Transgender MEGATHREAD

[Tonitrus]

The feral cat that's adopted us as it's new home is female, though it does spend a lot of time out at nights, isn't sterilised, but still hasn't had any kittens.

I'm fairly certain that this cat referred to as "she" is in fact male cat. All the other pet cats that have owned us have been female, so not sure what a boy cat looks like down below; but one thing I'm not gonna do is google for images of cat genitalia!

In this instance the notion of gender is rather fluid and at least here, a social construct. 

You can't normally see their penis unless they're, er, aroused (when it's bright red).

But they have a pair of furry little balls you can't miss.

Thank you very much and Tamas too, but again ...

I AM NOT GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR A CAT'S DANGELY BITS. 

We had a few male cats growing up, and never once saw their pee-pee.

Then I cat-sat for someone who had to go a trip/military duty for about a month...that guy had his pecker out all of the time.

[garbon]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/08/i-thought-my-boyfriend-of-10-years-was-going-to-propose-then-he-told-me-he-was-transgender

'I thought my boyfriend of 10 years was going to propose – then he told me he was trans'

It was 3am and I'd had a lot to drink; two reasons why I was pressing my boyfriend of 10 years on why he hadn't yet proposed. We were strong and happy, and loved each other madly, so his reticence seemed ludicrous to me when sober, let alone drunk. I suspect it was my ceaseless questioning that ultimately blew a fuse in his brain, because that's when he told me his secret.

When I woke up, he was gone. I watched his WhatsApp status like it was the heart monitor of an ailing relative. The second I saw "online", I called and asked him to come home. To talk. To answer the questions that I'd scribbled illegibly on a half-folded piece of A4 paper.

He walked through the door and sat down, his face masked with fear. "What were you trying to tell me?" I asked hopefully, all too aware of how different things can look when alcohol is no longer shaping your every thought.

"I have gender identity issues," he blurted, eyes fixed on the floor. "I just ... don't identify with being male," he said. My throat thickened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew this person better than anyone in the world, but could in no way reconcile him with the words coming out of his mouth.

"Well, what do you identify with?" I pleaded, panicking.

"I don't know – like, non-binary, or ... " Oh my God, what was he about to say? " ... trans." The word flooded my body with a surreal disbelief.

I was already sure, cold and emphatic: this was done. We were done. "But why?" he implored.

"Because I can't be ... I don't want to be with a woman." It was surprising to me how obvious this fact was, because everything else was suddenly underwater.

"But I don't know how far it will go yet," he said. "I don't know anything yet. Except that our relationship is more important than my gender."

My questions were redundant. Their purpose was to establish where we go from here, but in the private theatre of my mind, the curtains closed at every turn. Soon, my sister was outside. I tried to articulate why I'd asked her to collect me and why I had a suitcase. She knew something was wrong, of course, but she had no idea of the magnitude.

"He ... He ... thinks he might be ... ans." I couldn't get it out of my mouth.

"What? What are you saying, Feebs?"

"He thinks he might be trans." We stood on the dark street, cobbles glossed with rain, and wept. Her tears soaked my shoulder, and mine hers. We drove back to hers. I sat in silence, numb, watching the rain blur the brake lights in front of me while she continued to sob – for me, for him, and I guess for the future brother-in-law she'd just lost.

For a week in January, she held my hand every night while I stared at the ceiling, watching her alarm clock announce the time in a glaring sequence of oblongs: 12.10am. 2.36am. 3.30am. 5.05am. 6.16am. The second 7am hit, I got in the shower just so I could cry in peace.

My new therapist was a large woman with a kind face whose accent I couldn't decipher. She worked from a light-flooded conservatory, which seemed sensible given the dark and endless trauma she mined from people's lives. I spilled the story chaotically. "He was so sympathetic when I was on my period," I yelped. "He would practically sprint to the shop to buy me ibuprofen or tampons. Is that because he wished he was having periods?" Her response was reassuringly rational. "If he was jealous of you, it would have manifested in anger, not kindness. He was kind to you because he loved you, and didn't like seeing you in pain." I realise now that I was focusing on the trivial in order to avoid the stark truth: that the person around whom my world revolved was disappearing, and I was just stuck here, waiting for them to go.

