[Guardian Op-Ed] I wish my mother had aborted me

Started by garbon, August 15, 2012, 10:13:20 AM

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garbon

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/aug/15/i-wish-my-mother-aborted-me

QuoteIf there is one thing that anti-choice activists do that makes me see red, it is when they parade out their poster children: men, women and children who were "targeted for abortion". They tell us "these people would not be alive today if abortion had been legal or if their mothers had made a different choice".

In the last couple of months, I have read two of these abortion deliverance stories that have been particularly offensive. The first story is one propagated by Rebecca Kiessling, the poster child for the no exceptions in cases of rape or incest. On her website Kiessling says that every time we say abortion should be allowed, at least in the case of rape or incest, we are saying to her: "If I had my way, you'd be dead right now." She goes on to say, "I absolutely would have been aborted if it had been legal in Michigan when I was an unborn child, and I can tell you that it hurts [when people say that abortion should be legal]."

The second story was on the Good Men Project this week. In an article entitled Delivered from abortion: healing a forgotten memory, Gordon Dalbey tells a highly unlikely story about his mother's decision to abort him and her eventual change of heart. I say the story is highly unlikely because the type of abortion he says his mother was about to have was not available until 50 years later. However, Dalbey claims to have recovered a memory of being "delivered" from the abortion because as a fetus he cried out to God. He claims that the near-abortion experience had caused him psychological suffering throughout his life. Since recovering the memory, he has experienced survivor's guilt because he was saved when so many other fetuses have been aborted. In explaining how he overcame this guilt, he quotes a Jewish survivor of the Holocaust who says that the purpose of surviving is to testify to the experience.

What makes these stories so infuriating to me is that they are emotional blackmail. As readers or listeners, we are almost forced by these anti-choice versions of A Wonderful Life to say, "Oh, I am so glad you were born." And then by extension, we are soon forced into saying, "Yes, of course, every blastula of cells should be allowed to develop into a human being."

Stories like Dalbey's are probably effective because they follow the same model. First there is a woman facing the unplanned pregnancy that poses severe problems. In Dalbey's case, his family is suffering from extreme poverty, and in the case of Kiessling, her mother is dealing with the aftermath of rape. The story shifts so that the mother has a divine or moral enlightenment and knows that she must carry the baby to term. We are left with an adult praising the bravery of their mothers and testifying that their lives were saved for some higher purpose. But the story goes on to tell us how even the contemplation of abortion was horribly scarring for the person. The moral of these stories is clear: considering abortion is like considering genocide.

Here is why it is so effective: people freak out when you tell an opposing story. I make even my most ardent pro-choice friends and colleagues very uncomfortable when I explain why my mother should have aborted me. Somehow they confuse the well-considered and rational: "The best choice for both my mother and me would have been abortion" with the infamous expression of depression and angst: "I wish I had never been born." The two are really very different things, and we must draw that distinction clearly.

The narrative that anti-choice crusaders are telling is powerful, moving, and best of all it has a happy ending. It makes the woman who carries to term a hero, and for narrative purposes it hides her maternal failing. We cannot argue against heroic, redemptive, happy-ending fairytales using cold statistics. If we want to keep our reproductive rights, we must be willing to tell our stories, to be willing and able to say, "I love my life, but I wish my mother had aborted me."

An abortion would have absolutely been better for my mother. An abortion would have made it more likely that she would finish high school and get a college education. At college in the late 1960s, it seems likely she would have found feminism or psychology or something that would have helped her overcome her childhood trauma and pick better partners. She would have been better prepared when she had children. If nothing else, getting an abortion would have saved her from plunging into poverty. She likely would have stayed in the same socioeconomic strata as her parents and grandparents who were professors. I wish she had aborted me because I love her and want what is best for her.

Abortion would have been a better option for me. If you believe what reproductive scientists tell us, that I was nothing more than a conglomeration of cells, then there was nothing lost. I could have experienced no consciousness or pain. But even if you discount science and believe I had consciousness and could experience pain at six gestational weeks, I would chose the brief pain or fear of an abortion over the decades of suffering I endured.

An abortion would have been best for me because there is no way that my love-starved, trauma-addled mother could have ever put me up for adoption. It was either abortion or raising me herself, and she was in no position to raise a child. She had suffered a traumatic brain injury, witnessed and experienced severe domestic violence, and while she was in grade school she was raped by a stranger and her mother committed suicide. She was severely depressed and suicidal, had an extremely poor support system, was experiencing an unplanned pregnancy that resulted from coercive sex, and she was so young that her brain was still undeveloped.

With that constellation of factors, there was a very high statistical probability that my mother would be an abusive parent, that we would spend the rest of our lives in crushing poverty, and that we would both be highly vulnerable to predatory organisations and men. And that is exactly what happened. She abused me, beating me viciously and often. We lived in bone-crushing poverty, and our little family became a magnet for predatory men and organisations. My mother found minimal support in a small church, and became involved with the pastor who was undeniably schizophrenic, narcissistic and sadistic. The abuse I endured was compounded by deprivation. Before the age of 14, I had never been to a sleepover, been allowed to talk to a friend on the phone, eaten in a restaurant, watched a television show, listened to the radio, read a non-Christian book, or even worn a pair of jeans.

If this were an anti-choice story, this is the part where I would tell you how I overcame great odds and my life now has special meaning. I would ask you to affirm that, of course, you are happy I was born, and that the world would be a darker, poorer place without me.

