One for the Twilight fans

[Brazen]

I've never read nor watched any of this teenage Mormon fantasy bullshit, but this might just swing it

THE DEVIN'S ADVOCATE: WHY BREAKING DAWN MUST BE MADE INTO A MOVIE

With New Moon likely to make yet another metric fuckload of money this weekend we need to find the bright side to the entire Twilight mania. There must be something good that comes from this awful Mormon fantasy that seems to have invaded our culture on every front. That something is the eventual movie version of Breaking Dawn.

Even though New Moon has made a bazillion dollars and even though the third Twilight book, Eclipse, is already filming, Summit has declined to announce the fourth and final Twilight book as a movie. There's a good reason for this: Breaking Dawn is completely fucking insane, and it is probably totally unfilmable. But if they do film it... man, we are in for a treat.

Breaking Dawn opens with Bella Swan, the lacteal heroine of the series, finally getting married to Edward Cullen, the mopey vampire hero. They go off to honeymoon on Isle Esme, a Brazilian island the Cullen clan owns (this is already ridiculous beyond belief. Imagine a vampire going snorkeling; it basically happens in this book), and Edward is afraid to fuck his new bride. The reason: he's super strong and she's just a human - Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex type of situation here. But Bella wears him down and Edward throws it in her - and knocks her the fuck out, leaving her badly bruised.

Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up. Yes, an undead vampire apparently has enough viable sperm to impregnate a human woman while fucking her off the coast of Rio de Janero. Stephenie Meyer, you fabulous idiot!

The baby in Bella's belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella's ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it's making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

Oh wait, I missed something. Edward is completely freaked out about the baby, fearing it will kill Bella. He tries to convince her to get an abortion (but seriously, how could she? Vampires are tough to kill even in this shitty series), and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants. I'm dizzy with how ridiculous this is, and we're just getting started.

Eventually the baby starts to get born and Bella is dying. The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it's in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. Like Alia in Dune; I would accuse Stephenie Meyer of ripping this off, but anyone who thinks that Meyer might have read Frank Herbert has never been within spitting distance of Twilight. The woman is a moron.

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his fucking teeth. It's like something out of XTro, for the love of God. It's so horrible it's brilliant, and this scene alone is why I remain firm in declaring that David Cronenberg must direct Breaking Dawn. This is surely his movie.

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she's about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman's terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

The book makes no bones about this; while Jacob doesn't want to fuck the baby right off the bat, he can't stand to be away from it and visits everyday. His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he'll love her forever. So one day he's going to stick his wolf dick in this girl that he see as a bloody newborn. Romance is not dead, it's just being abused by insane Mormon writers.

There's more in Breaking Dawn - the Volturi come back, for one thing - but these are the main amazing events that demand this book to be turned into a film. I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I've seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching - I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema. The entire film of Breaking Dawn would play like the weirdest exploitation film since Doris Wishman died - brutal sex, bizarre body horror, unbelievable pedophilia.

A werewolf falling in love with a baby. This is why Thomas Edison invented this shit in the first place. So we could see a werewolf fall in love with a baby.

http://chud.com/articles/articles/21684/1/THE-DEVIN039S-ADVOCATE-WHY-BREAKING-DAWN-MUST-BE-MADE-INTO-A-MOVIE/Page1.html

[Josquius]

Howäs it mormon_

Let's go over that again: Edward fucks Bella into unconsciousness. This alone should have you running to Fandango to pre-order your tickets, but it only gets better.

Nice!
But...shouldn't he suck her face off or break her tongue or some such with the kissing?

[Grey Fox]

It's true.

[jimmy olsen]

Cracks review of the series is even more in depth and far more brutally hilarious.

http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

They're not exaggerating either, I've heard the same from multiple sources. Quite disturbing given how many teens I saw reading this in school last year. I know it's just teen lit, but at least Harry Potter didn't have baby/alien chestburst scenes followed by pedo love.

[Caliga]

I don't understand why chicks think that dude is so hot.  He looks like someone who just got out of bed, since he is unshaven and never seems to comb his hair.  Is filthiness the new HOTT look? 

[Syt]

I don't understand why chicks think that dude is so hot.  He looks like someone who just got out of bed, since he is unshaven and never seems to comb his hair.  Is filthiness the new HOTT look? 

Back in my day it was called "grunge".

[Tamas]

Cracks review of the series is even more in depth and far more brutally hilarious.

http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

They're not exaggerating either, I've heard the same from multiple sources. Quite disturbing given how many teens I saw reading this in school last year. I know it's just teen lit, but at least Harry Potter didn't have baby/alien chestburst scenes followed by pedo love.

this sounds even more horrible than I thought it would be 

[DontSayBanana]

Speaking as one who's dredged through all the books, it's completely true.  The rough vampire sex, the Alia knock-off, the pedophilia, but that movie will be far from great.  The book should stop at Bella having the baby and Jacob falling for it while Bella's becoming a vampire, but there's this whole crap thing about vampire babies being verbot that just drags on and on and leaves the book with the least satisfying ending I've read since Butlerian Jihad.  No matter how many taboo subjects get stuck in Breaking Dawn (and there are several), it still manages to go out with a whimper.

[Caliga]

Speaking as one who's dredged through all the books

[jimmy olsen]

Speaking as one who's dredged through all the books, it's completely true.  The rough vampire sex, the Alia knock-off, the pedophilia, but that movie will be far from great.  The book should stop at Bella having the baby and Jacob falling for it while Bella's becoming a vampire, but there's this whole crap thing about vampire babies being verbot that just drags on and on and leaves the book with the least satisfying ending I've read since Butlerian Jihad.  No matter how many taboo subjects get stuck in Breaking Dawn (and there are several), it still manages to go out with a whimper.

Dude, WTF?

[DisturbedPervert]

Speaking as one who's dredged through all the books

You never told us you were kidnapped and tortured

[DontSayBanana]

One word, guys: girlfriend.  Plus, the books are far better than the movies thus far; I figured they were OK pulp fiction, but didn't get the craze.

[Tamas]

One word, guys: girlfriend.  Plus, the books are far better than the movies thus far; I figured they were OK pulp fiction, but didn't get the craze.

Another word: gay

[Caliga]

One word, guys: girlfriend.

So your girlfriend makes you read the same shit she does?

[Mr.Penguin]

Speaking as one who's dredged through all the books, it's completely true. (snip)

I guess someone had to do, it's also called taking one for the team...