The Great Raccoon War

[Malthus]

There may be hope for victory!

The battlefield: my detached double garage. In my neighborhood (built in the 1930s) every house has a garage built in the backyard - mine is a double car variety, with a loft reached by a trapdoor; I use it as a workshop and storage area (no-one these days actually puts their cars in these buildings).

A couple of days ago, I heard some scuttling noises coming from the loft - an some soft crying and yipping. I very cautiously stuck my head up the trap - it was a pair of adorable raccoon kittens. The coons had chewed through a screen on a vent window in the loft.

I hoped the mother would come and take them away again, alarmed at their discovery. No such luck. Next day, I didn't hear anything - so I again looked up through the trap (this time carrying a broom handle), and it was a good thing I took precautions - mom was there and she charged me, with a scream. I fended her off with the broom handle and beat a retreat.

What to do?

I tried looking up animal removal services. They were expensive! One wanted $90 just to show up and give a quote. Apparently the average cost is something like $500!

So I thought I might as well try getting rid of them myself.

The dilemma is this: I don't want to hurt the little kittens. I don't want to separate the kittens from mom. So I can't just wait for mom to leave and block the hole. That would be cruel. On the other hand - I can't let them stay. They will chew up the stuff I have in the loft to make their nest. They will poop and pee. I can't get my stuff while they are there, and they may attack me just for going in.

So I decided on a campaign to drive them out.

Raccoons like dark, quiet and private places to nest. I decided to go full Guantanamo Bay on them. Make the place so unpleasant, they will want to leave.

First step was to turn on the radio, and set it to a conservative talk station. Raccoons hate human voices, and angry ranting should get on their nerves.

A night of this, I stuck the broom handle up the trap - it got clawed. They were still there.

Sterner methods were necessary. I got my spotlights, two of them, and shone them up into the loft. I turned the radio up louder, and set it directly under where they were nesting.

Today, I stuck the broom handle up - nothing. Carefully stuck my head up the trap - nothing. Looks like that did the trick (next step would have been scent - rags soaked with ammonia).

So I taped some newspaper over the hole (to see if they are still coming and going) - I don't want to risk sealing the hole until I am sure they are truly gone.

We shall see. Can't declare victory until the hole is sealed for good.

[grumbler]

Use kitty litter works for a lot of animals, too.

[PDH]

I suggest a lightning attack with airborne forces to take out the leadership while your tanks and armored infantry race ahead of logistics to secure important points. 

[Malthus]

Use kitty litter works for a lot of animals, too.

If they are still around, I may try that - I have enough of the stuff!

[Josquius]

You need a coyote.

[Razgovory]

Use kitty litter works for a lot of animals, too.

If they are still around, I may try that - I have enough of the stuff!

You know... Kitty litter is not just for cats.  People can use it too.  Nobody has to know...

[HVC]

Country raccoons are cute, city raccoons are behemoths with anger issues. Best of luck in your fight, hopefully you won already.

[PDH]

I have faith in Malthus.  He has faced mosquitos the size of Dobermanns at the lake cottage, not to mention spiders wielding axes and blowtorches.  He will be alright.

[HVC]

There you go, bring dock spiders to scare off the raccoons. Using animals to eradicate other animals works great. Ask Australia:D

[grumbler]

I have faith in Malthus.  He has faced mosquitos the size of Dobermanns at the lake cottage, not to mention spiders wielding axes and blowtorches.  He will be alright.

It's the racoons I'm worried about.  What if a racoon bites him and gets rabies?

[Malthus]

Country raccoons are cute, city raccoons are behemoths with anger issues. Best of luck in your fight, hopefully you won already.

Reminds me that I've been scared two times by Raccoons - once in the country, and once in the city.

Country Raccoon: The Alien

I was camping in Algonquin park one summer. There are black bears about, so we hoisted all our perishable food up onto a tree limb. Didn't bother with our cans and stuff.

Well, in the middle of the night, we heard a banging and a thumping - my immediate thought was of bears. Grabbed the flashlight and the axe and took a look outside the tent. What I saw was a small, bright purple creature with what appeared to be a shiny metal space helmet on its head, scurrying about ... and by purple, I mean a bright neon glowing purple.

A second look, and I saw it was a purple raccoon with its head stuck in our economy sized tin of grape drink mix. It blundered about for a bit, then pushed the tin off its head, saw us, and scampered off.

What happened was this: the coon had found our tin, which we hadn't bothered to hoist, and pried the lid off. Then it feasted on the sugary powder, managing to spill it all over itself, and most of it on the ground; it must have tried to lick it off - succeeding in dying itself a radioactive purple. It then stuck its head all the way into the can to get the last bits of sugary goodness, and it's blunderings then woke us up.

City Raccoon: the Hand of Terror

This happened many years ago, when I was still living with my parents.

Late one night, I wanted a midnight snack. I went to the kitchen to make myself a peanut butter sandwich. I put the sandwich on a plate and sat at the kitchen table while I read my book (believe it or not, it was a book of Edgar Allen Poe short stories ...).

I was deep into the book, when I heard a gentle tap-tapping at the window right beside me. I looked up. Only to see a tiny, Black human hand, all shriveled and wrinkled, with long black claws instead of nails, frantically attempting to open the window!

I nearly jumped out of my skin. At the angle I was seated, I could not see what the hand was attached to. When I jumped up, I could see that it was a raccoon (and the raccoon could see me): evidently, it saw the sandwich on the table, and thought it was deserted ...

[crazy canuck]

Country raccoons are cute, city raccoons are behemoths with anger issues. Best of luck in your fight, hopefully you won already.

And he played conservative talk radio for them. They're probably organizing a freedom convoy!

[Malthus]

Country raccoons are cute, city raccoons are behemoths with anger issues. Best of luck in your fight, hopefully you won already.

And he played conservative talk radio for them. They're probably organizing a freedom convoy!

I figured they must be *left* wing Raccoons. After all, they are a single mom and family, who want free housing at the landlord's expense! 

Edit: seriously though, time to check the paper I taped to see if they are really gone ...

[Malthus]

They have gone! Victory!

[Malthus]

I managed to fit the original window back in the frame, and put a few screws in to keep it there. The hole is sealed.

Now, to clean up all the damage they did.