We MPs are fungi, in the dark, covered in manure

[Sheilbh]

We MPs are fungi, in the dark, covered in manure
A week in the madhouse - the ghastly truth
Austin Mitchell

In the 1980s I wrote Four Years in the Death of the Labour Party. Today four days would be more appropriate. Everything is so compressed with 24-hour news that nervous breakdowns, which could once be gracefully spread over a decade and enjoyed in Switzerland, now take only hours. They go on in full public view. Which may account for the manic fixed grins on ministerial faces as they avert their eyes from the angry mob watching.

Monday, June 1

Week begins at 7am at Radio Humberside (once called Radio Homicide by one of my American researchers). I'm invited to comment on Elliot Morley's decision to step down in Scunthorpe. I regret it and make the obvious point that the witch-hunt, driven by the Torquemada Telegraph, leaves no chance for the accused (as MPs are now called instead of Honourable Members) to get a fair trial.

It's admit and out. Twenty years of devoted work for Scunthorpe count for nothing. Once they've tasted blood the angries demand more. Don't just go. Go now. Put your staff on the street, wind up the office, do not pass go and certainly don't collect the £200, or whatever the resettlement allowance now is. You're to rot in hell, not retire. No matter that the resettlement money is for staff as well as Members. They colluded in crime and deserve nothing.

Later in the day I begin to understand what a mistake it is to defend anything or anyone. Put your head above the parapet and it's shot off. Stay home and say nowt is the only approach. The Grimsby Telegraph is filled with letters denouncing me as a geriatric who's drunk Laphroaig at taxpayers' expense, possibly molested women and certainly achieved nothing for Grimsby in 30 years.

12 noon. Out canvassing. We do old people's dwellings. The reception is good. The oldies are mostly still loyal to Labour, though they don't like Europe. The ties still bind here. There's only one mention of expenses: "Have you brought us some Branston Pickle?"

Tuesday, June 2

Out and about in Grimsby. No hostility, that's reserved for the mail. Folk are generally friendly but fewer people look me straight in the eye. Or am I becoming paranoid? More abusive e-mails but fortunately the phone calls swearing at my staff have stopped.

In a crisis it's better to be at home and keep in touch by television and radio than it is to be at Westminster. Media bring the news of Jacqui Smith and other women standing down. Compass FM ring to ask if this is a plot. How the hell do I know?

7pm. To the local council's development dinner to launch us as Greater Grimsby and boost inward investment. Our business elite gather. My new opponent, the Conservative PPC, is there so I congratulate her on the efforts the Government is making to help her. She looks puzzled. Then advises me to keep Gordon on.

11pm.Home to learn on the phone that the star chamber hearing for Ian Gibson, a much loved and independent MP, was a kangaroo court and over in 25 minutes. It simply refused to listen to him. Gordon must be trying to show himself as virile as Cameron, who has cleverly managed to purge the grandees he doesn't like while protecting himself, his front bench and their big mortgages.

Wednesday, June 3

Early train to London. Hazel Blears has stood down. She's returning to the grassroots. Hope Salford's grass isn't too high. There are rumours that Caroline Flint will go too. It can't be a women's plot. They're not organised enough for that.

Arrive at the Fun Factory. Tell fellow MP Stephen Pound I've come to the House to claim sanctuary. "You can't claim that on the additional costs allowance," he advises. MPs are no longer the elite tribunes of the people. Today they are the sewer cleaners of the constitution, tackling everyone's little problems with the machine. It's a humble job and we're treated accordingly.

Those who know what's going on (or pretend to) are all in transit across the road to the TV cameras. We're the mushrooms of the system, kept in the dark with regular doses of manure thrown over us - and the 24-hour news channels are throwing it.

Inside the Fun Factory there's only gossip and rumour. Rumours tell me that there's a round-robin e-mail (no one approaches me). The Blairites are moving in (and they've certainly taken time off from their day jobs to come to Parliament). Alan Johnson is leading a plot (no sign). Plots are London-bred but today's MPs are there for only three days a week and aren't together long enough to form a coherent view.

It would be nice to have a party meeting so Gordon can tell us what's going on. There was one on Monday that I missed. In the 24-hour news age you need party meetings every day. Preferably twice a day.

Tories gloat. Liberals preach and glow with virtue (as usual). We Labour MPs scoot round, heads down and a piece of paper in hand to indicate purpose. I begin to realise that Gordon has so few people to reshuffle that I might be in with a chance. Power at last. That's only fair after a 32-year apprenticeship.

It's all so unlike the last big wave of Labour panic in 1979. Then we had no majority, but defeat in Parliament and betrayal by the unions brought us all together behind Jim Callaghan, a much loved leader. None of that today. We simply fall apart and run round in circles asking each other if we've heard anything.

Austin Mitchell is Labour MP for Great Grimsby

Mainly posted for the headline, though I thought the whole thing pretty fun.

[Syt]

Better than Fungi from Yoggoth. 

[jimmy olsen]

  Nice article. When do the results start coming in?

[Sheilbh]

Well it's only council elections tonight but the first results should be in about an hour and a half.  The EU election, not until Sunday.

[jimmy olsen]

The EU election, not until Sunday.

I encourage all Swedish voters to vote Pirate.

[Sheilbh]

For Tim and other curious foreigners the BBC's got good coverage.  As someone who spends entire flights watching the map, I'm especially looking forward to this gadget working:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/bsp/hi/elections/local_council/09/map/html/map.stm

[Habsburg]

As someone who spends entire flights watching the map

OMG!!! 

[Richard Hakluyt]

It's 6 in the morning and only a couple of results are in, what's going on  ?

[Barrister]

It's 6 in the morning and only a couple of results are in, what's going on  ?

GO TO BED.

[Richard Hakluyt]

I just got up 

[Palisadoes]

Labour already down 23 seats! It's going to be a good day!

[jimmy olsen]

Found this link at a Guardian blog, BNP is beating Labour and the Lib Dems in some wards.

Good thing it's first past the post.
http://www.hertsdirect.org/actweb/election/latest.htm

[Sheilbh]

Lib Dems have taken Bristol City Council.  Labour's moved into third

[jimmy olsen]

Lib Dems have taken Bristol City Council.  Labour's moved into third

Yeah, they were the first to report, is that a shocking result? All the forecast for the election have been very bad for Labour.

Also, why are results so slow? In the US they'd be almost all in by now.

[Sheilbh]

Yeah, they were the first to report, is that a shocking result? All the forecast for the election have been very bad for Labour.

It's a wee bit of a surprise.  If Labour are doing worse than the Tories in Bristol then it's bad for them.

Also, why are results so slow? In the US they'd be almost all in by now.

Well they only started counting this morning and we still use ballot papers in this country.  What normally happens is that you have an hour or two of early results (often councils that do some counting on the night like Lincolnshire) and fevered prediction.  Then there's a flood and for about 2 hours there's a new result every couple of minutes.