How to say "I LUV U" in Nigeria: I'll give you H.I.V.

[Martinus]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7657314.stm

How to say I Luv U in Nigeria

By Andrew Walker
BBC News, Abuja


Femi Emmanuel wants to help tongue-tied lovers express themselves
Your mobile phone beeps, you have received a text message.
It begins: "I swear, I will make sure I give you HIV..."
But it's not an abusive threat, it's a "romantic" text message copied from a book on sale all over Nigeria that professes to give young people the words they need to court the woman or man of their dreams.
"H is for Happiness and joy forever with an I: Incomparable love that will never V: Vanish until death do us part. I love you," the message concludes.
The book, called "Touching the heart through unforgettable text messages (vol.2)" is one of several on sale in markets around the country that give suggestions to tongue-tied young lovers.
Text compulsion
Nigerians are compulsive text senders.
   

If I received something like that I would be shocked 
Janet Babalola, businesswoman
Corny "romantic" messages and jokes are constantly being sent, received and recycled.
Many men complain that women send them "hot" text messages, but all they really want is money, while women say they are pestered by men sending "romantic" texts when all their suitors really want is sex.
But the book's author, 33-year-old entrepreneur Femi Emmanuel, says he writes text messages for people who are too busy, or illiterate, to properly express what is in their hearts.
He is not married but says he sends "special" text messages to his girlfriend - original ones, not out of his books.
The sale of all four volumes has been such a success he has bought a car with the proceeds.
"People have really embraced the mobile phone here in Nigeria, but they may not be smart enough to know what to say in these kind of situations, or maybe they're too busy, running an office or whatever," he said.
'Bollywood' inspired
He gets inspiration from Indian "Bollywood" films and Mexican or Nigerian soap operas.
   
I LUV U... PLS REPLY

The following are unsolicited text messages received by one woman:
Call me, I love you
When you see d sun shine, dats me smiling at u. When d bird chirps dats me singing softly to your ear. If d clouds should release a few drops those r my tears bcos I'm missing you &when u feel d wind blow, dats my sweet breath whispering I love you. please reply
Hello my sweet luvn sugar coated choco mallow milky shaky honey dipped chiz meltin orange juicy mozzarella pepperoni spicy icy friend, how r U?
Good morning. I just woke up from a dream that I am in an aircraft and someone like you is in the cock pit. A U a pilot pls?
How I wish I cud hold u so close 2myself.. caress your feminin body during ds drizzlin. Bet u r goin to luv it hun!! Hop ur enjoyin ur sleep. I KIA!
Pls I say open the door to you heart for me to come in, I promise from dat day dat we meet till d end I will always make you smile. I really love you.reply...cheers
"I was watching a Bollywood film and the main actor said to his female lead 'hey baby, I'm a crazy lover'," Mr Emmanuel told the BBC.
"I thought 'that's good,' I paused the DVD and copied down the subtitles."
The text message threatening HIV was inspired by watching a Nigerian film.
"In the film, a man threatened a woman with giving her HIV. I thought how could I turn this acronym into a message?"
"You could send the first sentence on its own," he says.
"You are putting them in suspense, to create fear, and then you follow up with the interpretation that will give them joy and happiness."
The BBC asked people on the streets of the capital Abuja what they thought of the message.
Ferdinand Nwonye, 36, a civil servant, said he thought the message was funny.
"The person would first be scared, and then as they went through it they would start laughing," he said.
He added that the text books are mostly used by teenagers.
"I like sending romantic texts to my wife, but I think of my own, I don't need one of these books."
But not everyone sees it that way.
Businesswoman Janet Babalola, 35, says she gets romantic text messages from her husband.
"But if I got something like that I would be shocked," she says.
Mr Emmanuel, who paid for his high school education by selling newspapers at the roadside, borrowed 75,000 naira ($637; £363) from his brother to publish the first book.
He sold thousands of copies in cities all over the country.
Cheesy?
What may appear cheesy and ridiculous to western eyes may not be so creepy to Nigerians, says a well-known agony aunt.
Nana, who answers readers' questions about relationships in the Weekly Trust newspaper, says Nigerians might see the words differently to native speakers of English.
"I think this boy who wrote these texts is a bit of a poet," she says.
"A lot of us in this part of the world are translating in our heads constantly from our local languages to English."
"A lot of Nigerian languages don't have a difference between 'love' and 'like', so a lot of these messages will come across as a love proposition when what the sender really means is 'I like you'."
But the texts can also serve as "adverts" which people can use to attract attention to themselves, with seedy intent, she says.
"Many girls and boys too are out on the road looking for customers, and it is only natural that technology has made that a bit easier."
Send us your favourite romantic texts to +44 7786205085 or use the form below and a selection will be printed below and be broadcast on the BBC's Weekend Network Africa programme on Saturday 11 October at 0400 GMT and 0600 GMT.
A selection of the texts received so far:
If u think I think about u all d time, then u are wrong, cos i think about u when i miss u.... but damn it, i miss u all d time!!!
Alex O, Lagos, Nigeria
Txt 1: I'll rather be a ghost drifting silently by ur side 4 as long as it'll take 2 be wit U...than 2 walk in2 d gates of heaven...w'out knowing in ma heart in joy of luvin U.....
Txt 2: I prefer 2 hear U speak than 2 a thousand nightingale symphonies in d break of d dawn....
Txt 3: D clouds n d skies...d waters n d oceans...d sands n d earth...Me n U...
Txt 4: I'll keep on loving U until it rains in hell....
Chuzee
My eyes are jealous of my heart because it is always with u.
khwima mchizi, Zomba, Malawi
If loving you is a crime, let me be a criminal
Joy, lagos
I'M ABOUT 2 SHOT SOME ARROWS INTO UR LIVE'S.AR U READY?-->>PEACE-->>LOVE-->>FEVOR-->>LONGLIFE--FOREVER.
Emmanuel Davou Choji, jos,Nigeria
My love for you is like Diarrohea, it flows like a river.
Salan, Dubai
A good friend is like a good bra. Hard to find, comfortable, supportive, prevents you from falling, holds you tight and is always close to your heart. You'll forever be my BRA!
Olawale B, London
u r the only mosquito in my net
Patrick, London
I'm stock in Lagos traffic and I'm happy, cos I'm coming home to you!!
Chinedu, Lagos
The man that evented alfabet A,B,C,D.....Z is a genious.But he made a mistake by not puting U & I together.
jr, ghana,accra
Tea needs sugar, I need u..
Tatenda Mpofu, Kariba, Zimbabwe
My love if luving u is crime ,let me face the consequences
Soloke, Nigeria
A friend is a person who knoz the song of yo heart& can sing it back 2 u wen u 4get the words.u r my friend.
GZambika, lusaka
baby my love for you is as sweet as early morning porridge with extra sugar and freshly baked bread. I will protect your heart like the calabash that holds the porridge. I will cherish you like the rare hamattan pawpaw I have as dessert on such cold harmattan mornings. Be my porridge and I will be your bread.
KweKu B, USA
im sure ur feet must be hurting.......cos u've been running through my mind
Aisha, Lagos, Nigeria

[Slargos]

 

Those niggerians.  ;D

[Fireblade]

Martinus, I swear I will give you H.I.V..

and by that, I mean AIDS.  :angel: