The Embarrassment of Dead Papists: A Dutch Golden Age AAR for Eu4

[Queequeg]

I've been taking photos of my current 1578 start Dutch playthrough in aspirations of making it an AAR, writing out first entry tonight or tomorrow. 

[Queequeg]

Fucked by France.  Again.  Lost 3 home country provinces and my vassals in the low countries.  Fucking Austria and Spain both got WPs with the motherfucker.

[Queequeg]

UK declared war and took out all my trading fleets so I'm massively in debt.  Not salvageable. 

[Queequeg]

Realistically keeping a 60k army in the province you don't your March in (with Wallonia as a vassal/buffer) should be constant. 

[Viking]

UK declared war and took out all my trading fleets so I'm massively in debt.  Not salvageable.

sooo.. no aar then?

[Alcibiades]

 

[Queequeg]

UK declared war and took out all my trading fleets so I'm massively in debt.  Not salvageable.

sooo.. no aar then?

I think the next DLC will have some Republican stuff, so maybe in the next month.

[Queequeg]

Ironman in a tiny-ass country is a bitch.

[grumbler]

I've been taking photos of my current 1578 start Dutch playthrough in aspirations of making it an AAR, writing out first entry tonight or tomorrow.

The pictures are definitely what "made" this AAR.  Thanks for sharing.

[Queequeg]

Started a new game, and it's going well so far.  Currently just in 1610s, and waiting for the new patch as I think the coalition tweeks will help.  Starting with an initial post.

In the HBO series John Adams, there's a scene where Adams is asking the Dutch government for a war-time loan, and says something to the effect of "Dutch and American histories are summaries of each other".  I get what Adams was going for-there's a lot of parallels, and some actual religious and personal ties in the form of the pilgrims and the Dutch New Yorkers, but the Dutch were fighting 80 years an existential multi-continental conflict against multiple empires that wanted to burn all of them at the stake as a tiny, swampy, sea-level country with limited resources, while the US was fighting a guerrilla conflict against a relatively civilized foe with substantial and continuously growing support of the greatest European power of the period.  I'd be kind of surprised if the Dutch weren't at least slightly offended. 

I also think that the Dutch are one of the few relatively uncomplicated "good guys" in European history.  Subjugation of Indonesia besides, throughout this period they generally stood for artistic, intellectual and religious openness, and laid a lot of the foundations of the good bits of modern western civilization. 

So I'm going to set up a few rules for my AAR.

1) It's Ironman.  I cheat habitually in Paradox games to avoid collapse, and I think this adds a lot of drama to the inevitable coalition conflicts with France and the colonial-trade conflicts with England, Spain and Portugal. 

2) No HRE or other continental Europe blobbing.  The United Provinces will not go on to become some kind of Rheinish super-state or re-emerged Burgundian super-state.  In my current game the home provinces are all Flemish or Dutch, and I have vassalized Hainaut and Liege, and keep Luxemberg to the Austrians to defend.  I don't find European blobbing to be historically plausible, and I generally play Paradox games a kind of role-playing game with strategy and simulation elements. 

3) No or few exploits. 

I'm going to do this at least partially as an alternative history.  I love the 1587 Dutch game.  It's far enough in to the period that you get a lot of historically accurate or plausible outcomes in the late or mid game; so in my last game, I (like the real Netherlands) ended up effectively allied with Spain and the Hapsburgs against united French and British interests, and in pretty neat historical irony the French army that ultimately fucked me, like the real French forces during the Rampjaar, came through Liege and Cleves, bypassing my defenses.  So I'll go in to some modest depth about how the inclusion of Flanders changes the Republic, and (obviously) aim not to have the dramatic decline of Dutch power in the early 18th Century. 

[Queequeg]

Here's the Dutch position in 1587.  Your control over the Dutch-speaking Netherlands is total, and these are eventually the provinces that will form the entire European Netherlands. 

If you don't play this smart, the 80 Years War will last about 8 months. 

As is, the Dutch Fleet and Army just won't be able to stand up to the Spanish.  You're completely, totally fucked if you don't pull off a few gamey maneuvers.

1) Move the Staatse Leger (Federal Army) to Friesland, and build up a 25k+ army in Friesland and Gelre.  The Spanish will move troops across Breda to besiege the provinces you've taken in Flanders. 
2) Do same with the Dutch Navy.  You can use the light ships to protect trade, but keep in mind they'll be fucked because there's no way you can build and maintain a navy capable of taking on the Spanish. 
3) France is your friend.  Don't take Vlandeern in an initial peace deal (you get the awful Heretic Neighbor relations penalty). In this game I managed to get France in to an alliance and did a successful Call to Arms, but this is only possible in about 15% of initial starts.  Even if you can't get a call to arms, an alliance with France will help avoid coalitions of minor German states that gang up on you in the first 20-30 years.  The largest Spanish army always besiges Vlaandern-take out the smaller Spanish armies, and then ask for France for military access so you can approach Vlandeern without the river penalty.  Military access also means France won't declare war.  Conversely, if France gives Spain military access at gamestart, just quit.  You're dead.  Totally dead.  Holland falls.
4) Bring in Switzerland and Scotland.  They distract the Spanish, and gloriously the Spanish can't do fucking shit about Swiss sieges of Franche-Comte and Milan.


As I said, in this playthrough I managed to get France in to an alliance and pulled them in to the war.  It's fucking awesome.  I didn't even have to have the big showdown in Brugge.



I'm generally happy to be the  naval hat of the French Empire in the early years of the game.  Getting the French involves also cuts way back on the amount of debt I had to take on.  However, as you noticed, I stupidly kept my light ships trading, when they should have been in port waiting for peacetime trading. 



Here's the situation after the brilliant French victory in Flanders.  My (huge) army is besieging the remaining Spanish strongholds, but that massive Spanish army in the heart of France that the French aren't doing shit about is starting to really worry me.


Here's the pretty-close to ideal peace. The Spanish siege of Champagne is over, and I just want the war to be over before they start whipping my ass.  Ideally, I wish I could have released Milan or some other holdings, but actually keeping Spain as a balance against France is the best possible position.  I want to avoid war with Spain for 50 years so they lose cores on Flanders and we can be friends.  I have no aspirations in the New World- the money is in the Indies, and I take South Africa and Australia for raw resources.  I don't want colonial wars with Britain and France unless I have to, and the New World is a mess.  I get all the Flemish and Dutch provinces that aren't bordering France, Hainaut and Luxemberg are free, and the Spanish keep Cambry and Artois because they're not cores of any nation I can release and they border France.  So the 80 Years War lasts 2 years, and the Spanish pay my debt. 

[Razgovory]

Hey, Pictures!

[Queequeg]

Game no longer viable.  Joined Austria in a big war against France; I had a real shot at helping swing the war, but my fucking leper of a Stadtholder lost a battle in Breda where he had a river bonus and 10,000 more men, and then Spain DoWed, with Austria breaking the alliance. 

Starting over tomorrow with almost same set up, new patch, and no longer on hard AI level.

[Razgovory]

You suck.

[Queequeg]

Not really? It's a hard position given how easily France blobs.