Polyamory and you

[Martinus]

Some time ago we have had a poll whether sex is important for you in the relationship. Here we are talking about sex with other people. Of course, assume that for the sake of argument we are talking about what you would allow your partner to do, and assume the partner allowed you to do the same.

[Martinus]

For the record, I chose the door number 3.

[Valmy]

I wouldn't say no...I would say hell no.

[Drakken]

I chose number #1.

Truthfully, our current model of faithfulness is totally outdated and makes people of both gender unhappier.

And I don't say that because I want to cheat freely. I genuinely believe love and attraction aren't a sum-zero game, or a limited quantity of goo that decreases each time one loves another partner.

I don't say it wouldn't be hard. I just say that, in the 21th century we shouldn't be applying standards determined in a time when women were mere cattle and locked up in a dungeon-like room, like in Athens. Our scientific knowledge of human reproduction behaviors has long killed the myth that humans were as much monogamic as gorillas. We aren't.

[Valmy]

Truthfully, our current model of faithfulness is totally outdated and makes people unhappier.

Drama and shit out of my life in exchange for a steady partner?  How is that not full of win?  Putting up with the crap of getting new partners may make you happier but it made me miserable.

[Drakken]

Truthfully, our current model of faithfulness is totally outdated and makes people unhappier.

Drama and shit out of my life in exchange for a steady partner?  How is that not full of win?  Putting up with the crap of getting new partners may make you happier but it made me miserable.

Polyamory is having different partners without all the drama coming from cheating behind one's partner's back. By definition, everyone knows about it and gets along.

[BuddhaRhubarb]

Only really fat people are allowed to be poly. I no longer qualify. :p

Seriously though, It all seems like way too much work, I wouldn't mind an old fashioned orgy once in a while, but nothing beyond that. poly amorous is just another way of staying single and "dating" for this age we are in.

[Valmy]

Polyamory is having different partners without all the drama coming from cheating behind one's partner's back. By definition, everyone knows about it and gets along.

Yeah that doesn't sound like a train wreck at all.

[Drakken]

Only really fat people are allowed to be poly. I no longer qualify. :p

Seriously though, It all seems like way too much work, I wouldn't mind an old fashioned orgy once in a while, but nothing beyond that. poly amorous is just another way of staying single and "dating" for this age we are in.

Would an "open" marriage qualify as polyamory? In that case it isn't that much work, except when children are involved.

Ten years ago, I was the third wheel in such a relationship. The husband was a nice fellow, a Polish non-Martinus guy who was kind of a history buff himself, a little older than me, and we got along fine as we would discuss about history while his wife was away or busy. Even though he knew perfectly well I was banging his hot wife, in their bed, while he was gone fooling around on his own. Even when she was calling me her concubine, and that she loved me as she loved her husband. And I never hid it from him.

Once I asked him if it bothered him, and he told me he prefered that it was me because at least he got to know me and I was honest enough not to do it behind his back, and that he knew his wife was safe with me.

Wasn't very complicated at all, really. I only had to respect whatever deal those two had and treat the husband with respect. And as he wasn't a jerk, I had no problem to. No fuss, no train wreck, no jealousy crisis.

[Drakken]

Polyamory is having different partners without all the drama coming from cheating behind one's partner's back. By definition, everyone knows about it and gets along.

Yeah that doesn't sound like a train wreck at all.

Usually, polyamorious relationship tend to attract people who, well, won't turn it into a train wreck in the first place.

[BuddhaRhubarb]

Only really fat people are allowed to be poly. I no longer qualify. :p

Seriously though, It all seems like way too much work, I wouldn't mind an old fashioned orgy once in a while, but nothing beyond that. poly amorous is just another way of staying single and "dating" for this age we are in.

Would an "open" marriage qualify as polyamory? In that case it isn't that much work, except when children are involved.

Ten years ago, I was the third wheel in such a relationship. The husband was a nice fellow, a Polish non-Martinus guy who was kind of a history buff himself, a little older than me, and we got along fine as we would discuss about history while his wife was away or busy. Even though he knew perfectly well I was banging his hot wife, in their beds, while he was gone fooling around on his own. Even when she was calling me her concubine.

Once I asked him if it bothered him, and he told me he prefered that it was me because at least he got to know me and I was honest enough not to do it behind his back, and that he knew his wife was safe with me.

Wasn't very complicated at all, really. I only had to respect whatever deal those two had and treat the husband with respect. And as he wasn't a total jerk, I had no problem to.

To my mind it would. polyamory it seems is about having the freedom to have any kind of non traditional numbering of spouses. I know a few Poly groups or relationships, that seem to be on the surface at least very smooth running. There are kids. The kids are good kids, well socialized.

[Barrister]

I am with Brother Valmy on this question.

While I have no doubt that amongst six billion human beings all manner of sexual combinations have been tried, and at some point even worked for some duration of time, our modern experience has shown that open relationships, polyamory, or whatever have all tended to spectacular failure.

[Drakken]

I am with Brother Valmy on this question.

While I have no doubt that amongst six billion human beings all manner of sexual combinations have been tried, and at some point even worked for some duration of time, our modern experience has shown that open relationships, polyamory, or whatever have all tended to spectacular failure.

Our modern experience also show that believing that people can remain love together with a single partner for a life time is a pipedream to sell Twilight books and bad, cheezy Hollywood flicks.

Yeah, at some point it worked due to social pressure, but with this now gone couples cracking up is only a matter of time except in a very, very, very tiny minority of people. Nowadays a couple staying up to ten years together is considered a steady couple. Hell, even Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins broke up.

So, is Helen Fisher right? Are we creatures whose reproductive behavior can be akind to serial monogamy, a middle way between the monogamy of gorillas and the aggressive polygamy of chimpanzees?

[BuddhaRhubarb]

I am with Brother Valmy on this question.

While I have no doubt that amongst six billion human beings all manner of sexual combinations have been tried, and at some point even worked for some duration of time, our modern experience has shown that open relationships, polyamory, or whatever have all tended to spectacular failure.

Not necessarily.
The groups I know are all very long term.In one group, they have a 16 year old kid who has had 3-5 "parents" his whole life.

I think the current era is the only point in history where polyamory doesn't mean harem. Obviously not for everyone. I think likely you will be seeing more and more of these sorts of arrangements as people let go of tired binary coupling cliches.

Duality is for the weak. :p

[Barrister]

Our modern experience also show that believing that people can remain love together with a single partner for a life time is a pipedream to sell Twilight books and bad, cheezy Hollywood flicks.

The thing is, it isn't.

You often hear the fact that 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

But flip it around.  50% of marriages last until death.  That's a lot of successful marriages.