Open mariages and paternity

[merithyn]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

[merithyn]

If he signs the paternity acceptance and then vanishes, there can be problems later for the mom. She would not be able to change the kid's name or get the kid a passport without his permission.

Mom can petition to end parental rights of the dad after a certain length of time due to abandonment.

[MadImmortalMan]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

There are so many horror stories about it floating around out there. It's hard to escape it.

[Malthus]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

Ahem! 

[merithyn]

There are so many horror stories about it floating around out there. It's hard to escape it.

There are horror stories about men losing visitation rights and connections with their children, too, but it was the money you guys thought about.

[merithyn]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

Ahem! 

I stand corrected. There were one or two of you that mentioned this. Kudos to you guys.

[Barrister]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

I thought that's what you were asking about.

I never used the word "screwed" though, because the scenario seems perfectly fair to me.

[merithyn]

I thought that's what you were asking about.

I never used the word "screwed" though, because the scenario seems perfectly fair to me.

I never said one way or another. I just asked what the ramifications would be. It wasn't a test; I just didn't mention it. But the responses were... sad.

[Malthus]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

Ahem! 

I stand corrected. There were one or two of you that mentioned this. Kudos to you guys.

Heh, no problem.

I do tend to find many 'men's rights' type conversations have an edge of pettiness to them - not outright saying paying child support was some horribly unfair burden, to be shirked at all costs, but you get the impression many guys think it. 

To be fair, though, men who want parental responsibility tend on average to get a raw deal at the hands of courts. It is one of only two issues I know of where men get a substantially rawer deal than women on average (the other is primary school education). 

[viper37]

If later, they should split up and it gets ugly, if they find out that the child isn't his biological child, what happens?

What happens is he'll still be considered the father, he'll still have to pay for the kid, and that will happen even if the wife claims it's not his child and he therefore has no parental rights.

There should be a parental test done now.

[merithyn]

If later, they should split up and it gets ugly, if they find out that the child isn't his biological child, what happens?

What happens is he'll still be considered the father, he'll still have to pay for the kid, and that will happen even if the wife claims it's not his child and he therefore has no parental rights.

There should be a parental test done now.

I'm fairly sure that you're mistaken. If he pays child support, then the courts consider him the father, and he will have parental rights. What those rights will be, however, depends entirely on the judge a couple gets. (Not even the jurisdiction, but the actual judge, sadly.)

[Valmy]

I never said one way or another. I just asked what the ramifications would be. It wasn't a test; I just didn't mention it. But the responses were... sad.

Are any  of us actually divorced dads with kids?  Why would our opinions make you sad?

Of course being an amateur genealogist I immediately starting fretting about the family tree ramifications

[Barrister]

It depends Meri.  If this couple splits when the child is still an infant, the husband may well not wish to be involved in the child's life.  Being involved brings complications.  It means constant contact with the woman you no longer love.

But if I discovered Timmy wasn't my child, after almost 3 years there's no way I'd just cut him out of my life.

[viper37]

I do find it telling that every single one of you guys immediately jumped on the "he's going to get screwed by child support" bit without ever thinking "he gets to maintain contact with the child" if it goes sour.

I find that a sad commentary on the male perception of parenting post-divorce.

Paying for the kid and getting to maintain contact with the child are two different things.

There was a case in Quebec, exactly like that (save for the open marriage thing).  The guy alwasy had a doubt, but treated the kid as if it was his own.  Some years later, he asked for a paternity test.  He wasn't the father.  He kept paying for the kid, but the ex-wife said he wasn't the father so he had no right to see the kid.

He went to court, trying to stop paying for the kid and the ex-wife.  Court slammed him down, saying he had a responsibility to pay for the child's care until she turned 18 and the fact he wasn't seeing her changed nothing.

And this isn't a unique case either.  One of my employee was in the same situation.

[merithyn]

Are any  of us actually divorced dads with kids?  Why would our opinions make you sad?

Because it's a sad commentary on society?

Of course being an amateur genealogist I immediately starting fretting about the family tree ramifications

Would you do the same if a child were adopted?