Once Upon a Time in Suburbia

[Savonarola]

It's hard not to feel like a character in a James Thurber story when going through security.  The individual is powerless against the interminable lines and TSA agents who shout the same things over and over.  With too many people and too little table space I had put my laptop pack on top of one of my bins.  "SIR COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR BRIEFCASE OUT OF YOUR BIN."  I liked the "Sir" and "Please" parts.  They don't convey the barest amount of civility when the agent is shouting it at you from five feet away.  Such is the price of living in the modern world.  The line was extra slow since I was leaving about the same time as an AirMex flight.  The TSA agents suspiciously looked over everyone with a Mexican passport; and these were the ones trying to go back to Mexico. 

I was going to Dallas-Fort Worth for training.  I had only been to Texas only once before, when I was seven.  My uncle had married a woman from the area and I was the ring bearer in the wedding.  This was in the golden age of disco, so I wore a brown corduroy suit with a brown clip-on bow tie.  The corduroy shrieked every time I swung my arms. 

My training was in the northern suburb of Plano, and I was staying in the neighboring suburb of Frisco.  My journey there took me through the endless loops and lines of the Dallas area freeway with its tremendous stop-and-go traffic.  I was amused to see the "President George Bush Tollway;" although every place loves their favorite sons no matter how dubious their accomplishments.  There are cities named "Tecumseh" and "Pontiac" in Michigan after all.

The tollway concerned me since there were no toll booths and my rental car didn't have an automatic toll device.  One of my co-workers, Sanjay, told me that he had so many tickets that people had started coming after him.  I had asked him if it was the Texas Rangers.  Our co-worker Brian said that it was probably the Minute Men.  "We see you have too many toll fines, Sann-Jay.  Here in America we don't put up with that.  We're sending you back to Mexico."  I hope they bill the rental car company; I'd hate to have the Minute Men deport me.

On my drive I listened scanned through the radio.  I had expected a number of country stations; but I was very wrong.  The most predominant format was Spanish-language.  There was Mariachi, Spanish pop and American pop with Spanish DJs.  After that there were a number of Christian stations; there was Christian pop; inspirational, life-affirming preaching; and the not-so-inspirational sort.  One had a tagline which went "Righteousness mocked!  Evil applauded!  Gay-marriage accepted!  Could this be THE END OF TIMES?"  The preacher then went on and called Barack out for openly supporting Hamas.

Of course there was the usual things in the radio scape, rock, pop, country, NPR, classical music.  I even found a Hindi language pop station.  Yet in all that I found only one hip hop station.

That was unfortunate as Plano resembles the setting for "Office Space."  There were cookie cutter condos, corporate campuses and pre-fab downtowns loaded with chain restaurants.  All that was missing was a gangsta rap soundtrack.

We were in training because all the major rail carriers have adopted a radio with a very limited amount of channels.  In order to insure minimum interference between the carriers they've set up a radio propagation tool to help us coordinate.  We had two instructors; one looked and had the same mannerisms as Monk.  He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but teaching us.  The other sounded like Morgan Freeman; he made radio propagation analysis sound as fascinating as penguins marching.

GE was there on behalf of Amtrak.  There were a couple people from BNSF and from a local commuter line in Washington State.  There were four GE people there; myself, the aforementioned Brian, Steve and Tim.  Brian is a man of profound insight; after a recent trip to Omaha he said.  "I was amazed at all the beautiful women I saw there; I'm walking around there and thinking 'This is Omaha?'  Then it occurred to me that was an evolutionary development.  In the Midwest women who slept alone froze to death."  Steve was from Rochester, New York; he looked and acted like Zoot from "The Muppet Show" only occasionally coming back to earth to join in the conversation.  Tim was a self-proclaimed redneck from Missouri.  He said that his favorite news source was Fox News because he "Liked the truth."  I thought it was unwise to tell him that my favorite was Al Jazeera because I like perspective...

We ate our meals together.  The food turned out to be good, even at the chains.  We had asked our instructors for a recommendation for a barbecue place.  They said "Bone Daddy's" which turned out to be a breastaurant; the women wore tight apron like shirts.  They were pretty, but they had all dyed their hair either bleach blonde or roofing tar black.  Surprisingly the food was pretty good there.

One could get his picture taken with some of the waitresses.  That reminded me of when I lived in Detroit.  Some of our contractors went to Trumpp's in Windsor, Canada one night when they had a Penthouse Pet there.  A number of the contractors engaged in a similar deal and got their picture taken with her.  Those pictures were used as evidence in all three separate divorce trials.  Tim got his pictures taken with the waitresses; he was the only one of our group that was single.

