Dumb criminal stories

[Savonarola]

HUMBLE, Texas—A man arrested outside a bar in Humble early Thursday had so much to drink, police had to actually hold his head up just to snap his mug shot. Sean Carl Payne, 35, was charged with public intoxication. Humble police arrested Payne outside Shamrock's Bar and when they got him to jail, he was so drunk he had to have assistance being booked in.Police had to hold Payne's head steady just so they could take his picture.

[Syt]

Here's one from Salzburg, Austria:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/man-asks-police-if-theyre-looking-for-him-gets-arrested/

VIENNA - A German man wanted by authorities in Austria for alleged fraud ambled into a police station in Salzburg, where he asked officers a question; basically....am I under investigation?

Naturally, the police checked their files - whereupon they found their answer - yes, sir, you are under investigation - and now he's also under arrest.

Police said the 59-year-old suspect walked into the police station Friday night. A spokesman told the Austria Press Agency that the man said he just wanted to check that authorities had "nothing on him."

Instead, officers found a recent arrest warrant from a Vienna court listing four counts of fraud and embezzlement.The man is being held in a Salzburg prison.

Any more questions?

[Barrister]

Subject is attending a doctor's office with his son in order to help determine his parental suitability.

During the visit the doctor notices her iPhone has been stolen.  Sure enough, subject has it (together with an imitation firearm).

I suspect I know what the result of that assessment was.

[Barrister]

A quote from a pre-sentence report I'm reading.

"The subject states he has been dating his current wife, <name redacted> for approximately two years, but they have known each other since they were children.  He reports they reconnected after she "saw him on the most wanted list in the paper" and contacted him on Facebook."

[Valmy]

What a sweet story

[viper37]

You can not stop love BB!

[Malthus]

A quote from a pre-sentence report I'm reading.

"The subject states he has been dating his current wife, <name redacted> for approximately two years, but they have known each other since they were children.  He reports they reconnected after she "saw him on the most wanted list in the paper" and contacted him on Facebook."

The movie of the week taglines write themselves. 

"He was Most Wanted ... for love!"

[Barrister]

Man who fled Edmonton officers in stolen police car during 'ridiculous' crime gets two years

By Ryan Cormier, Edmonton Journal June 25, 2015 12:52 PM 


EDMONTON - A Calgary man who stole an Edmonton Police Service vehicle, then led officers on a high-speed chase, crashed into a tree and fought a police dog was given a two-year prison sentence Thursday.

Ian Trevor Ball, 27, was high on methamphetamines at the time, court heard as Ball pleaded guilty to six charges.

"These allegations are ridiculous," Crown prosecutor K.C. Komosky told court. "This was a criminal pursuit in a stolen police car."

On the morning of Oct. 30, 2014, police arrived at the parking lot of Century Motors, near 113th Street and 132nd Avenue, after a person reported a man with a gun. Ball, who did not have a gun, ducked between two vehicles when a police canine unit arrived.

The officer ordered Ball to show himself.

"The accused then stood up from behind a parked car and was holding a piece of 2x4 lumber in each hand," Komosky told court. Ball didn't appear to recognize the officer as a policeman, he added.

Ball dropped his lumber and bolted toward the unmarked police car, slamming the door moments before police dog Xieko reached him. When the officer opened the door, Ball kicked him in the chest and sped out of the parking lot in the unmarked Chevy Tahoe.

Ball led several police cruisers on a pursuit along 132nd Avenue, speeding at 90 km/h in a 50-km/h zone.

Ball sped through three red lights and drove in and out of oncoming traffic during the pursuit. After leading officers into a residential area, Ball lost control of the vehicle, skidded across oncoming traffic lanes, bounced off one spruce tree and slammed into a second.

Police service dog Maverick bit Ball on the shoulder as he fled the crashed police vehicle. Ball struggled with the German shepherd, slamming the dog into the side of the police vehicle. It took six officers to bring Ball under control and arrest him.

At the Royal Alexandra Hospital, Ball admitted he was high on methamphetamines.

"He's very regretful for what happened that day," defence lawyer John Poirier said of Ball, a married father with two young children. "He recalls very little of it."

Ball wrote apology letters to both the police and Royal Alexandra Hospital staff, court heard.

"I'd like to apologize for my crude behaviour," he wrote.

Ball pleaded guilty to possession of a weapon, assault of a peace officer, theft of a vehicle, failure to stop for police, dangerous driving and resisting arrest.

After his two-year sentence is complete, Ball will be banned from driving for three years.

He must also pay $39,845 in restitution to the City of Edmonton for damages to the $60,000 vehicle.

http://www.edmontonjournal.com/news/edmonton/fled+Edmonton+officers+stolen+police+during+ridiculous/11166299/story.html

[Savonarola]

Not at all a red flag:

Stevenson was living with his wife and young children when he met a 15-year-old Oregon girl in an online chatroom in 2012, according to the release. Over the next two years, he had her send pornographic pictures of herself to his e-mail "[email protected]," according to court records.

http://www.freep.com/story/news/2015/06/30/ryan-an-stevenson-sexslavetrainer-sentencing/29509243/

It sounds like that gmail address will be opening up soon, if anyone is interested.   

[Syt]

It seems that occasionally people in Germany try to get out of a pickle by claiming they don't recognize the Federal Republic of Germany as the rightful authority in Germany, and that the current country was founded illegally on the (partial) territory of the Germany Reich.

So with a man who refused to pay his car taxes. When executory officers showed up at his home to either take the cash or impound items that could be turned into cash he filed a criminal complaint with the state prosecutors (of the country he doesn't recognize ) claiming that the officers were impersonating officials of a country that doesn't exist and were therefore acting illegally.

The office quickly wrote him back that they would not prosecute, with the usual formulaic text that he could file an objection with the prosecution, but adding that that alternatively he could petition the King of Prussia. 

[Valmy]

He stands ready to serve his subjects.

[Barrister]

Impaired Zamboni Driver To Be Charged


Category: Local News
Published: Monday, 21 December 2015 10:57
Written by Tammy Plett

Referees contemplate calling the game after the Zamboni incident.

Police were called to the Ste. Anne arena after spectators noticed a worker driving the Zamboni erratically during a hockey game.

The ice resurfacing machine struck the rink boards, missed sections and dug grooves into the ice. According to police, the operator was uncooperative during arrest at the arena.

The incident happened between the second and third periods of the bantam hockey game between the Seine River Snipers and the Southeast Blizzard. The game was called due to the rough ice conditions with the third period being played Monday night in Ste. Anne.

Ste. Anne Police Chief Marc Robichaud says, "You don't have to be driving on a road to be charged with impaired driving. Under the criminal code a motor vehicle means a vehicle that is drawn, propelled or driven by any means other than muscular power."

Ste. Anne police report that the driver will be charged with impaired driving and refusing to provide a breath sample in relation to the operation of a Zamboni.

http://www.steinbachonline.com/local/impaired-zamboni-driver-charged

[Barrister]

Just reading through a file.  Pretty routine drunk driving file.  Suspect is a Chinese student, been in Canada 4 years.  POlice pull him over and have lots of interactions with him in English.  Once he fails the screening test though and the officer goes to arrest him, the student starts in on the "I don't understand english" line.

No problem - the officer has a civillian police employee along for a ride-along who speaks Mandarin.

The rest of the interactions were, of course, in English.




And what's wrong with you people - the drunk zamboni driver story directly above is gold!

[Valmy]

Sorry I missed it. DWI on a Zamboni is the most Canadian thing ever.

[viper37]

And what's wrong with you people - the drunk zamboni driver story directly above is gold!

I was away at the time!
It is gold, but not unusual, unfortunately.