Things to Say to Cold Calling Brokers

[The Minsky Moment]

"I already have an investment account and am happy with it."

That never works.

Of course, it never gets the guy to actually hang up,

See told you so.   

[DontSayBanana]

Also, for AmeriKKKans only:

http://www.donotcall.gov

There are still massive loopholes. If your phone number is being used for business, you can't add the number to the DNC list. If it's a survey and not for profit, it's not blocked from numbers on the DNC list. If it's a political campaign, it's also not blocked from calling numbers on the list.

I don't get cold calls most of the time, but I absolutely HATED making them. Our scripts were scummy, misleading, and the newsletters we were charging $300 a year for were mostly for information that could be found for free with a half hour of free time and Google.

[Drakken]

Also, polling interviewers are not covered by DNC lists. Which is good, otherwise I would be out of business. 

Not that I call, of course. Philosophy undergrads and teenage munchkins do the dirty work for me. 

[Capetan Mihali]

As a philosophy undergrad and former telemarketer (for the Ballet, mind you  ), the easiest/best negative response was: "Please take me off your list."   Once those magic words were spoken, we would just put DNC (do not call) on the card and retire it. 

The worst strategy was "This isn't a good time right now" or "I'm busy right now."  The protocol in that case was to say "Ok, no problem" and then call back daily until we got a definitive response.

[Neil]

"I already have an investment account and am happy with it."

The neat thing about this statement is that it's actually true. 

Of course, it never gets the guy to actually hang up, so I usually hang up before he finishes the next sales hook.

If you ever want some amusement, tell them that you're independently wealthy, and then shut them down while they scramble to try and rob you.

[DontSayBanana]

As a philosophy undergrad and former telemarketer (for the Ballet, mind you  ), the easiest/best negative response was: "Please take me off your list."   Once those magic words were spoken, we would just put DNC (do not call) on the card and retire it. 

The worst strategy was "This isn't a good time right now" or "I'm busy right now."  The protocol in that case was to say "Ok, no problem" and then call back daily until we got a definitive response.

We used an auto-dial and were trained to be super-literal; pretty much anything that sounded like "later" was treated as a "5"- the system hung up and sent the number to the bottom of the pile. We were usually fishing for "14" (call back at a specific time, hopefully to get to the contact name with no questions asked). "12" (refusal) was saved for absolutely no chance of getting the person with the title we were looking for.

[Martinus]

Responses that worked for me:

A. Thanks, already got one.

B. Please send your brochure/prospectus/offer to my e-mail address [email protected]. I will get back to you when I read them and I'm interested.

C. What you are doing violates regulation xyz and carries a penalty of a fine of 123. If you continue calling me, I will feel obliged to notify the authorities.

D. [YELLING]

[Legbiter]

Broker calls have always been an annoyance, but recently it seems to have been accelerating.  I guess a combination of desperation to make bonuses combined with hope that people are looking to put money back into the market.

I really hate being rude on the phone, but it seems to be the only thing that gets these guys to stop calling.  So if anyone has advice on what to do or say to stop the calls, I would appreciate it.

Recent responses that worked.

Broker: "blah blah blah  . . . I cant trust you to keep an open mind, can't I?
A:  No you can't, I am a very closed minded person.

Broker: If I could double your money in the next 6 months, you'd like that wouldn't you?
A: No I'd feel terrible and wracked with guilt.

Broker: You agree with what I am saying right?
A:  Yes I do agree.  And yet I am not investing any money with you. Ever.

Have you tried responding in Old Norse to them? Worked for me

[Martinus]

I don't pick up the phone if I don't know the number or don't want to speak with that person.

Doesn't really work in a profession like Minsky's, where you may be getting a call from a client.

[Martinus]

WHat I hate are the cold calls from companies you have a pre-existing dealing with.  My bank is particularily bad for this.  I generally like dealing with them, but they insist on calling every few weeks...

When they annoy me I threaten to move my current account, deposits and credit cards to their competitor and this usually buys me several weeks of quiet.

[Razgovory]

I don't pick up the phone if I don't know the number or don't want to speak with that person.

Doesn't really work in a profession like Minsky's, where you may be getting a call from a client.

Though really garbon's solution is the best for both parties.  If they knew they were calling garbon they wouldn't want to talk to him either.

[DontSayBanana]

Responses that worked for me:

A. Thanks, already got one.

B. Please send your brochure/prospectus/offer to my e-mail address [email protected]. I will get back to you when I read them and I'm interested.

C. What you are doing violates regulation xyz and carries a penalty of a fine of 123. If you continue calling me, I will feel obliged to notify the authorities.

D. [YELLING]

C and D would work for the idiots employed at PBP. A would launch them into "rebuttal" efforts into pushing you to "compare it to the competition and see why ours is better." B would have gotten you spammed all to hell, and if you didn't order, you'd just get called again on the next round of marketing in a few months.

[Martinus]

In my experience "B" works because they are usually reluctant to send you anything by e-mail/in writing before you agree to meet them in person, in my experience. Which only proves they are crooks.

[Capetan Mihali]

Yeah, "I'm already a member/subscriber/etc" is a good one.  You're not really supposed to accuse the customer of lying, just thank them.

[Legbiter]

48. How fare the gods? | how fare the elves?
All Jotunheim groans, | the gods are at council;
Loud roar the dwarfs | by the doors of stone,
The masters of the rocks: | would you know yet more?

49. Now Garm howls loud | before Gnipahellir,
The fetters will burst, | and the wolf run free
Much do I know, | and more can see
Of the fate of the gods, | the mighty in fight.


Usually they'd give up before I got to the second verse.