The Seattle group went to Bone Daddy's that night.  One of the engineers wrote on Yelp "I don't know if it was a special night; but there were a number of pretty girls there."  Later in the evening, as he was talking to his wife, he mentioned how nice Texas was and that they should consider moving there.  "Why," she said, "So you can be near all the pretty girls."  He had made the rookie mistake of logging onto Yelp with his Facebook account.  That review disappeared quickly.

We had gone to Mi Cocina that night in "Downtown" Frisco.  That was a prefab downtown, but they managed to capture the authentic city flavor by having no place to park.  Mi Cocina is sort of a nouvelle Tex-Mex restaurant; where old standards are given vibrant new sauces.  Our waiter was Mexican, and kept rolling his r's when pronouncing the names of Mexican beers, but no other time.

Sanjay had recommended a restaurant called "Twin Peaks" so we went there the next day.  I thought that sounded like an unusual theme.  Since it had been twenty five years since the show and even that had a retro feel then and... ... was there an episode where Lara Flynn Boyle and Sherilyn Fenn strutted around in their wonder bras?

It turns out I'm behind the times again.  (Though not as bad as the time I was at the Florida Oceanographic Center.  There one of the scientists explained that they used to have a Nemo display in an aquarium, but children today are too young to remember it.  I immediately thought that was too bad since James Mason had done so well in that role; only later realizing she had meant a different Nemo.)  Twin Peaks is a breastuarant.  There are an awful lot of them in Plano and Frisco with a Hooters, a Tilted Kilt and another Twin Peaks.

We also made it to a couple steak houses.  The ones we went to took the Texas kitsch as far as they could having all sorts of Texas memorabilia on the walls, saddles on their bar stools or door handles in the shape of rifles.

We had very un-Texas in July whether with cool evenings and hard rains.  Everyone else in the class really liked Plano, I think, in part, because of that weather. It was, in any event, a relief from Florida.

When I was young I remember the Dallas-Fort Worth airport being vast and intimidating.  Today it seems run down and sad.  Security was quicker when I was in Orlando, though.  The TSA agent checking boarding passes and IDs at the gate kept talking to himself.  When he saw mine he handed it back to me muttering "I seen that in a movie."

I hope I was played by Harrison Ford.

[CountDeMoney]

I saw a 5 month old infant get a visitor's badge complete with photo yesterday.
Because the government is that stupid.

[alfred russel]

I like to travel, and generally see good in wherever I go. But Texas? Nothing good about going to Texas. (no offense to our texan posters, and I haven't been to austin) The worst place in America.

[Valmy]

I like to travel, and generally see good in wherever I go. But Texas? Nothing good about going to Texas. (no offense to our texan posters, and I haven't been to austin) The worst place in America.

Ok I was going to admit you might be right but worse than Oklahoma and Arkansas?  You take it too far sir.  Too far.

But generally yes nobody should ever move here or come here ever.  In fact if you live here please leave.  Thanks Funkmonk.

[Baron von Schtinkenbutt]

My training was in the northern suburb of Plano, and I was staying in the neighboring suburb of Frisco.  My journey there took me through the endless loops and lines of the Dallas area freeway with its tremendous stop-and-go traffic.  I was amused to see the "President George Bush Tollway;" although every place loves their favorite sons no matter how dubious their accomplishments.  There are cities named "Tecumseh" and "Pontiac" in Michigan after all.

It's named after 41, not 43.

The tollway concerned me since there were no toll booths and my rental car didn't have an automatic toll device.  One of my co-workers, Sanjay, told me that he had so many tickets that people had started coming after him.  I had asked him if it was the Texas Rangers.  Our co-worker Brian said that it was probably the Minute Men.  "We see you have too many toll fines, Sann-Jay.  Here in America we don't put up with that.  We're sending you back to Mexico."  I hope they bill the rental car company; I'd hate to have the Minute Men deport me.

Yeah, they bill the rental company.  It's really confusing to non-locals, though.  My mom drove out here for my wedding and we took the Sam Rayburn tollway in her car to DFW to send my sister home.  She never got a bill for tolls.

That was unfortunate as Plano resembles the setting for "Office Space."  There were cookie cutter condos, corporate campuses and pre-fab downtowns loaded with chain restaurants.  All that was missing was a gangsta rap soundtrack.

