Life in Utah

[Jaron]

It has been almost a year since I left California and I wanted to share with you guys some of my impressions from someone who has moved out of his home state and immersed himself in a completely different culture.

A bit of backstory --

I live in Orem, Utah (near Provo). I thought before moving here that the seat of the Mormon church and its power would be concentrated in Salt Lake City/county but alas, no - the headquarters is in Salt Lake, but the very heart of the church is centered in Utah county, especially in Provo because of Brigham Young University.

I first lived in a crappy basement room near BYU - the room had giant spiders, was always hot, and my only source of light was from a bulb that hung loosely from the ceiling. But at 130/month, I couldn't complain. I signed a contract to live there for three months and then I moved into a nice condo with a lakeside view with a nice older Mormon gentleman I'd befriended.

I work for a software company in payments and accounting (Don't ask - no idea how I ended up in that department). I've developed a knack for this type of work, although as my supervisor said to me last week 'We really should put you through an accounting class sometime.'. "Fake it til you Make it" has been my mantra and it has paid off handsomely so far.

Growing up in California, I became accustomed to some things I can't get or do out here. In California, I could drink at the bars til 2 am, I could have any type of food I wanted on Sundays. I could smoke, or have a cappuccino, or buy a beer on Sunday.

Here - bars do last call at 1 am, almost everything is closed on Sunday, and coffee shops are very sporadically placed - there is just no business for them. You can't buy alcohol on Sunday, and aside from wine coolers and beer you have to purchase all your alcohol from state run liquor stores.

My biggest area of curiosity has been the Mormon church (or the LDS church, as they prefer to be called). At first people assumed I was a member - almost everyone is. Once they found out I wasn't, it was blood in the water. Suddenly everybody wants your phone number, wants to meet you for dinner, wants you to read some literature.  At first this annoyed and confused me, but since then I've learned to use it to my advantage.

I eat home cooked meals free at least twice a week. The missionaries are very helpful - yes, they'll want to sit down and read scripture with you for a couple hours but they also offer to help you out with anything you might need. Last week I had my car washed, my refrigerator cleaned out, and they did my grocery shopping for me. I suppose you could say this is wrong, or immoral since I have no intent to convert, but I figure I get my errands done, they get to talk about their religion and perform acts of service - thus opening the doors of the Celestial Kingdom ever wider to their souls.

It is funny though - I grew up in a religious family so church and God are no stranger to me but these people - it is their identity. It defines everything they do. The books in the children section here - "I want to grow up to be a mommy!". The young marriages. The oddity (to me) of meeting 25 year olds who have never tasted a drop of alcohol. I had one person refer a church 12 step program to me because I admitted once I felt sick from a drinking binge the night before. As if!

I've had so many weird things happen here. The mini scandal when I tried to forge a temple recommend (I was told even if I'd succeeded, God himself would have barred the doors from allowing someone unrighteous into the temple).

Only one person here has come close to the truth of it all. He said to me one day "You know, you are the perfect troll. No one ever knows if you're being serious or joking. You have the ultimate poker face." So long as I remain here, I will continue to eat free dinners with attractive Mormon girls, have my car washed, and always be one half step from conversion. Any further over the line and I cease to be a cause and become just another sheep in a brain washed herd.

I hope you all enjoyed reading about my sinful existence in what may be the holiest of the United States. If any of you are ever in the Provo area and want to attend church with me, just send me a PM.

[CountDeMoney]

Utah never should've been admitted to the Union.  Freaks.

Are you sure it's not you Lettow refers to when he speaks longingly in flowery metaphors about pounding his roommate's tautly puckered yet ultimately pliable ass sphincter?  It's OK if you are--we don't judge here.

[Ideologue]

then I moved into a nice condo with a lakeside view with a nice older Mormon gentleman I'd befriended.

Lol the Martinus of Deseret.

Anyway, fuck Utah, I'm going to Seattle, one day, where it is like heaven put upon the Earth, and everyone is exactly like me, and the only downside is that things are slightly pricier.

[CountDeMoney]

I'm going to Seattle, one day, where it is like heaven put upon the Earth, and everyone is exactly like me, and the only downside is that things are slightly pricier.

Amen.  Rain, asian chicks, and coffee.

[Jaron]

I've been thinking of Seattle lately. The coast suits me better, and it seems like the type of city I could thrive in.


Just for my peace of mind, you didn't mean that "Someday I'm going to kill you, Jaron" thing back in '04/'05 did you?

[CountDeMoney]

Just for my peace of mind, you didn't mean that "Someday I'm going to kill you, Jaron" thing back in '04/'05 did you?

I don't know about Ide, but I'm pretty sure I meant it at the time.

[Jaron]

Its funny...my friend's family lives in Maryland. She invited me to go out there sometime so she could show me the glory of the state.

The conversation ended something like this.

Me: That sounds great! Where is your family from?
Her: Maryland
Me: Maryland? I want nothing to do with it! /flee in terror.

[Jaron]

If Maryland has Cracker Barrel though I would reconsider. One of these days I want a perfect score on the peg game.

[CountDeMoney]

There's a handful.  Overpriced Yankee Candles? Folksy hand crafted items made in China?  Blue-hair magnets, man.

[CountDeMoney]

You've taken quite a journey from the drive-thru at the Jack In The Box, Jaron.  It's like we've watched you grow up in front of our very eyes.

Ide too, but he's still has some more growing to do. Nyuk.

[Ideologue]

There's a handful.  Overpriced Yankee Candles? Folksy hand crafted items made in China?  Blue-hair magnets, man.

Decent place to get some French toast, though.

Ide too, but he's still has some more growing to do. Nyuk.

I have encountered some setbacks.

[Jaron]

Thanks.

I feel like a late bloomer, but the best thing I ever did was move away from my parents and cut out all those safety nets that held me up for so long. Standing on your own feet works wonders for your character.

I've become more social too. I think for weird basement dwellers like Raz the best medicine to your troubles is just to get the fuck out of town and build up something for yourself.

Yes - what I have isn't much, but it is all mine. And if your family is crazy, distance does wonders for the spirit.

[Eddie Teach]

Utah never should've been admitted to the Union.  Freaks.

Are you sure it's not you Lettow refers to when he speaks longingly in flowery metaphors about pounding his roommate's tautly puckered yet ultimately pliable ass sphincter?  It's OK if you are--we don't judge here.

You've made comments like this several times, but I'm not sure what gives you the impression that Lettow's a top. 


Jaron, is having dinner with a girl that awesome when you know you're not going to get anywhere with her? No sex without marriage and no marriage without conversion...

[Jaron]

It is when I eat for free.

Last time we had braised ribs, steamed broccoli, squash, twice baked potato, and apple tarts.

[Tonitrus]

Eventually, one of those attractive Mormon girls might suck you in...just like Boba Fett.