File this under "B", for "Boo Fucking Hoo"

[Malthus]

Deciding the university life is not for her = okay, maybe a good decision or maybe a bad one, but hers to make.

Deciding to disappear, sending friends, family & school into a panic = not okay. Inflicts easily foreseeable harm on those who care about her.

[Jacob]

Awesome. So maybe we should all shut up about all of our problems as people in say...Syria almost all have it worse off.

Yeah, I honestly don't get that attitude.

By all accounts, Berkut is right: getting a free ride to an Ivy League university is a pretty sweet thing. On the face of it, throwing that away is a pretty foolish thing to do. Nonetheless, this girl walked away from it - in a rather dramatic way too. Seems to me an indication that there's a substantial problem somewhere.

Maybe what I take Berkut to imply is right - maybe the problem is 100% with the girl, rather than any other factors whatsoever. Even so, it seems to me that a better response would be one including some measure of empathy and sympathy, rather than mocking dismissal and rants about "kids these days."

[Jacob]

Deciding the university life is not for her = okay, maybe a good decision or maybe a bad one, but hers to make.

Deciding to disappear, sending friends, family & school into a panic = not okay. Inflicts easily foreseeable harm on those who care about her.

Yup, I agree. To me that's an indication of the desperation the girl felt, rather than an indictment of her character. Obviously mileage varies on this.

[Berkut]

I wish I had had her problems.

So because you had a rougher situation you can't feel any sympathy for her?

I can feel a little bit, but not much. Empathy, at least for me, requires some level of being able to put myself in their situation, and imagine how I might react similarly.

But I would not act similarly at all in her situation. Indeed, I've felt socially not accepted many times in a lot less "elite" places than the Ivy League.

[grumbler]

Deciding the university life is not for her = okay, maybe a good decision or maybe a bad one, but hers to make.

Deciding to disappear, sending friends, family & school into a panic = not okay. Inflicts easily foreseeable harm on those who care about her.

I agree that, in a perfect world full of only rational decision-makers, she would have foreseen the consequences of her actions.  However, for a person fleeing the pressures of expectations she is ashamed to admit that she cannot live up to, going into a shell isn't unexpected either.  She didn't want to talk to anyone because she didn't want to have to explain her "failure."  Dumb, as young people can be.

[Berkut]

No. I can't think at all why one would want those problems. Course Languish answer to mental anguish is to buck up so...

Well, you went to an elite University, so I could imagine how you would not understand how one might want the problem of "I am going, for free, to one of the best schools in the country, but I feel socially awkward..."

Personally, I think that would be a pretty great problem to have compared to the problems of, oh, 95% of other college freshman aged people.

Awesome. So maybe we should all shut up about all of our problems as people in say...Syria almost all have it worse off.

No, I don't believe I said anything of the kind.

The issue is not whether others have it worse off, it is whether most people who have her level of problems respond in as ridiculous a manner. The question is not how bad she has it, or doesn't have it, it is how she reacted to her perceived problems.

The reality is that her "problems" are not actually unique to her at all, and probably don't really exist in any real sense outside her head. Many, many people feel social anxiety in new situations, and you figure out how to deal with it - this is called growing up.

She failed at that rather spectacularly. Plenty of others fail as well. People drop out of college all the time, for example. People make bad decisions based on an over reliance on their emotional calculus that they will end up regretting forever all the time.

She is in the news, so we are looking at her. My only point is that it doesn't seem like her "problems" are even remotely of the kind that suggests that her solution is even a little bit reasonable, or any kind of indication that there is some kind of problem with the system itself.

[garbon]

No. I can't think at all why one would want those problems. Course Languish answer to mental anguish is to buck up so...

Well, you went to an elite University, so I could imagine how you would not understand how one might want the problem of "I am going, for free, to one of the best schools in the country, but I feel socially awkward..."

Personally, I think that would be a pretty great problem to have compared to the problems of, oh, 95% of other college freshman aged people.

Awesome. So maybe we should all shut up about all of our problems as people in say...Syria almost all have it worse off.

No, I don't believe I said anything of the kind.

The issue is not whether others have it worse off, it is whether most people who have her level of problems respond in as ridiculous a manner. The question is not how bad she has it, or doesn't have it, it is how she reacted to her perceived problems.

The reality is that her "problems" are not actually unique to her at all, and probably don't really exist in any real sense outside her head. Many, many people feel social anxiety in new situations, and you figure out how to deal with it - this is called growing up.

She failed at that rather spectacularly. Plenty of others fail as well. People drop out of college all the time, for example. People make bad decisions based on an over reliance on their emotional calculus that they will end up regretting forever all the time.

She is in the news, so we are looking at her. My only point is that it doesn't seem like her "problems" are even remotely of the kind that suggests that her solution is even a little bit reasonable, or any kind of indication that there is some kind of problem with the system itself.

Well, thank god I never turned to you when I was depressed. Might have ended up in the morgue.

[Berkut]

Awesome. So maybe we should all shut up about all of our problems as people in say...Syria almost all have it worse off.

Yeah, I honestly don't get that attitude.

By all accounts, Berkut is right: getting a free ride to an Ivy League university is a pretty sweet thing. On the face of it, throwing that away is a pretty foolish thing to do. Nonetheless, this girl walked away from it - in a rather dramatic way too. Seems to me an indication that there's a substantial problem somewhere.

