Explain this dating thing

[katmai]

You forget Marti is a homosexual. They are led by their wanton lustful impulses.

Then a homosexual would just do what Yi said. You wouldn't need to get a number to arrange for sex.

[garbon]

You forget Marti is a homosexual. They are led by their wanton lustful impulses.

Then a homosexual would just do what Yi said. You wouldn't need to get a number to arrange for sex.

I think I misunderstood. No, that's not what we use the term date for.

[Martinus]

(This may be slightly different for gay people as the chances of meeting a potential partner outside of gay bars/gay websites are much smaller, but for straight people, surely you meet enough people of the opposite sex not to need to actually "date" to find a mate?)

People of the opposite sex?  Yes.  Single people I was interested in of the opposite sex?  That was alot rarer.  Single people of the opposite sex who were looking for a partner at that time and were also interested in me?  That would happen only once or twice a year if I am not actively seeking them out.  Then you find out they do not want kids and you do, they do not want a long term relationship but you do, they are religious and only want to have sex once we are married, they are Dallas Cowboys fans...blah blah blah.

The internet was so much better because they would say all that shit up front.

The whole "looking for a partner" part is what is perhaps our falling as a culture - why do we have to be looking for a partner and not just let the stuff happen organically?

Like, you find a woman, you become friends and then go fuck?

[garbon]

(This may be slightly different for gay people as the chances of meeting a potential partner outside of gay bars/gay websites are much smaller, but for straight people, surely you meet enough people of the opposite sex not to need to actually "date" to find a mate?)

People of the opposite sex?  Yes.  Single people I was interested in of the opposite sex?  That was alot rarer.  Single people of the opposite sex who were looking for a partner at that time and were also interested in me?  That would happen only once or twice a year if I am not actively seeking them out.  Then you find out they do not want kids and you do, they do not want a long term relationship but you do, they are religious and only want to have sex once we are married, they are Dallas Cowboys fans...blah blah blah.

The internet was so much better because they would say all that shit up front.

The whole "looking for a partner" part is what is perhaps our falling as a culture - why do we have to be looking for a partner and not just let the stuff happen organically?

Because often organically one doesn't find someone?

[Martinus]

(This may be slightly different for gay people as the chances of meeting a potential partner outside of gay bars/gay websites are much smaller, but for straight people, surely you meet enough people of the opposite sex not to need to actually "date" to find a mate?)

People of the opposite sex?  Yes.  Single people I was interested in of the opposite sex?  That was alot rarer.  Single people of the opposite sex who were looking for a partner at that time and were also interested in me?  That would happen only once or twice a year if I am not actively seeking them out.  Then you find out they do not want kids and you do, they do not want a long term relationship but you do, they are religious and only want to have sex once we are married, they are Dallas Cowboys fans...blah blah blah.

The internet was so much better because they would say all that shit up front.

The whole "looking for a partner" part is what is perhaps our falling as a culture - why do we have to be looking for a partner and not just let the stuff happen organically?

Because often organically one doesn't find someone?

Perhaps then we are not meant to find someone if we can't find them organically? I am just saying that there seems to be a pressure to be "in a relationship" - whereas relationships should just happen to us.

I just question the whole concept of someone who wants to be in a relationship with a person, as opposed to finding a person you want to be in a relationship with, if you know what I mean.

[Valmy]

Because often organically one doesn't find someone?

This....plus I don't fuck my friends or coworkers (or second cousins and other family distantly related enough to be socially acceptable sexual partners but close enough to know my other relatives).  That has drama potential and drama is what I don't do.  I vastly preferred it when we had no connections at all.  If it doesn't work out I never want to see her again.

[garbon]

Perhaps then we are not meant to find someone if we can't find them organically? I am just saying that there seems to be a pressure to be "in a relationship" - whereas relationships should just happen to us.

I just question the whole concept of someone who wants to be in a relationship with a person, as opposed to finding a person you want to be in a relationship with, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean. I don't see why it is a problem if someone actively seeks a partner rather than passively waiting on the whims of the universe.

[stjaba]

So, in Europe, do you just ask people if they wanna fuck?  Awesome, and I approve.

I'm heading to Europe soon (after the bar exam). I will have to try that method out and report back. 

[HVC]

So, in Europe, do you just ask people if they wanna fuck?  Awesome, and I approve.

I'm heading to Europe soon (after the bar exam). I will have to try that method out and report back. 

I'll look out for the headlines

[Malthus]

Then there is another question whether our entire model of finding a partner/relationship is not fucked up to begin with.

Consider how you become friends with someone - you don't go out to meet people with an objective of "finding a friend" usually - rather the friendship finds you by growing organically. That we use this method to find a partner (rather than letting it happen the same way we become friends with people) is rather silly, don't you think?

(This may be slightly different for gay people as the chances of meeting a potential partner outside of gay bars/gay websites are much smaller, but for straight people, surely you meet enough people of the opposite sex not to need to actually "date" to find a mate?)

This is situational. In hot-houses like university it is (relatively) very easy to meet single people around your own age without attachments or conflicts of interest interested in sex and relationships. In the work world following university, much less so.

[dps]

(This may be slightly different for gay people as the chances of meeting a potential partner outside of gay bars/gay websites are much smaller, but for straight people, surely you meet enough people of the opposite sex not to need to actually "date" to find a mate?)

