Funk's Football Manager 2012 Suckstravaganza

[FunkMonk]

Yeah, I know of Bielsa's awesomeness.

Thanks for the info Larchie. I will use your information wisely. I've picked out a couple of the players you listed already.

Athletic Bilbao had the chance to take fourth but, with Javi Martínez, Ander Herrera and Fernando Llorente left out of the starting XI, they lost 2-1 at Osasuna. There was an argument in the directors' box too where the Athletic president complained about the ball boys. The reply was priceless: don't worry, they're youth teamers here so you can take them off us like you always do.

Careful with Valencia, Sevilla, Atlético, Villareal and Málaga, though. 

Yeah, I know these are quality teams. I was being deliberately obtuse. 

Also, I just realized something.



Apparently I "victimised" () 18 year old boy wonder Iker Munian in the dressing room. What does that make me now?

[FunkMonk]

We've done pretty well so far, although you must consider all the friendlies, except for perhaps the Napoli game, as gimmies.



After I discover that a couple of our players are terribly weak-willed girly men who can't handle the least bit of criticism, I try a different approach. I have a private chat with both Muniain and Mikel San Jose and attempt to soothe their fragile little psyches.



The young Spaniards approve of my purple pimp suit and giant blunt and are naturally put at ease.

In the next game we're away to Malaga. They're an up-and-coming team flush with new oil money from their Sheikh owner. They have a decent squad, fortified with some old but still dangerously good players. This will be tough.

Especially since in the 3' minute of the game Team Captain "Old Man" Gurpeggi decided to lunge two-footed into Malaga's playmaker Julio Baptista, failing to permanently injure Baptista but completely screwing us over since he's instantly awarded a red card.



Are you shitting me?? Right in front of the referee too???? Goddamn idiot...

After I'm finished cursing and gesticulating wildly on the sidelines I'm forced to change my formation and use up a sub to make up for numbers in the midfield. My brave squad responds with a show of force...



... and Llorente smashes the ball into low-earth orbit. That little white pixel in the upper right corner is the ball. 

Minutes later, Malaga scores:




We end up losing 2-0. I'm convinced we could have won that game had we played with eleven men and our usual formation. What's more, our dependable right-back, Andoni Iraola, is viciously fouled himself and appears to have some terrible malady of the hip. Out for two to three months.





Not to mention Old Man Gurpeggi is suspended for another match. I have to use a loaned Basque Frenchman in the Javi role now. Against Villarreal. Shit.



This game is going off-the-rails way too quickly. I was hoping to at least make it to the winter break.

[CountDeMoney]

Needs more soccer riots.

[FunkMonk]

WAD

[FunkMonk]

Now the eagerly anticipated game against Villarreal. We're at home so I'm hoping for a good performance from my American Male catalog models, especially since Javi Martinez is back from injury. He's still fucked up from lack of fitness but he makes the bench. My Frenchie Basque plays in the DM role.



At first the game is a little chippy, but we settle down and soon score the first goal. Herrera places a wonderful shot passed their keeper into the right corner. Their goalkeeper cries in agony while the fetal position.



Not long after that we win a free kick about 25 yards out and Susaeta walks up to take it. No pressure man. No fucking pressure.









In the second half Herrera owns Villarreal again by playing a lovely through ball to Llorente which he expertly smacks passed an extremely depressed goalkeeper.





We dominate the game and roundly dispatch the pretenders to the La Liga crown. I am proud of my kids and their handsomely boyish looks.



The fans are very impressed at the result and our display on the field and applaud our team. We rightfully take our place at third in the table, right behind Real Madrid and Barca.



Unfortunately lightning seems to hit my team repeatedly in the same spot. Our top, top striker Fernando Llorente is struck by a hamstring injury just before I was going to sub him off and he's out for a month. It's like the game was reading my mind as I was moving the mouse to press the substitution button.



Next up in the Europa League: Team Ikea.

