This is no cave

[Monoriu]

Just got back home from a trip to Sri Lanka and Bangkok.  This is the first time I am grateful to be alive after I finish a trip. 

I'll type the details after I have gathered my thoughts.  Hint: Bangkok is not the problem 

[Monoriu]

Our first and biggest mistake was to buy everything in one package from our travel agent in HK.  They of course contracted out everything to another travel agency in Sri Lanka, which in turn contracted out everything to the tour guide.  The package included airfare, hotel, transportation, guided tour, breakfast and lunch, and tickets to attractions.  Dinner is not included, but we brought instant noodles. 

First half of the trip was the guided tour.  If we liked, we could pay the guide more so that he could take us to more places in the second half.  In any case he would take us back to the airport for the return trip.  Before we went we checked and figured that a US$50 gratuity at the end would be appropriate.  Guess they don't earn too much anyway. 

[Pat]

Where did you go? And why are you glad to be home alive?

[Monoriu]

Where did you go? And why are you glad to be home alive?

We went to Columbo to check the accuracy of your stories 

[Pat]

Never buy package tours - almost always cheaper to get what you want when you need it and then you have the freedom of not being bound by a fixed schedule. In Goa me and my friend went from beautiful beach to beautiful beach until we came to the biggest beach Calingute where you had cows eating from mountains of garbage on the beach, which was also super-crowded with indians and with jet skis zooming past meaning you didn't dare go very far out in the water etc. Of course that's the beach all the big travel chains took the charter tourists and the only place we saw middle-age and elderly couples who no doubt would go back home telling all their friends of how bad Goa is...

We went to Columbo to check the accuracy of your stories 

I hope not! 

Was it still under curfew? Did you still have to check in all your bags (even plastic bags) when entering shops etc?

Did you go on any safari? Me and my friend went on one and it was great (though we didn't get to see any leopards - lots of wild elephants and many other animals though, including a crocodile eating an antelope).

[Monoriu]

Columbo is heavily guarded.  We passed 4 checkpoints from the airport to the hotel.  But I guess one look at our skin colour and the guards would conclude that we were not Tamils. 

The guide started out ok.  Very cautious driving in a land where a highway consists of one lane dirt roads, with traffic coming from both sides. 

But that's about it.  He spoke very limited English, and most of the time didn't speak at all.  He was more like a mute taxi driver than a tour guide. 

[Monoriu]

First thing my wife noticed was how they treated women.  Nobody seemed to ever address, look at, or speak to her.  We each carried a suitcase.  The amazing thing was, the hotel staff would offer to take mine but totally ignore her.  Most of the waiting staff at restaurants were men.  The only exception was army checkpoints, where there was always at least one female security staff.  For searching females, I guess.

[Monoriu]

The troubles began one morning when the tour guide took us to a tea factory.  For the first time in Sri Lanka, we opened our wallets.  We bought about US$30 worth of tea leaves, and he got maybe US$10 in kickbacks.  The owner didn't seem to mind us seeing the cash transfer.  That's ok, that happens in every country I know of.  Our guide was extremely happy, so happy, that *we* had to wait for *him* to finish drinking tea. 

But it was another thing to drop us off a rundown jewelry shop with no warning, no prior discussion, and no asking.  We refused to get off the car.  We knew we would not get out of there unless we bought tons of cheap plastic posed as jewelry.  He protested, but couldn't do anything as we refused to even open the car door. 

When I saw his face again a few minutes later, he was another person.  You'd think I should be worried.  But actually, his brown face was as pale as white.  I had never seen a more frightened face before.  The Haitians seemed more cheerful than him.  He asked us if we wanted to see a silk shop instead, and we declined without hesitation.

An hour later, we ended up outside the silk shop anyway.  The wife blasted him with the full force of her personality.  He didn't force the issue, but his muteness turned to total rudeness. 

The tea leaves was the end, not the beginning, of kickbacks.

[Pat]

Yep, they'd usually just wave us past as well just by looking at us and seeing we're tourists. If they didn't stop us to have a friendly chat, which happened quite a lot (one officer told me I looked like David Beckham )

Strange that a guide wouldn't speak much english, I found that most lankese spoke very well english.

Where did you go that you needed to go by one lane dirt roads? Kandy? (Would have liked to go there but sadly didn't have time.) Only time we went outside Colombo, to the natural park in the SE of the island, we went by the coastal road which is built with aid money after the old one was destroyed in the tsunami, so it was a very nice road. As you drove it you still saw the destruction, ruined houses and boats and trains scattered randomly upland... Stopped by the old dutch fort of Galle, the best preserved european fort in Asia which survived the tsunami thanks to it's walls though the surrounding modern city did not. Very cool place. Apparently the dutch built it so that when the tide was high, it would sweep in and clean the gutters of the city!

While we were still driving out of the suburbs of Colombo, a monkey suddly jumped out in front of the car. We felt the bump as we drove right over and then it hit a tuk-tuk behind us. Miraculously it just ran away as if nothing had happened.