People of the opposite sex?  Yes.  Single people I was interested in of the opposite sex?  That was alot rarer.  Single people of the opposite sex who were looking for a partner at that time and were also interested in me?  That would happen only once or twice a year if I am not actively seeking them out.  Then you find out they do not want kids and you do, they do not want a long term relationship but you do, they are religious and only want to have sex once we are married, they are Dallas Cowboys fans...blah blah blah.

The internet was so much better because they would say all that shit up front.

The whole "looking for a partner" part is what is perhaps our falling as a culture - why do we have to be looking for a partner and not just let the stuff happen organically?

Because often organically one doesn't find someone?

Perhaps then we are not meant to find someone if we can't find them organically? I am just saying that there seems to be a pressure to be "in a relationship" - whereas relationships should just happen to us.

Maybe some people think that just waiting around for good things to happen to them isn't the best plan.  To become a lawyer, did you just hang out at a bar, hope someone would come along and just hand you a law degree, and then someone from a law firm would just come along and offer you a position?  Well, maybe it works like that in Poland, but in most places, the good jobs end up going to those who take a proactive approach to obtaining them.  Why should romantic relationships be any different?

[Josquius]

Yeah if you are working alot when are you going to go to bars and shove tongues down people's throats?  And what if you want to meet people who do not frequent bars?

Another troublesome cultural issue with meeting people.
Back home the only people who don't go to pubs are anti-social freaks.
Here...they don't do the bar thing so much.


So dating, how does it actually work then?
The image  I have is altogether negative. The man and the woman dress up as nice as they can and try to present themselves in the best possible light. Its all about lying and covering up your foibles whilst trying to trick your 'opponent' (it does seem that way) into letting slip with theirs. It just seems all so woefully fake.

[dps]

Yeah if you are working alot when are you going to go to bars and shove tongues down people's throats?  And what if you want to meet people who do not frequent bars?

Another troublesome cultural issue with meeting people.
Back home the only people who don't go to pubs are anti-social freaks.
Here...they don't do the bar thing so much.


So dating, how does it actually work then?
The image  I have is altogether negative. The man and the woman dress up as nice as they can and try to present themselves in the best possible light. Its all about lying and covering up your foibles whilst trying to trick your 'opponent' (it does seem that way) into letting slip with theirs. It just seems all so woefully fake.

You seem so woefully stupid.

Look, it's simple.  If there's a girl you like, and neither of you have any other attachments (or one or both of you do, but don't care), you ask her out to get a drink, or a meal, or to go see a movie or sporting event, or a museum, or whatever.  And then you go from there. Maybe you decide you don't want to spend any more time one-on-one with her, and as soon as the date ends, you drop her off at her place.  Maybe you fuck her and never call again.  Maybe you start dating her on a regular basis.  Or maybe you decide that she's fun to have a meal with or go to a movie with, but isn't right for you for anything else, so you just become friends (the least common outcome, probably, but still a possibility).  What the hell is so hard to understand about any of this?

Also, there seems to be an assumption in this thread that a person you ask out on a date is someone you haven't met before.  That does happen, but it's a lot more common in fiction than in real life.  Most of the time, you're asking out someone that you already know (though not necessarily someone you know well)--a neighbor, a co-worker (not recommended!), a friend of your sister, the girl who rings your purchase up a lot at the grocery store, etc. 

[Drakken]

So dating, how does it actually work then?
The image  I have is altogether negative. The man and the woman dress up as nice as they can and try to present themselves in the best possible light. Its all about lying and covering up your foibles whilst trying to trick your 'opponent' (it does seem that way) into letting slip with theirs. It just seems all so woefully fake.

Playing the dating game like that, "dress nice and meal" thing, is not cost-effective. It often ends up like a job interview, the girl (and the guy) is either under pressure because it's a date and she's not sure she even likes the guy, or she'll be enjoying the meal with no intention of putting out in the end. Plus there's the whole "who pays the bill" conendrum. In other words, it's a fool's mate.

Really, what more simple that ask her out for a coffee, or a drink, or a pic-nic a Sunday afternoon? The guy can afford to pay without ruining himself, there's no pressure, and the girl (and you) are more likely to open up and have fun. Plus, the girl's not dumb: if she accepts to follow the guy alone and spend time alone with him so soon odds are good it's gonna end in the sack unless he mucks it up or wusses out.

Yes, dating, seducing, approaching people, making contacts, etc, is all about marketing oneself to others, and them to you. Deal with it.The sooner you can, the faster you can move on. We are all fakes at different degrees, you included, because we have to present a show to everyone when we are being social, a better version of ourselves, and sell ourselves as such. We all present a mask in the real world, otherwise it'd never function. We all have weaknesses, quirks, bad habits, doubts, etc. But people don't like weakness, if you show weakness you will be treated as suchunless you find a person you can open up without fearing of being judged.

[Viking]

Dating in Japan /= Dating in West.

Remember that. Compared to where you are I was out in the sticks so my conservative neighbors certainly viewed this thing differently. Where you are is still in the out in the sticks, but they probably don't have the Nagaoka attitude to inter-racial dating (or was it I just scared them being 194 cm and 125 kg). But still, this is dating, it has a purpose and everybody knows what the purpose is.