[Warspite]

As my long running Everton game has decided to corrupt itself, I'm sticking two fingers up at my hard drive (and my productivity) by purchasing FM 12. I shall start a running AAR shortly.

[FunkMonk]

Before the game I decide to play some mind games with the opposition. I tell some media goon what I think about Helsingborg's goalkeeper, some bloke named Par Hansson. He responds:



I light a fire into some reporter's ass and brush off the rebuke. Surely this won't translate into superior play by the Swedish fish? We'll see.

The game starts and, with Team Captain Gurpeggi back in the side because his Spanish ban only applies to La Liga games, we get rolling.

Until he decides to scissor tackle Alvaro Santos:





I am despondent. Team Captain and Basque Hero Gurpeggi has been sent to the stockade in both La Liga and the Europa League. I fuck myself.

The rest of the game goes as expected: Both sides with decent chances and a goal apiece. If we had a full complement on the field I believe we would have taken all three points, but alas, my team captain swears by God that he will personally murder every player on the opposing side. While I am agreeable with this view, it screws with our game plan, and I fine him two weeks' worth of wages.



Though we only have two points from two games in the Europa league, we're still third in our group and have a good chance of making it into the next stage. Here's hoping...

Next up is a league game against our Basque cousins, Real Sociedad. Surely we won't fuck this up too?

[FunkMonk]

As my long running Everton game has decided to corrupt itself, I'm sticking two fingers up at my hard drive (and my productivity) by purchasing FM 12. I shall start a running AAR shortly.

You should manage Spurs.

[Alcibiades]

Enjoying this, thanks.   

[Josephus]

Me too

[FunkMonk]

 

Updates have slowed because of my school work, but I'll try to keep posting once or twice a week.

[FunkMonk]

Next we face Real Sociedad, number one assholes. Local rivals and all that. This oughta be fun. We pile up on the Basque-Bus and travel down the road to whatever stadium Sociedad play in. GAME ON.



The game starts off very well. We kick off and within a minute we get a goal with a nifty throughball via Ander "BALLA!!" Herrera to reserve striker Toquero, who slides it past the goalkeeper. 1 – 0 Athletic.



A little later we get a lucky deflection off a Sociedad defender and the ball bounces out to our backup right-back, some chap named Zubiaurre. I don't expect much from the boy but he puts in a decent cross and Iturrapse manages to sneak the ball into their goal.





The half continues and I notice we're getting a little too tackle-happy. While I enjoy seeing my team hack and stomp the opposition into bits of overpaid whiners who play a children's game for a living, I also like winning, and to win I need eleven players on the field.



We hold on in the second half against a deluge of chances from the other side and bag three points to take back to San Mames. Also, we're second in the league. I am happy.





After the game I learn that UEFA, in its infinite wisdom that is NEVER TO BE QUESTIONED, has banned my infamous Team Captain "Idiot" Gurpeggi for a further two European matches.



Old man Gurpeggi is disappointed but he shouldn't be surprised. UEFA, FIFA, and soccer federations in general are WONDERFUL and INFALLIBLE organizations, who do only good for the world.



The draw for the Fourth Round of the Copa del Rey is upon us now. We draw some teeny tiny team from like eight divisions below us, a club called Eibar. Any Spaniards here have any idea what this little club is all about?



Also, I'd like to note the full name of the cup tournament is Copa de su Majestad El Rey DON JUAN Carlos I.



The official anthem of the Copa del Rey

[The Larch]

The draw for the Fourth Round of the Copa del Rey is upon us now. We draw some teeny tiny team from like eight divisions below us, a club called Eibar. Any Spaniards here have any idea what this little club is all about?

They're a small team from the Basque country (hint: Scout the hell ouf of them in case they happen to have a promising youngster or two), currently in 2ªB after having spent many years in the 2nd division. Xabi Alonso and David Silva played there on loan at the beginning of their careers.

Also, the main industry at Eibar is small arms manufacturing.

[FunkMonk]

Thanks Larchies. I'll remember to scout them out.