Open mariages and paternity

[11B4V]

It seems incredibly selfish of the wife...First she was exposing her husband to the risk of disease. Second, possibly getting pregnant by another man opens up a bunch of complications (legal and otherwise) that are unnecessary.

This.  There's a difference between an "open relationship" and refusing to close your legs.

+1 says it all right there.

[Barrister]

It seems incredibly selfish of the wife...First she was exposing her husband to the risk of disease. Second, possibly getting pregnant by another man opens up a bunch of complications (legal and otherwise) that are unnecessary.

You know, why didn't I think of that.  I'm a married man in a monogomous relationship.  We don't use birth control, and haven't for years.

But if you're going to be in an "open" relationship, then why the hell isn't she using a condom???  That's just plain stupid.

[CountDeMoney]

Did somebody say "open marriage"?

/giggity

[dps]

It seems incredibly selfish of the wife...First she was exposing her husband to the risk of disease. Second, possibly getting pregnant by another man opens up a bunch of complications (legal and otherwise) that are unnecessary.

This.  There's a difference between an "open relationship" and refusing to close your legs.

It's more of a mind-fuck than that, as she choose to do it with his 'best-friend', maybe it wasn't intentional, but she must be aware of the impact that'll have on the mens friendship.
Then again I doubt the guy was really a best-friend' if he agree to go along with this, unless the woman is some unstopable force of nature. 

Yeah.  I don't think much of the concept of "open marriage" to begin with (no surprise), but even then, certain people should be off-limits.

[The Minsky Moment]

It's my cousin, whom I'm very close to. She was concerned about her son and needed to talk about what was going on. She's not at all pleased with the couple's relationship, and given that she makes derspiess seem like a Democrat, that's not all that surprising. "New" and "modern" ways of looking at life are not exactly her style. She knows that I'm a little bit more open-minded to these things, and she needed that balance.

So the question here is not what may be right in the abstract but what is best for this person.

The question that would pop into mind is realistically how likely is it this marriage will last and how long.  Cousin's Son may be perfectly fine with this arrangement now but may not always feel that way.  It might be relevant to know how old/mature Counsin's Son is and how experienced he is with relationships. 

As the thread makes clear, decisions he is going to make in the next year may have very significant, long-term, and irrevocable consequences for this person.  Whatever you may think about what he should do (or what you would think in his place), that may not be what is best for him.

[mongers]

It's my cousin, whom I'm very close to. She was concerned about her son and needed to talk about what was going on. She's not at all pleased with the couple's relationship, and given that she makes derspiess seem like a Democrat, that's not all that surprising. "New" and "modern" ways of looking at life are not exactly her style. She knows that I'm a little bit more open-minded to these things, and she needed that balance.

So the question here is not what may be right in the abstract but what is best for this person.

The question that would pop into mind is realistically how likely is it this marriage will last and how long.  Cousin's Son may be perfectly fine with this arrangement now but may not always feel that way.  It might be relevant to know how old/mature Counsin's Son is and how experienced he is with relationships. 

As the thread makes clear, decisions he is going to make in the next year may have very significant, long-term, and irrevocable consequences for this person.  Whatever you may think about what he should do (or what you would think in his place), that may not be what is best for him.

Yes, interesting that Languish should concentrate on certain legal technicality or at issues, whereas the larger issue is the people involve and it's effects on them. 

[Eddie Teach]

Yes, interesting that Languish should concentrate on certain legal technicality or at issues, whereas the larger issue is the people involve and it's effects on them.

Why is that interesting? We don't know the people involved and can only speculate. The legal/biological/social implications of the situation in general we can discuss with more knowledge.

[derspiess]

Did somebody say "open marriage"?

/giggity

Short people need not apply

[alfred russel]

It's my cousin, whom I'm very close to. She was concerned about her son and needed to talk about what was going on. She's not at all pleased with the couple's relationship, and given that she makes derspiess seem like a Democrat, that's not all that surprising. "New" and "modern" ways of looking at life are not exactly her style. She knows that I'm a little bit more open-minded to these things, and she needed that balance.

So the question here is not what may be right in the abstract but what is best for this person.

The question that would pop into mind is realistically how likely is it this marriage will last and how long.  Cousin's Son may be perfectly fine with this arrangement now but may not always feel that way.  It might be relevant to know how old/mature Counsin's Son is and how experienced he is with relationships. 

