The Off Topic Topic

[Capetan Mihali]

Looks likely I'll be called as a witness in a murder case this summer.   It's so weird being on the other side of the equation. 

Though it's nice, because I believe I know how to "give good testimony," so to speak, from my desperately coaching clients and watching the proceedings crash and burn so often.  Answer calmly and authoritatively, don't be argumentative on cross or get ruffled by an insinuation, speak directly to the jury when giving your answers (on direct at least), be concise by only answering the question posed rather than starting a narrative, etc.

[Admiral Yi]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

[Malthus]

Looks likely I'll be called as a witness in a murder case this summer.   It's so weird being on the other side of the equation. 

Though it's nice, because I believe I know how to "give good testimony," so to speak, from my desperately coaching clients and watching the proceedings crash and burn so often.  Answer calmly and authoritatively, don't be argumentative on cross or get ruffled by an insinuation, speak directly to the jury when giving your answers (on direct at least), be concise by only answering the question posed rather than starting a narrative, etc.

Woah. Can you tell us any of the context?

Edit: NM 

[Barrister]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

Judge would not be impressed.  Lay witnesses will be given a fair bit of lattitude, but not Mihali if the Judge knows he's a lawyer.

If he keeps it up he could be found in contempt of court.

Plus, being argumentative on the stand is not "giving good testimony".  Giving good evidence is all the factors Mihali said.

[Capetan Mihali]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

You lose the game.  I guess a little chastising might be tolerated, especially from a real courtroom outsider as Beeb said, and if the attorney is genuinely out of line.  But one hopes that before it got to that point, the attorney for the other side would be objecting "Argumentative!" once he saw his witness getting ruffled and offended.  And this isn't great either, but I suppose the witness could appeal directly to the judge -- "Your honor, I'm finding it hard to answer these because they are being asked in such an insulting way" -- and perhaps the judge agrees and admonishes the cross-examiner.

What would really happen judicially if you responded to a question with a comment about the attorney's manner is that the attorney would, with even more snark than ever, say "Move to strike as nonresponsive. Mr. Yi, the question was: you don't have much luck with the ladies, correct?" 

And the judge will certainly order you to answer the question asked. "Mr. Yi, I determine what's appropriate in this courtroom.  You must answer the question asked of you."  I've seen many witnesses give non-responsive answers, often out of hostility towards the attorney or his side (though never your scenario).  Judges really don't have a lot of patience for it, even though they tend to otherwise treat witnesses delicately, probably just because it slows the proceedings way down when the attorney and the witness get bogged down into dozens of questions and non-answers circling around the same minor issue.

[Razgovory]

My brother got mugged again.  It was pretty serious, he went the police, but they don't seem too interested.  From the description I would say the following crimes occurred: Assault, Larceny, kidnapping, B&E.  When they had in the back the truck, they said they might have to "kill this faggot", which could bring in a hate crime element to it.  I think he should contact the FBI.

[MadImmortalMan]

Missouri cops. He's lucky they didn't beat him up for bothering them. 

[jimmy olsen]

My brother got mugged again.  It was pretty serious, he went the police, but they don't seem too interested.  From the description I would say the following crimes occurred: Assault, Larceny, kidnapping, B&E.  When they had in the back the truck, they said they might have to "kill this faggot", which could bring in a hate crime element to it.  I think he should contact the FBI.

Damn, I hope your borther's okay and gets the help he needs.

[Razgovory]

My brother was walking home, and saw a guy rolling around in the street with a few others laughing at him.  My brother thought there something wrong with the guy on the ground.  After talking to the lot, he called a cab.  Stupidly he got in the cab with him, and when he got out at his apartment the others got out as well.  Then they beat him, stole his truck and threw him in the back of it.  When he heard they might kill him my brother jumped out and got away.  He reported this to the police, and when he got home he found that one of the attackers had gotten into his apartment and left his wallet and cellphone there.  He called the police and they told him they would pick the stuff up tomorrow.  They never did.  He called them back, and they told him they made some arrests then released the guy who lost his phone and wallet and said he'd just drop by and pick it up.  I'm not making this up.  My brother hurriedly drove over the police station to drop off the evidence.

[Ideologue]

Cops in a lot of places in the South are so borderline useless that even if we didn't replace them with cameras, I'm not convinced we shouldn't get rid of them and simply distribute powerful handguns to everyone and let God sort it out.  Cops around here do practically nothing other than supplementing municipal budgets with traffic fines.

[Ideologue]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

Judge would not be impressed.  Lay witnesses will be given a fair bit of lattitude, but not Mihali if the Judge knows he's a lawyer.

If he keeps it up he could be found in contempt of court.

Unless the provocation was really terrible, if Mihali literally told the attorney on cross that he was being a dick, and the judge knew Mihali was a lawyer, I'd give even odds that he got slapped with contempt immediately.

[Jaron]

As a first year law student, I have to disagree.

[MadImmortalMan]

He called the police and they told him they would pick the stuff up tomorrow.  They never did.  He called them back, and they told him they made some arrests then released the guy who lost his phone and wallet and said he'd just drop by and pick it up.  I'm not making this up.  My brother hurriedly drove over the police station to drop off the evidence.

Holy hell that's messed up.

[Barrister]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

Judge would not be impressed.  Lay witnesses will be given a fair bit of lattitude, but not Mihali if the Judge knows he's a lawyer.

If he keeps it up he could be found in contempt of court.

Unless the provocation was really terrible, if Mihali literally told the attorney on cross that he was being a dick, and the judge knew Mihali was a lawyer, I'd give even odds that he got slapped with contempt immediately.

And this is based on your extensive courtroom experience I suppose?

[Ideologue]

What would happen if you were to tell the attorney cross examining you that he was being a dick?  I mean judicially, not professionally.

Judge would not be impressed.  Lay witnesses will be given a fair bit of lattitude, but not Mihali if the Judge knows he's a lawyer.

If he keeps it up he could be found in contempt of court.

Unless the provocation was really terrible, if Mihali literally told the attorney on cross that he was being a dick, and the judge knew Mihali was a lawyer, I'd give even odds that he got slapped with contempt immediately.

And this is based on your extensive courtroom experience I suppose?

I doubt judges would tolerate very much in the way of ill decorum from a bar member.  Anyway, you may have a career torturing people with gaol, but I still have a soul.