Here's how to talk to women wearing headphones – without being an idiot

[garbon]

Apropos of nothing.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/aug/30/heres-how-to-talk-to-a-women-wearing-headphones-without-being-an-idiot

Another week, another helpful instructive article for the modern single man. This week: "How to talk to a woman who is wearing headphones", a topic only surpassed in its brilliance by other recent gems such as: "17 killer mistakes a girl should never make on the first date" and "13 little things that can make a man fall hard for you".

The internet abounds with such guides, most of which might more accurately be re-titled "How to be a complete jackass and ruin all chance you might ever have had of a relationship", or: "How to personify every outdated gender stereotype about relationship roles in 10 easy steps".

Glamour magazine's "13 little things" counselled women to answer the door naked, wait with a cold beer when a man steps out of the shower, sit quietly by his side while he watches his favourite TV show and (my personal favourite) let him "solve your petty work problem". Excellent advice for aspiring home-help robots or faithful canines; not so much for 21st-century women who don't despise themselves or want to burn everything.

Metro's "17 killer mistakes" list included helpful tips for how not to behave on a first date, such as "There is such a thing as too much makeup", "Don't mention your parents", "Let's not have sex on the first date", and "Don't think it's sexist that we offer to pay the bill". Women were also advised not to "tell us to order what we feel like, then get a salad from the starters after we've just asked for a rump steak", a variation on the infinite and contradictory rules out there about whether a woman can or can't eat salad on a date. Thanks internet!

The latest offering – "How to talk to a woman who is wearing headphones" – advised men to attract the attention of said women using much the same approach as an alien trying to blend in without arousing suspicion.

1. Stand in front of her (with 1m to 1.5m between you).
2. Have a relaxed, easygoing smile.
3. Is she hasn't already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can't ignore it."

Swoon. Excuse me while I go take a quick cold shower.

While there may be some women out there who would be delighted at this approach and immediately request marriage, the majority (judging from the response on Twitter), might find it annoying, scary, entitled, or just downright rude. Given the amount of time women already spend fending off unwanted sexual advances, and the fact that many actively use headphones as a deliberate tactic to avoid them, an instructional piece encouraging men to invade our privacy is pretty much the last thing we need.

Yet, apparently, modern daters are in desperate need of guidance. So here's an alternative list of simple tips on how to talk to/date/generally interact with a woman without being a total idiot.

• Try to think about a woman as if she were a real-life human person. If you would find it weird to have someone wave their hand in front of your face with a fixed smile as you walk to work, the chances are she might, too.
• Don't do things to women that you would find annoying if done to you. This includes, but is not limited to, making unsolicited comments about body parts, musing aloud about fornicating with them, or shouting out ratings out of 10.
• If paying the bill on a first date is the entire basis for your masculine sense of self, get help. Consider counselling, or have a nice long chat about self-worth with a friend or colleague.
  You can't judge a woman on her weight AND get angry if she orders a salad – that's just counter-intuitive. Try to work out in advance which sexist stereotype is most important to you, and stick with it.
• Remember that judging us on whether or not we want to have sex on a first date is the absolute number one most guaranteed way to turn us on. Women just love those sexist societal double standards. Lots of sex ahead for you.
• Acceptable reasons to approach a woman with headphones in: if she's about to step into a puddle, dog poo or the path of an oncoming car. If she is on fire and has not yet realised it.
• Unacceptable reasons to approach a woman with headphones on: anything else. Don't. Stop it.
• When you find a helpful article about how to approach women wearing headphones, first check whether it is published on a website that says it can teach you: "What to say to turn a woman on and make her want to have sex with you ASAP", followed by: "This is very easy to do. You've got to try it!" Also check if said website sells a 10-hour long video called "Get your ex back: super system". Do not take advice about women from this website.

[derspiess]

  Women are not people.  They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

[Valmy]

How sexist. She did not offer one piece of advice to women.

[Martinus]

Is there any difference in this advice depending on the gender of the persons involved? 

[derspiess]

Is there any difference in this advice depending on the gender of the persons involved? 

Yes.  Women are delicate flowers and must be protected.  Anyone who says differently is teh patriarchy.

[Monoriu]

I just don't think it is possible for a stranger to talk to a woman wearing headphones.  There is no point to try. 

[derspiess]

Back in serious mode, when I worked in a cubicle having my headphones on at my desk meant I needed to focus on what I was working on and should not be interrupted unless it was an emergency.  Amazed me how few people actually got the hint.

Same goes for other situations.  When I was walking around town at lunch and had headphones on, that meant I wasn't really in the mood for small talk.  Oddly enough, the only people who seemed to respect that were homeless beggars.

[Zanza]

I just don't think it is possible for a stranger to talk to a woman wearing headphones.  There is no point to try.

I've seen it done on trains.

The guy, an elderly dude with a paunch, approached this really hot girl who had closed her eyes and listened to music with her red Beats by Dre, tapped her shoulder and said: "Tickets, please".

[Martinus]

Back in serious mode, when I worked in a cubicle having my headphones on at my desk meant I needed to focus on what I was working on and should not be interrupted unless it was an emergency.  Amazed me how few people actually got the hint.

Same goes for other situations.  When I was walking around town at lunch and had headphones on, that meant I wasn't really in the mood for small talk.  Oddly enough, the only people who seemed to respect that were homeless beggars.

Yeah. I especially hate in on planes. If I say "hello" to you and then put my headphones into my ears in a slow and deliberate way, do. not. try. to. continue. the. conversation.

[garbon]

Back in serious mode, when I worked in a cubicle having my headphones on at my desk meant I needed to focus on what I was working on and should not be interrupted unless it was an emergency.  Amazed me how few people actually got the hint.

Same goes for other situations.  When I was walking around town at lunch and had headphones on, that meant I wasn't really in the mood for small talk.  Oddly enough, the only people who seemed to respect that were homeless beggars.

You need to have a bitchy resting face. I'm always amazed how many people want to talk to my sister or my sister and I when together. On my own, basically no one fucks with me.

[Valmy]

I know the chances of you ever coming here is pretty remote garbon but everybody makes small talk to you here. Eternal and universal friendliness is our cross to bear.

[HVC]

Don't do things to women that you would find annoying if done to you.

The problem with advise like this is that most guys would be ok with a woman coming up and talking to them, headphones or not. it's the same reason idiots send dick picks. Women get offended, but the idiots who send them think it would be assume if a girl sent unsolicited nudes. Mars and Venus and what not.

[HVC]

Also, this woman sounds really angry

[CountDeMoney]

  Women are not people.  They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

And they can't even pee standing up.

[HVC]

  Women are not people.  They are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

And they can't even pee standing up.

well they can, it's just... messy.