, totally deadly and ruthless.  Unlike Jack, she got the better of Cerberus and she's perfectly sane.  Jack got the wrong end of the stick and she resents Miranda for that.

[Valmy]

It's not so much being brought back to life as a complete re-write of the engine
I can't remember if it's explained in #2 (Shadow Broker DLC) or #3, but you're litteraly reconstructed from your old DNA.  You're close to a clone than anything else.

That seems impossible to me...but while Mass Effect was not exactly hard sci fi it at least sort of tried. Mass Effect 2 doesn't even bother so why not?

That's called save&reload

Cheats! But seriously if I end a mission that's it. I don't have time to go redo it until I get it right.

Now, now.  You know better than to believe ennemy propaganda.  Haven't your new friends done enough to convince you of their pure intentions from the very beginning of this game?

Cerberus are the only ones willing to do the criminal activity the galaxy needs!!!111 Though I guess it does require an incredibly blasé attitude on the part of the Alliance and the Council to the elimination of Council Race colonies. But then I suspect that Cerberus' interest in the disappearing colonies is not entirely based on patriotic altruism...but we shall see.

They use product divisions rather than geographic ones

I think that might be true Are you a gangster who wants to assassinate people and do illegal smuggling? Call Eclipse. Do you want to run a tyrannical pseudo-government and protection racket? Call Blue Suns. Do you need...um...your operation to resemble the violent anarchy of the average hockey game call the Blood Pack.

Krogans.  Repeat after me: Kro-gans. 

Fair enough

Though even the Krogans like fancy titles like 'Battlemaster' and 'Warlord'.

[spoiler]You shoot the camera[/spoiler]

Ah. I thought maybe he was going to start demolishing Hock's priceless art objects. Though come to think of it he has few problems with Eclipse spraying small pieces of metal all over the place. Probably knocked David's other two limbs off.

[Valmy]

'Ok Mass Effect 2 really grinds my gears here. Zaeed has a face-mask but his ears and back of his head are exposed to this toxic world? And then Miranda has this silly breath mask as if that is all you need for space exploration.'

I thought it was toxic like breathing toxic, but not skin toxic?  Or am I just misremembering?

Yeah but as Malicious Intent points out this is true even in the vacuum of space. And it is not just Miranda, Jack, and Zaeed. Mordin, [spoiler]Samara[/spoiler], and Kasumi also have the same thing going on. I do not remember for Grunt and Jacob. [spoiler]Tali is always wearing a space suit[/spoiler] and Garrus and Shepard have their helmets from the first Mass Effect. But it is not like humans, Salarians, and Asari do not have space suits and space helmet in the game so I cannot even blame an attempt to conserve resources or time. I have no idea why Bioware did this except to annoy me

Weirdly [spoiler]Thane, despite being the only Drell in the entire series so far I am aware of[/spoiler] DOES have one. And [spoiler]Legion is a robot so...[/spoiler]