So my Mom has gone crazy. Raz on the March!

[Tamas]

My friend's widowed mother started her first lesbian relationship after retirement. Just throwing that in the mix.

I don't know how old your sister is, but you and your dad are old enough to look after yourselves and give her space. I wouldn't confront her, she'll feel cornered, especially if she's depressed. Why not call or write saying sorry she's going through a hard time, you hope she'll explain what she's going through in her own time and when she's ready you'll offer all the love and support she needs, whatever the outcome.

This.

I hate to say this, Raz, because you know I adore you... but this isn't about you. She's trying to figure things out for herself, and with her children grown, she finally has time to do so. Cut her some slack, try to be understanding of what SHE'S going through for once instead of expecting her to drop everything for you, and show a little support for the woman who's helped you through hell and back for years.

Your mom doesn't seem like the kind of mother who deeply cares about her children.  Has she always been like this?

And at 29, yeah, you should really live your own life, not care too much about your irresponsible mother.

Wow... just wow. She's a grown woman with grown children. Her only true responsibility anymore is to herself, with her husband a close second. If at 29 and beyond her children can't fend for themselves, that's not really her problem. It doesn't mean that she doesn't "deeply care" for her children; it means she's ready to take care of herself first for a while. And she's not irresponsible to do so, either. In fact, I'd argue that she's taking responsibility for herself for once.

I'm sorry you're hurting Raz. I know this is incredibly hard for you. But seriously, you need to adjust the way you're thinking about this. It's not about you.

I agree that Raz should leave her mother alone so she can figure it out herself.

But the whole "move out without giving a clue to the family" thing seems really cruel on her part.
Finding her own way (btw, founding a family and raising children should be a result of that, not the barrier to it, ideally) is all nice, but leaving the others hanging, without a clue, is just wrong.

[grumbler]

But the whole "move out without giving a clue to the family" thing seems really cruel on her part.

Depends on the intent.  Suppose for a second that she doesn't know what she could say to them?  If she can't say anything to her family, then she isn't being cruel to not say anything.

In general, I find it more effective to restrict assumptions of malice to cases where no other assumption will work.  That's not the case here.

[garbon]

How hard is it to say: I don't know what to tell you. I'm figuring things out.

Besides, one can be cruel without intentionally meaning to be.

[merithyn]

How hard is it to say: I don't know what to tell you. I'm figuring things out.

Besides, one can be cruel without intentionally meaning to be.

According to Raz, she's done that.

[Monoriu]

Wow... just wow. She's a grown woman with grown children. Her only true responsibility anymore is to herself, with her husband a close second. If at 29 and beyond her children can't fend for themselves, that's not really her problem. It doesn't mean that she doesn't "deeply care" for her children; it means she's ready to take care of herself first for a while. And she's not irresponsible to do so, either. In fact, I'd argue that she's taking responsibility for herself for once.

I'm sorry you're hurting Raz. I know this is incredibly hard for you. But seriously, you need to adjust the way you're thinking about this. It's not about you.

I don't know if I understand Raz correctly.  My impression is that his mom's words do not match her actions.  What he wants is a straight answer.  If she has run away, fine.  She is an adult, and so are her children and all that.  But at least, have the guts to admit it.  To say that "I have run away and may or may not come back.  Suck it."

[merithyn]

I don't know if I understand Raz correctly.  My impression is that his mom's words do not match her actions.  What he wants is a straight answer.  If she has run away, fine.  She is an adult, and so are her children and all that.  But at least, have the guts to admit it.  To say that "I have run away and may or may not come back.  Suck it."

And if she doesn't have clear answers for herself? If that's exactly what she ran away to figure out?

Believe it or not, she may not have answers to give to anyone, and even if she did and she chooses not to share those yet, that's her business. Raz knows where she is. It's not as if she's fallen off the face of the earth. Hell, even I could send her a message if I wanted to on Facebook.

