My story...

[Bluebook]

So...
You guys dont know me, and this isnt really "my" forum. I cant talk about this thing over at my regular place though, since it would be too easy to identify me in real life if I did. I dont know why I want to talk about this here really, but I suppose I just need a place to talk right now.

Anyway, here is my story.

I met a girl about two years ago. Before that I had been in relationships, and I suppose I thought Id been in love before. But it had never been like this before. I fell in love with her pretty quickly, and she fell in love with me. Everything was great. She moved in with me pretty soon after that, and yada yada...you know what its like to be perfectly happy and in love. I met her family, they loved me. She met my family, they loved her. Everything was picture-perfect.

After about six months we started talking about getting our own place. Not long after that we bought a house at the edge of town, right where the forest starts. We'd take long walks in the woods each night when we came home after work, spend time with the neighbours etc. She had alot of money, being a doctor, and I had enough to get around. Just after we bought the house, I got a new job, working for the government. A very high status job, very much my dream job. Think "west wing" and translate it to Swedish conditions, and I basically have the same job as Sam Seabourne. Taking the job meant a 3 hour commute back and forth everyday, but it was worth it. Around here I proposed to the girl, and she said yes. We began planning our wedding. The date was set for August this year. (we are now around January this year). She started shopping for a dress, we found a church, made invitations etc.

Work was interesting but demanding, I spent long hours at the office, but then again, so did she. She was very successful in her career, and she was very happy for me. We saw no problem in me not coming home until 8-9 pm every night and leaving at 6am. It was worth it. Needless to say, we had less time for eachother though, but that was expected, and we thought we could live with it. I was living my dream. I had the house Id always wanted. I had the girl of my dreams. I had the perfect career. My God, I had everything I had ever dreamed about.

Around the end of January, we were planning to get kids as soon as possible after the wedding. For that reason she decided to stop taking SSRI, an anti-depressant. She had been on anti-depressants since med school. Id never seen any sad or depressed side in her, but she had been suffering from depressions in med school and started taking the SSRI back then. Now she wanted to stop taking the pill because of the coming pregnancy. Apparently it might be bad for the fetus, that is not proven though, but she wanted to be on the safe side.

Things began to change a month or so after that. She became irritated and easily annoyed. She started yelling at me for no apparent reason and generally she became more confrontational. Not that it was a huge problem though, I just thought she'd get over whatever period she was going through. Her outbursts were not that common, they didnt happen more than once or twice a month, and I thought I could handle it. At the same time my workload at the office was heavy and I spent more time there. Our time together was reduced to saying good night at night, and me kissing her before heading for the train to Stockholm and my office.

Our marriage drew closer, and the invitations went out in May. A week after that she was on a conference in another town for a week. She left monday and came home friday. Everything was great on that friday, we talked alot, agreed that we had drifted apart somewhat, but we both agreed that it would pass and that we still loved eachother etc. The saturday after that she had a 24-hour shift at the hospital. She came home on sunday morning and everything was wrong. She was very stressed, shaking, suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. She had not slept anything during the 24 hour shift, and she had been through some very stressing episodes with patients etc. Anyway, she was crying, curled up in bed, going through panic attacks, crying that she felt so bad and only wanted to die etc. It was something really frightening to watch. I tried to calm her down and just be there for her I guess. We called her sister, who is also a doctor, and they talked for hours. It was decided that she would start with the SSRI again. Her sister would come live with us for a couple of days until she felt better.

I left for work on Monday, her sister was there to make sure my fiancee was ok. When I came back that night, my fiancee wanted to talk. Sure. What about? I want to break up. What?

Basically she said that it was my fault that she had felt bad for the past months. She now felt things had reached a point and she needed to end our relationship to get out of the stress. Only after that would she get better again. I was like...uh...what? She went on about how she was stressed about the wedding, how I was the reason behind her depression and how I needed to go so she could feel good about herself again. I was like...uh...what? I asked her if she really thought this was the right time to make such a desicion...after all, she was suffering from panic attacks, anxiety, she was shaking pretty much all the time from adrenaline/stress or whatever (she had been shaking since she got home that sunday after the 24 hour shift). She maintained that I was the reason she was feeling depressed and filled with anxiety, and I needed to go. Tomorrow.

So, she threw me out.

I moved out, thinking that she would come to her senses when the SSRI-pills started working again. She avoided me for about two weeks. Cancelled the wedding. And then wanted me to come over and pick up my things. I went over there and we talked. And we talked and we talked. Basically she said that she might have made a misstake, that she did not think it was my fault that she felt that bad, that she still loved me...but..."things had gone too far now, too many things are destroyed" so she would not take me back for any reason whatsoever. I was like...wtf...

I retreated to my office. Buried myself in work. Tried not to think too much, I feared I would go insane if I did. She'd call me now and again, we would talk. I would tell her that I still loved her and would do anything for her. She'd say she still loved me and that she was devastated that things had turned out this way, saying that throwing me out was the worst misstake of her life. And I was like "I dont get it. I love you, you love me. You say it was a misstake to throw me out and end our relationship. I miss you, you miss me...why dont we give it another chance?" But she was like..."no, its gone too far now, it cannot be salvaged...I am sorry".

A couple of weeks ago, she killed herself. 29 years old. She hung herself in our house. I was the last person she talked to, she called me around 11pm and we chatted about small stuff...nothing particular. She asked me about some mail, we talked about the next week and whether we should meet for a coffee or not, we talked about my work. We hung up, she changed her status on facebook to something along the lines of "only two more weeks before my vacation" and then..sometime during the night, she hung herself. Not in a normal way either, she stood on her toes, tied herself to the stairs, and just stopped standing on her toes...when you do it like that, it takes about a minute or so to lose counciousness...during that time, you can very easily abort the suicide attempt...so she was definitively determined to do it.

So... My life went from "engaged to be married in a month" to "wtf" in the blink of an eye, and then it went to "nightmare" a couple of weeks later. I just dont get it.

[Bluebook]

And now Im sitting here, drinking.

I found my old phone today, and in it there are dozens of photos from two years ago when we had just gotten together. Lots of old text messages, including the first ones I ever got from her. I guess Im just swamped with memories right now.

[Zoupa]

Holy shit.   

That's terrible. So sorry man.

[Admiral Yi]

My goodness.

[Threviel]

That's bad, my sympathies. Panic attacks and such diseases are not something I wish upon my worst enemy.

[Scipio]

That's awful. 

[Cerr]

That's terrible. 

[Legbiter]

So in short, you're single again?







Seriously though, that's just terrible man. 

[The Brain]

 

[CountDeMoney]

 :nelson

[CountDeMoney]

Actually, I'm not  :nelson ing at you, I'm  :nelson ing the chick, who did you both favors. 

You'll realize that later on.

[Lucidor]

 

[garbon]

Wow, that's really fucking horrible.

[garbon]

Actually, I'm not  :nelson ing at you, I'm  :nelson ing the chick, who did you both favors. 

You'll realize that later on.

I was all gung ho on the "you needed to slow down, partner" bit until I got to the suicide. There really isn't much to say after that.

[Josquius]

Ouch.
I blaim depression pills. Those things fuck with people seriously.