As the thread makes clear, decisions he is going to make in the next year may have very significant, long-term, and irrevocable consequences for this person.  Whatever you may think about what he should do (or what you would think in his place), that may not be what is best for him.

Yes, interesting that Languish should concentrate on certain legal technicality or at issues, whereas the larger issue is the people involve and it's effects on them.

To be fair, the initial question was:

Setting aside the moral issues regarding open marriages, how will this work regarding paternity if sometime down the road this marriage falls apart (and really, why would it?)?

It isn't explicitly stated, but my read is that is framed as a legal question. There are some tricky legal issues to be discussed, but with the implication that the marriage will probably fall apart at some point, the personal issues are not uncommon at all (single parent situation, custody problems, paternity doubts).

[mongers]

It isn't explicitly stated, but my read is that is framed as a legal question. There are some tricky legal issues to be discussed, but with the implication that the marriage will probably fall apart at some point, the personal issues are not uncommon at all (single parent situation, custody problems, paternity doubts).

I agree, but this being Languish we always go off topic, so why not discuss the moral or human interest angles ?

[CountDeMoney]

Did somebody say "open marriage"?

/giggity

Short people need not apply

Tonitrus can't get the low camera shots like I can.

[Martinus]

What if it was a threesome and/or the guy is into cuckolding? He may simply now be too embarrassed to admit and they are making up this story instead.

[merithyn]

I love the villification of the wife without even one of you guys asking if he's also sleeping with anyone outside the marriage, too.

I don't know the specifics, and neither does my cousin. Her son, while mostly drunk, let spill to his cousin that he and his wife have an open relationship, who promptly ran to tell his sister, who then ran to tell his mother. Included in the gossip mill was the information about the best friend.

NO ONE knows if his best friend wore a condom or not (except presumably the three of them). NO ONE knows if the son is also sleeping around (though HER best friend is coming to live with them in the next few weeks). At no time has either the son or his wife said that there's a question of who's child it is; that's all presumption on his mother's part.

Minsky, you asked good questions, all of which are pertinent. I know my cousin's son fairly well, and no, I don't think this is a good relationship for him. I don't think he's been talked into it by his wife, however. Instead, I think that the idea - in concept - appealed to them both so they went with it. The problem is that he is too tender-hearted and needs the commitment of a monogamous relationship, even if he doesn't realize it himself yet. Both he and his wife are 21, which is far too young to fully understand what they're getting into with this arrangement, and I foresee ugliness ahead.

However, one of the reasons that my cousin's kids talk to me is because I don't judge them. If they ask my advice, I offer it, but mostly, my job is to be their sounding board. They vent, complain, cry, scream, and whimper to me, and I offer them my shoulder without a lecture. That's not my place in their world, and I'm okay with that. In fact, I prefer it. My cousin is pretty hard on them (and the choices they make), and they need to know that there's one place they can go to be themselves, even if that "self" isn't maybe the best they can be. I never lecture, and I never say "I told you so" to them.

He hasn't come to me about any of this yet, but I have a feeling that he will eventually. When he does, I'll listen, offer my advice (protect your future interests, know that this has the potential to go really, really wrong, and remember that no matter what your mother says or does she loves you), and let him know that if he needs help, I'm just a phone call away.

And no, mongers, I won't judge him. That's just not my place.

[Valmy]

NO ONE knows if his best friend wore a condom or not (except presumably the three of them). NO ONE knows if the son is also sleeping around (though HER best friend is coming to live with them in the next few weeks). At no time has either the son or his wife said that there's a question of who's child it is; that's all presumption on his mother's part.

LOL wait we are taking Ms. Makes-Spicey-Look-Like-A-Democrat's views on this as gospel?  She is probably projecting her fears on this.

[merithyn]

NO ONE knows if his best friend wore a condom or not (except presumably the three of them). NO ONE knows if the son is also sleeping around (though HER best friend is coming to live with them in the next few weeks). At no time has either the son or his wife said that there's a question of who's child it is; that's all presumption on his mother's part.

LOL wait we are taking Ms. Makes-Spicey-Look-Like-A-Democrat's views on this as gospel?  She is probably projecting her fears on this.

Yep.

The projection in this thread has been priceless, especially with the assumption that the wife was the only one taking advantage of their marital agreement with nothing to indicate that this is the case. I know you guys joke about how misogynistic Languish is, and this thread shows just how much truth there is in that.