It is true that in the past 12 years, I have been able to rise above the circumstances of my birth and build a life that I truly love. But no one should have to make such a Herculean struggle for simple normalcy. Even given the happiness and success I now enjoy, if I could go back in time and make the choice for my mother, it would be abortion.

The world would not be a darker or poorer place without me. Actually, in terms of contributions to the world, I am a net loss. Everything that I have done – including parenting, teaching, researching, and being a loving partner – could have been done as well, if not better by other people. Any positive contributions that I have made are completely offset by what it has cost society to help me overcome the disadvantages and injuries of my childhood to become a functional and contributing member of society.

It is not easy to say, "I wish my mother had aborted me." The right would have us see abortion as women acting out of cowardice, selfishness, or convenience. But for many women, like my mother, abortion would be an inconvenient act of courage and selflessness. I am sad for both of us that she could not find the courage and selflessness. But my attitude is that as long as I am already here, I might as well do all I can to make the world a better place, to ease the suffering of others, and to experience love and life to its fullest.

Titular bit starts around the line I highlighted in bold.
"I've never been quite sure what the point of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they're only men with the useful bits cut off."
I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.

Malthus

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane—Marcus Aurelius

Grey Fox

Why? She's rich & everything. She could afford you.

;)
Colonel Caliga is Awesome.

garbon

"I've never been quite sure what the point of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they're only men with the useful bits cut off."
I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.

Grallon

She does seem to have... outgrown her old self - in which case hers is a powerful argument.  Although not one that will move the zealots and fanatics.  They'll go on babbling about God and other such nonsense.

On the other hand it could be a spin piece from a pro choice warrior.

*shrug*



G.
"Clearly, a civilization that feels guilty for everything it is and does will lack the energy and conviction to defend itself."

~Jean-François Revel

Malthus

#5
Of course, the real answer to anti-abortion glurge about "happy I wasn't aborted" is not to go into an equally-glurgy song and dance about how goddam miserable your own childhood was - it is to say "yeah, and too bad about the mass genocide of possibly happy babies I committed wacking off to internet porn last night"  :P
The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane—Marcus Aurelius

garbon

Quote from: Malthus on August 15, 2012, 10:49:33 AM
Of course, the real answer to anti-abortion glurge about "happy I wasn't aborted" is not to go into a song and dance about how goddam miserable your own childhood was - it is to say "yeah, and too bad about the mass genocide of possibly happy babies I committed wacking off to internet porn last night"  :P

Yeah if we want to rile up the anti-masturbation lobby.
"I've never been quite sure what the point of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they're only men with the useful bits cut off."
I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.

Malthus

Quote from: garbon on August 15, 2012, 10:51:35 AM
Quote from: Malthus on August 15, 2012, 10:49:33 AM
Of course, the real answer to anti-abortion glurge about "happy I wasn't aborted" is not to go into a song and dance about how goddam miserable your own childhood was - it is to say "yeah, and too bad about the mass genocide of possibly happy babies I committed wacking off to internet porn last night"  :P

Yeah if we want to rile up the anti-masturbation lobby.

While you are typing, sperm and eggs everywhere are going to waste.   :( Won't somebody think of the children!
The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane—Marcus Aurelius

dps

Quote
It is true that in the past 12 years, I have been able to rise above the circumstances of my birth and build a life that I truly love. But no one should have to make such a Herculean struggle for simple normalcy.

Maybe no on should have to, but yet almost everyone does.  Very few people get a good life handed to them.  Mostly, it's what you make it.

Syt

What's next? "We can't abort the babies! One of them might find a cure for cancer or be hte next Michelangelo!" By the same logic we should force abortions for every pregnancy, because one of the kids could be the next Hitler or Celine Dion.
I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.
—Stephen Jay Gould

Proud owner of 42 Zoupa Points.

garbon

Quote from: Syt on August 15, 2012, 11:44:20 AM
What's next? "We can't abort the babies! One of them might find a cure for cancer or be hte next Michelangelo!" By the same logic we should force abortions for every pregnancy, because one of the kids could be the next Hitler or Celine Dion.

Well actually the "logic" generally employed is that no one should be aborted. ;)
"I've never been quite sure what the point of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they're only men with the useful bits cut off."
I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.

Martinus

The problem with the pro choice argument is that people who are too stupid to use a condom or contraception in the first place are probably also too stupid to realise they should have an abortion.

So to be perfectly logical, we should either advocate forced abortions or nothing.

MadImmortalMan

I used to wish that at various times in my life when I was depressed or whatever. Then I manned up and decided the world could fuck off. I'm here to stay.  :)
"Stability is destabilizing." --Hyman Minsky

"Complacency can be a self-denying prophecy."
"We have nothing to fear but lack of fear itself." --Larry Summers

Martinus

Quote from: MadImmortalMan on August 15, 2012, 12:06:55 PM
I used to wish that at various times in my life when I was depressed or whatever. Then I manned up and decided the world could fuck off. I'm here to stay.  :)
:hug:

I must say I never had suicidal thoughts or wished I have never been born. I leave the angst of this unfulfilled desire* to people around me.

*i.e. wishing I have never been born :P

garbon

Quote from: MadImmortalMan on August 15, 2012, 12:06:55 PM
I used to wish that at various times in my life when I was depressed or whatever. Then I manned up and decided the world could fuck off. I'm here to stay.  :)

Any reason you felt compelled to share this? :unsure:
"I've never been quite sure what the point of a eunuch is, if truth be told. It seems to me they're only men with the useful bits cut off."
I drank because I wanted to drown my sorrows, but now the damned things have learned to swim.