Lots of huge lizards along the road also. Oh, and cows in the middle of the road, of course (they even have a "Warning for Cow" traffic sign, which I haven't even seen in India).

[Pat]

Perhaps it's back to business for them now. When me and my friend was there they made a point out of NOT hassling tourists and to treat tourists well. We walked past a few stands in Colombo, and one of the sellers would start hassling us to buy something, as sellers do... when the seller from the stand next to him dragged him back and basically told him to stop hassling us. I've never had that happend in any other place in the world. Generally we found Sri Lanka really great because you didn't get hassled a lot all the time, in fact we were almost never hassled, and the sellers would even offer us the same prices as they offered locals! (I know, because they were always very, very low and sometimes a local would come and buy something and be charged the same price).

I think they had some campaign to treat tourists nice to win support for the war. Most people you met would smile at you in the street.

[Monoriu]

The next morning he was back to his old self again, if still muted.  The wife noticed that he had a lot mobile phone calls than usual. 

That morning we were scheduled to visit a spice garden.  I would expect that a spice plantation had plenty of a single crop.  But actually the reverse was true of that "farm" - one single tree of every spice/herb imaginable.  The sales...err...I mean "farmer" carefully introduced us to the medical benefits of each kind of tree.  At the end of the tour we were handed a list of 40 recipes.  Cures for backpain, headache, obesity, skin problems, aging, insomnia, and I swear that cancer was mentioned somewhere. 

We didn't buy anything, but Mr guide didn't mind, for a change. 

[Monoriu]

As soon as we got out of the spice garden he said he needed a minute for a "friend".  We asked for details, but he just left.  There was a gang of perhaps 10 thugs with motorcycles on the other side of the road waiting. 

Just as we reached the mobile phone to call the police, he got back, waving a golden necklace.  He said he paid US$5 for a necklace that should've cost him US$25.  Wife's reaction was to tell him to hide it.  He was totally pissed upon hearing that, and said that all Sri Lankas were hellful.  Pretty sure he tried to say helpful. 

My theory is that the whole thing was a set up.  He thought I would be interested to buy "jewelry" after his little show.  The gang?  I bet those were his creditors.  As in "you want me to pay you back?  Then help me with this hoax".  He promised to pay them back the day before after I bought stuff at the jewelry/silk shops, but I didn't fall for it.  That's why he was so frightened - his life was at stake.

[Monoriu]

Our next stop was the Sigiria Rock.  He asked us if we wanted to hire a guide.  We were like "we thought YOU are our guide, no?"  For the first time, he admitted that he was no guide.  We said no guide would be necessary.  A swarm of men followed our car as we got near the place, and one of them talked to the driver.  He then followed us and began to introduce the place to us.  I think he had trouble understanding the meaning of "no". 

We fought our way up the Rock, both against the height and against the dozens of men who offered to be our guide.  We finished without help. 

Sigiria was actually the last part of the guided tour.  Only thing the driver owed us at that point was the ride back to the airport.  We had a few days off in between, and he had the audacity to ask us which places we were interested in seeing.  I said we would discuss this at the hotel.  He thought I meant we would stay "in the hotel" for the next few days, and went ballistic.  Said this was his country, he was a teacher, had a degree, not a mere driver, and he would not be bossed around by a woman. 

I said everything would be alright, let's go to the hotel. 

[Monoriu]

As soon as we got to the hotel and unloaded the luggage, we dashed inside and left him waiting at the lobby.  I refused to say a single word to him again.  Son of a bitch didn't know that he had already been fired.  We called our travel agency and said they didn't keep their side of the bargain, that we would complain loudly unless they called the Sri Lankan travel agency to recall that guy immediately.  I said flatly that I feared for my safety and that I didn't want to see this person for the rest of my life.  For the trip back to the airport, we would ask the hotel to take us there, then ask for a refund from our travel agency. 

All our wishes were granted. 

[Monoriu]

Here is my theory on what actually happened.

Throughout the journey, the car was always low on fuel.  He always refueled just enough for each trip.  I think the car was provided by his company, but he had to pay for the fuel.

The tickets to the various attractions were supposedly included in the package.  Every time we got to a place, he would let us know exactly how much he was paying for tickets.  He implied that he paid for the tickets and he expected to be compensated. 

By my count, he paid at least US$300 for fuel and tickets.  The generally accepted level of gratuity was US$50 - no where near enough.  He had to balance his books by getting kickbacks, LOTs of kickbacks.  Tealeaves or wood carvings or spice concoctions wouldn't save him.  Only way out of his hole was me buying lots of worthless jewelry. 

He likely borrowed US$300 for his little operation, and hope that the Monos would be careless with money.  I bet he is not a languish regular    At the end he got no gratuity, and perhaps US$10 in tea leaves kickbacks.   

I am certain that, had we allowed him to take us back to the airport, we would already be dead. 

I hope that motorcycle gang lynched him