At once gender was all around me, screaming in my face. Forms asking me if I am male, female or whether I'd prefer not to say. How many times had he dared himself to tick something other than "male"? Every time I used a public loo I wondered if he wanted to use the women's. Munroe Bergdorf was making history as the first transgender woman on the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine. Had he bought a copy? The trans flag emoji appeared every time I wrote the word "trans" on WhatsApp (142 times a day). It was at once the most shocking and casual thing in my life. I surveyed women everywhere, as if every fifth person might be trans. Then there were the subtle, bordering-on-comical triggers at every turn. The Trans by JanSport-branded backpack on the train, and an article titled "Time to transition", about city folk fleeing London for somewhere leafy. It was inescapable. On the political stage, the UK government was being rightly condemned for failing to ban conversion practices for trans people. In Ukraine, many of them were denied safe passage at the border, while in the US protesters were rallying against conservative anti-trans bills. It was a time of global reckoning, and a long overdue one at that, but selfishly I yearned for some respite.

...

I thought this was an interesting/complicated account of being the partner of someone who came out as trans. Long-read, rest of text in the link.

[grumbler]

That's a lot of words to just say "I hate trans people more than I loved the love of my life."

[Josquius]

No idea who this person is or what else they've said but as reasons for a break up go this seems a fairly good one and not automatically transphobic either.
I'm all for LGBT rights but I'm just not into men. Nought wrong with that

[garbon]

That's a lot of words to just say "I hate trans people more than I loved the love of my life."

I didn't get that at all. Did you read the full thing?

[grumbler]

That's a lot of words to just say "I hate trans people more than I loved the love of my life."

I didn't get that at all. Did you read the full thing?

I read what was posted.  Let's look at the evidence:
1.  She wanted to marry a guy, so in love with him was she.  The instant he confessed gender confusion, she dropped him and moved out.  He thought love more important than gender issues, she didn't even consider that idea for a moment.

2.  The author writes that "I was focusing on the trivial in order to avoid the stark truth: that the person around whom my world revolved was disappearing, and I was just stuck here, waiting for them to go."  No, he was not disappearing.  Just her false perception of him.

3.  Lines like "The trans flag emoji appeared every time I wrote the word "trans" on WhatsApp (142 times a day). It was at once the most shocking and casual thing in my life" don't sound empathetic at all.  She is "shocked" by the trans flag emoji.

4. She "surveyed women everywhere, as if every fifth person might be trans."  Why such a paranoid feeling, if she doesn't fear trans people?

5.  She observes that "the UK government was being rightly condemned for failing to ban conversion practices for trans people."  What should the UK government's failure to ban conversion procedures for trans people be "rightly condemned?"

None of it seems sympathetic for her former partner, or trans people in general, except perhaps the reference to "In Ukraine, many of them were denied safe passage at the border" assuming that "them" was trans people (its a pronoun without antecedent).  The rest seemed like her being shocked and dismayed to discover that trans people really existed.

[Richard Hakluyt]

I was certainly very surprised that she concluded that their relationship was over immediately; that seemed pretty cold to me.

[garbon]

So you didn't read all of it, got it. Might be issue of where it had naturally break and I didn't post rest of it.

For what it is worth, I thought the full article showed a woman who was struggling with supporting a person she loved while dealing with it blowing up the life she had planned.

[garbon]

I was certainly very surprised that she concluded that their relationship was over immediately; that seemed pretty cold to me.

She has sex with him later...

[Tamas]

I haven't read the full article, is it explained what prompted the guy/gal to transition? What was missing from his/her life that a man could not do/achieve that switching to be a woman enabled/allowed her?

That's what I remain ignorant on with gender-transitioning in general: how is it not a terribly sexist concept?

EDIT: what I mean of course, is that I am having trouble seeing the "point" to it unless you believe that certain behaviours/roles are gender-exclusive and you cannot adopt them unless you change your gender.

[Sheilbh]

So you didn't read all of it, got it. Might be issue of where it had naturally break and I didn't post rest of it.

For what it is worth, I thought the full article showed a woman who was struggling with supporting a person she loved while dealing with it blowing up the life she had planned.

Agreed. I thought it was interesting and not unsympathetic.

[The Brain]

If she's not bi or lesbian it doesn't seem cold not wanting to be with a woman.

[Josquius]

Strikes me as the opposite of transphobic really.
I recognise you as a woman so as a straight woman no more sexy time.

[grumbler]

Given that her partner did not themselves know how they identified, it seems quite anti-trans to just assign them the worst possible gender identity from the girlfriend's POV, and then use that imposed identity to justify leaving the relationship.

Remember, she had no issues with "his" gender expression until he put a name on it, and then it was "I can't tolerate you."

[Razgovory]

Maybe she couldn't tolerate indecisiveness.