Maybe what I take Berkut to imply is right - maybe the problem is 100% with the girl, rather than any other factors whatsoever. Even so, it seems to me that a better response would be one including some measure of empathy and sympathy, rather than mocking dismissal and rants about "kids these days."

Is there some reason to think this is a problem with something other than herself?

Are people with full rides to Ivy League schools quitting in droves because the social pressure of attending the best schools in the country for free is just too much for them to handle?

My point is that it seems pretty clear that she is making excuses for her own behavior. Which is fine, to a degree, it is what children do in fact - the kind of person who lacks the maturity to handle some social pressure to perform is likely to be the same kind of person who is not capable of recognizing that this is not a problem with Columbia, or her mom, or society.

I take issue with the idea being presented that we should take this as evidence that something needs to change in the system. That is a system that effects a lot of people, and by and large seems to work pretty damn well since this one person quitting is making the news. I think schools like Columbia probably go out of their way to acclimate less advantaged students as best they can, and likely overall succeed more often than not.

I was on the undergraduate policy committee at the University of Arizona. We were dealing with a problem where something like 33% of all freshman at the U of A did not return for their sophomore year. Now *that* is a real problem that needs some systemic changes to address it. Either they are letting too many in, or not giving them enough support, or something is going on, and the University rightly wanted to figure out what that was, so we spent a lot of time interviewing freshman about their experience at the school in that first year.

One particular young woman making a bad decision? That is no evidence of a problem at all.

[Berkut]

Well, thank god I never turned to you when I was depressed. Might have ended up in the morgue.

Because you would have done better turning to someone who told you that all your problems were created by others, and you can just blame them instead?

I think you would do just fine turning to me, or at least as well as you would turning to any non-professional. I would not tell you that your right, the world does suck and depression is a perfectly reasonable way to react to how terribly you have been treated by the mean, mean world.

[Berkut]

Deciding the university life is not for her = okay, maybe a good decision or maybe a bad one, but hers to make.

Deciding to disappear, sending friends, family & school into a panic = not okay. Inflicts easily foreseeable harm on those who care about her.

I agree that, in a perfect world full of only rational decision-makers, she would have foreseen the consequences of her actions.  However, for a person fleeing the pressures of expectations she is ashamed to admit that she cannot live up to, going into a shell isn't unexpected either.  She didn't want to talk to anyone because she didn't want to have to explain her "failure."  Dumb, as young people can be.

Indeed. She is a kid, and lots of them handle the problems she had in as bad a manner, if not as newsworthy. They drink too much, hop into bed with people they should not, get involved with people they should not, or just check out mentally.

All part of growing up, navigating all that crap.

[garbon]

Well, thank god I never turned to you when I was depressed. Might have ended up in the morgue.

Because you would have done better turning to someone who told you that all your problems were created by others, and you can just blame them instead?

I think you would do just fine turning to me, or at least as well as you would turning to any non-professional. I would not tell you that your right, the world does suck and depression is a perfectly reasonable way to react to how terribly you have been treated by the mean, mean world.

I don't think she is saying that at all. I don't think she is even arguing that her escape was the best course of action but that it was the course of action that made sense to her at the time.

I think it would not have helped if you told me to 'deal with it' had I come to you as that was what I was trying to do in the first place. And I failed at that.

[garbon]

Also, B, where do you get this argued position that the system needs to be changed? I don't see anything in the OP about her saying that there are systemic changes needed to avoid having what happened to her, happen to other people.

[Berkut]

Well, thank god I never turned to you when I was depressed. Might have ended up in the morgue.

Because you would have done better turning to someone who told you that all your problems were created by others, and you can just blame them instead?

I think you would do just fine turning to me, or at least as well as you would turning to any non-professional. I would not tell you that your right, the world does suck and depression is a perfectly reasonable way to react to how terribly you have been treated by the mean, mean world.

I don't think she is saying that at all. I don't think she is even arguing that her escape was the best course of action but that it was the course of action that made sense to her at the time.

I think it would not have helped if you told me to 'deal with it' had I come to you as that was what I was trying to do in the first place. And I failed at that.

I am not really commenting on her though, but rather the idea that what she did should be taken as some indication that there is a problem outside of her that needs to be looked into - I don't buy it, and I don't think her actions are anything to be taken as anything but rather contemptible, even if they are understandable.

I understand why my son doesn't do his homework and instead spends his time playing Call of Duty. That doesn't mean it is ok, or that I should consider it acceptable because it is a common problem. He does it because he is a kid, and doesn't really understand how to reasonably balance his wants with his needs. Neither did she, which is too bad for her, since it is going to cost her immensely in the long run - or it is likely to anyway. It might not - who the hell really knows? Maybe she will be an incredible artist or super successful model, or even just a supremely happy housewife.

[mongers]

Berkut, I'm please for you that things worked out well for you, perhaps from a tricky start, that you made the most of your opportunities and are now doing well; because I'd fear if you'd flunked out and just ended up working in the 'caring professions'.   

[Berkut]

Also, B, where do you get this argued position that the system needs to be changed? I don't see anything in the OP about her saying that there are systemic changes needed to avoid having what happened to her, happen to other people.

On the face of it, throwing that away is a pretty foolish thing to do. Nonetheless, this girl walked away from it - in a rather dramatic way too. Seems to me an indication that there's a substantial problem somewhere.

Someone else linked an article about the horrors of being in the Ivy League.

Seems like there was some kind of position being put forth that this is a problem with the system, rather than the person.

Certainly the OP made her share of excused as well. Her teachers didn't care about her, the other students were mean, etc., etc.