Question for breeders: why the freak out over cheating?

[garbon]

I agree with Dragon boy.

His imputing notions to biology is funny when so much of what he says has a large psychological component.

Oh and then, of course his infantile presentation of women.

If you think his presentation of women is infantile, then so is his presentation of men.

But of course.

[Jacob]

Indeed. When one is paying a "lover", one can't really demand exclusivity as said lover pays his bills from the generosity of many.

[Razgovory]

Marty, if you loved anyone more then yourself, you might understand these things.  As it is, this will always remain a mystery to you.

[Valmy]

So my question is: are you heteros really like that?

Well there are billions of us.  I would bet how each hetero handles infidelity depends on alot of different factors.

But movies generally are shit at portraying real relationships.  They work to make them as dramatic and entertaining as possible, not realistic as possible.

[merithyn]

I'd think even Marti would understand the animal instincts of reproduction in breeders : that men freak out about their girl cheating with another man because it instinctively opens the door to rearing children not of their genes. If she did it once, it implies that she might have done it before. Plus, a girl cheating is a girl not respecting you or your manhood.

Also, in literature men that have been cheated often describe being disgusted from having sex with their partner if she has cheated on them. One word used often is "polluted". So in these guys, there a biological reaction that makes them, at first, rebute the idea of sex with her.

Girls freak out about men cheating when they spend money and time on them, in other words, resources not spend on them or their future children. In general women are more forgiving of men having one-night stands, but that doesn't mean that all will go well if she learned that Don Draper-wannabee sleeps with his secretaries. Women love to feel their man can attract other women - as long as he doesn't cross the fence or chase around in her face.

In other words, for women emotional cheating = more bad than sexual cheating alone. For men any cheating is bad, period, unless the guy is into candaulism.

Want a good movie about how men can freak out about adultery? Watch Unfaithful by Adrian Lyne. Richard Gere is powerful in that movie, even if Chabrol's La Femme Adultère was better.

I am waiting for your seduction-community arse jokes, now.

What fucking century are you living in? 

As to the question, I think that security in the relationship makes a huge difference in how one handles a cheating spouse. Of course, a happy couple doesn't normally have to deal with a third wheel, so to speak. I've told Max that if he ever cheated on me, I never wanted to know. It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me if he did, but I just don't want to know about it. I trust him enough to know that if he were ready to end our marriage, he'd tell me and cheating on me would have little to do with it.

[Tonitrus]

For me it's a matter of trust.  How can one trust a friend who then betrays that trust, much less a spouse?

And if neither party cares about sleeping around, then it should out in the open, and thus not a problem in the first place.

[Josquius]

Cinema has more straight romances than gay romances. Straight romances are so generic and boring that movie producers need to have something go awry in them, at least for a while, to sell tickets. Gay romances in movies on the other hand are still quaint and different and have their hurdles in getting started.
This says nothing about straight people freaking out over cheating more than gays in real life.

[Viking]

I gotta agree with meri here. People are much more adult than Hollywood presumes and they look at the big picture. I think it is a bit cute and naïve by Martinus to think that Breeder Romances are realistic.

[Martinus]

There are things called "emotional bonds".  You wouldn't understand.

Indeed. When one is paying a "lover", one can't really demand exclusivity as said lover pays his bills from the generosity of many.

I suspect I have more sex on the side than he does at the moment.

Btw, thanks for personal attacks from all who did. It's nice to see we can have reasonable debate on Languish.

[Martinus]

Of course, a happy couple doesn't normally have to deal with a third wheel, so to speak.

See, that's where I think you are wrong and where the root of the problem with the freak out lies.

I don't claim to even fathom the psychology of women, but if straight men are anything like gay men, sometimes you just want to try something new on the side. And there nothing is truer than the old bon mot "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to succumb to it." On the other hand, if the temptation like this arises and the person in the relationship attempts to resist it, it just sours the relationship, causes resentment and "inexplicable" animosity (I've been there, being once in a relationship with a jealous monogamy freak). On the other hand, every time I "cheat" on my current boyfriend, I go back to him being affectionate to him even more afterwards.

I think people freak out exactly because they make the same erroneous assumption as you do - if my partner cheats on me, this means our relationship is likely unhappy. It's not true.

[Martinus]

Cinema has more straight romances than gay romances. Straight romances are so generic and boring that movie producers need to have something go awry in them, at least for a while, to sell tickets. Gay romances in movies on the other hand are still quaint and different and have their hurdles in getting started.
This says nothing about straight people freaking out over cheating more than gays in real life.

Ok. It's just that from anecdotal evidence it seems like cheating in hetero couples is a big deal. For example, in most of divorcees I know, cheating was quoted as the prime reason for the divorce (unless of course it was just a convenient excuse).

[Tamas]

Of course, a happy couple doesn't normally have to deal with a third wheel, so to speak.

See, that's where I think you are wrong and where the root of the problem with the freak out lies.

I don't claim to even fathom the psychology of women, but if straight men are anything like gay men, sometimes you just want to try something new on the side. And there nothing is truer than the old bon mot "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to succumb to it." Then, if the temptation like this arises and the person in the relationship attempts to resist it, it just sours the relationship, causes resentment and "inexplicable" animosity (I've been there, being once in a relationship with a jealous monogamy freak). On the other hand, every time I "cheat" on my current boyfriend, I go back to him being affectionate to him even more afterwards.

I think people freak out exactly because they make the same erroneous assumption as you do - if my partner cheats on me, this means our relationship is likely unhappy. It's not true.

heh. An other way to look at it though, is that you show your affection and loyalty by not chasing every fucking tail you find attractive.

[Viking]

heh. An other way to look at it though, is that you show your affection and loyalty by not chasing every fucking tail you find attractive.

if only reality were like that....

Her: Sweety, I noticed you didn't hit on the hott waitress that served us dinner, to reward you I'm gonna let you have anal sex with me.

[Tamas]

heh. An other way to look at it though, is that you show your affection and loyalty by not chasing every fucking tail you find attractive.

if only reality were like that....

Her: Sweety, I noticed you didn't hit on the hott waitress that served us dinner, to reward you I'm gonna let you have anal sex with me.

Marty is looking for the ideology behind it.

[Lettow77]

 What about showing your affection and loyalty entails that a reward will follow?

It's a fine way to show how much you care, and that should be its own reward.