[Valmy]

Wow... just wow. She's a grown woman with grown children. Her only true responsibility anymore is to herself, with her husband a close second. If at 29 and beyond her children can't fend for themselves, that's not really her problem. It doesn't mean that she doesn't "deeply care" for her children; it means she's ready to take care of herself first for a while. And she's not irresponsible to do so, either. In fact, I'd argue that she's taking responsibility for herself for once.

Dropping out of school and moving away to figure stuff out while lying to your family that you are going to come home any day now doesn't sound very grown up or responsible...

I can see giving her her space and respecting she is going through tough times...but this is responsible behavior?  Really?

[Tamas]

I don't know if I understand Raz correctly.  My impression is that his mom's words do not match her actions.  What he wants is a straight answer.  If she has run away, fine.  She is an adult, and so are her children and all that.  But at least, have the guts to admit it.  To say that "I have run away and may or may not come back.  Suck it."

And if she doesn't have clear answers for herself? If that's exactly what she ran away to figure out?

Believe it or not, she may not have answers to give to anyone, and even if she did and she chooses not to share those yet, that's her business. Raz knows where she is. It's not as if she's fallen off the face of the earth. Hell, even I could send her a message if I wanted to on Facebook.

True enough but if you want Raz to act like an adult, shouldn't you expect the same from his mother?

[Neil]

And if she doesn't have clear answers for herself? If that's exactly what she ran away to figure out?

Then she should remember that she's a fucking adult.  Goddamn infants like that should be drowned on sight.  Running away to find answers?  Sounds like somebody read Eat, Pray, Love or whatever the fuck it is that Oprah tells people to read.

[KRonn]

I think Meri and Brazen show some good insight on this. I'd be inclined to go more along with what they're saying. 

[Tamas]

I think Meri and Brazen show some good insight on this. I'd be inclined to go more along with what they're saying.

Yes they are giving a valid insight on the personal part of it.

But part of being an adult is that you take responsibility for stuff. Like a family you co-founded. Even if you think its valid to just forget about the children after you are not legally obliged to shelter them, and just ignore their feelings from there on out, she still have her husband to be fair with.

[Monoriu]

I don't know if I understand Raz correctly.  My impression is that his mom's words do not match her actions.  What he wants is a straight answer.  If she has run away, fine.  She is an adult, and so are her children and all that.  But at least, have the guts to admit it.  To say that "I have run away and may or may not come back.  Suck it."

And if she doesn't have clear answers for herself? If that's exactly what she ran away to figure out?

Believe it or not, she may not have answers to give to anyone, and even if she did and she chooses not to share those yet, that's her business. Raz knows where she is. It's not as if she's fallen off the face of the earth. Hell, even I could send her a message if I wanted to on Facebook.

Then say it.  Say "I have no clue."  Not "I will come back" and then don't. 

[Razgovory]

It doesn't help that she just swiped 500 bucks from my dad's account, and now wants to file separate tax returns.  That'll cost us an additional 1,800.  She may very well cause us to lose our house.

This is what she put on her facebook

I am currently NOT a student at Metro Business College studying Medical Billing and coding.My children are grown. I was a city councilperson and was involved in political stuff for over 20 years but became a bit burned out.
I am ready to do something different and NOW I finally know what it is.

So she thinks she knows why she's doing this.  I don't think she wants to answer me because it means coming to terms with the fact that she's being irrational and selfish.  She seems to just want to be out there pretending she's a 17 year old girl or some such nonsense.

[Razgovory]

I think Meri and Brazen show some good insight on this. I'd be inclined to go more along with what they're saying.

Yes they are giving a valid insight on the personal part of it.

But part of being an adult is that you take responsibility for stuff. Like a family you co-founded. Even if you think its valid to just forget about the children after you are not legally obliged to shelter them, and just ignore their feelings from there on out, she still have her husband to be fair with.

A husband who is sick, and a son who is mentally disabled.  My old man, is not well.  In the last six years he has been in the hospital twice with life threatening illness.  Now mind you, my mom doesn't actually do much to take care of us.  Mostly should just sits on her ass and watches TV, but at least there was some kind of moral support. 

[grumbler]

How hard is it to say: I don't know what to tell you. I'm figuring things out.

In her position, i don't know.  Do you know?