Plano was a setting for Office Space.  In fact, if you look carefully at the opening, you can see the signs from pre-rebuild 635 as the main character drives from 75 to the North Dallas Tollway.

We ate our meals together.  The food turned out to be good, even at the chains.  We had asked our instructors for a recommendation for a barbecue place.  They said "Bone Daddy's" which turned out to be a breastaurant; the women wore tight apron like shirts.  They were pretty, but they had all dyed their hair either bleach blonde or roofing tar black.  Surprisingly the food was pretty good there.

The food is surprisingly good.  Not where I would take out-of-town guests, though.  You should have gone to the Chuy's next door.

We had gone to Mi Cocina that night in "Downtown" Frisco.  That was a prefab downtown, but they managed to capture the authentic city flavor by having no place to park.  Mi Cocina is sort of a nouvelle Tex-Mex restaurant; where old standards are given vibrant new sauces.  Our waiter was Mexican, and kept rolling his r's when pronouncing the names of Mexican beers, but no other time.

MiCo's is a great place for drinks, but I rarely eat there.  Frisco doesn't have one, though.  You must have been at the Shops at Legacy.

We also made it to a couple steak houses.  The ones we went to took the Texas kitsch as far as they could having all sorts of Texas memorabilia on the walls, saddles on their bar stools or door handles in the shape of rifles.[/quote

Which two?  Most go overboard on the Texas kitsch but are still pretty good steakhouses.

We had very un-Texas in July whether with cool evenings and hard rains.  Everyone else in the class really liked Plano, I think, in part, because of that weather. It was, in any event, a relief from Florida.

Two years ago they would have been dying to get back.

[alfred russel]

I like to travel, and generally see good in wherever I go. But Texas? Nothing good about going to Texas. (no offense to our texan posters, and I haven't been to austin) The worst place in America.

Ok I was going to admit you might be right but worse than Oklahoma and Arkansas?  You take it too far sir.  Too far.

But generally yes nobody should ever move here or come here ever.  In fact if you live here please leave.  Thanks Funkmonk.

The Ozarks are nice. I assume. I haven't spent much time there.

I really haven't been to Oklahoma.

My problem with Texas has a lot to do with the weather. The summers are brutal. I used to go to Houston for work and it was always July/August. Man that sucked.

[Valmy]

That is why nobody lived here until Air Conditioning was invented.  This summer has actually been great, but yeah most of the time native Texans can barely go outside.

Just ask PDH about his trip down here for the 2010 Wyoming-Texas game.

[alfred russel]

That is why nobody lived here until Air Conditioning was invented.  This summer has actually been great, but yeah most of the time native Texans can barely go outside.

Just ask PDH about his trip down here for the 2010 Wyoming-Texas game.

Not being able to go outside is a pretty big drawback to a location.

It can be overcome, but there better be some sweet indoor stuff. NYC, London, Paris, etc. would still be awesome if you couldn't go outside. Texas comes up a bit short on that score (to be fair so does most of the world).

You guys do have some great Tex Mex restaurants though. And I can't rag on Texas too much--it isn't as though most people call Georgia the greatest state.

[Valmy]

Texas is ok so long as you do not come here between May and October.

[PDH]

Austin in September was awful.  I am sure Valmy's front door still has the clawmarks on it when he had to drag me outside to go to the game.  197 degrees at the stadium, but we could cool off by drinking the boiling water from the water fountains.

[Savonarola]

Which two?  Most go overboard on the Texas kitsch but are still pretty good steakhouses.

One was the Saltgrass Grill; there's one of them in Orlando, but I've never been there.  I don't remember the name of the second one, it might have been the Hacienda.  It was a Tex-Mex steakhouse with table cloths decked out like cow's hide and penny ponies out on the porch for children to ride.

[Baron von Schtinkenbutt]

La Hacienda Ranch.  I have never been in one of those.  Saltgrass is a bit overpriced, but otherwise not bad.

[Valmy]

197 degrees at the stadium, but we could cool off by drinking the boiling water from the water fountains.

Man I still feel bad about the boiling water.  Should have tested the water coming out of that fountain first

[Savonarola]

We had similar training again, but this time in Omaha Nebraska at Union Pacific's Headquarters.

Omaha is a small city; about half a million people live there.  The drive from the airport to the city center is all of four miles.  My Hertz "Neverlost" unit took me on the scenic route through neighborhoods filled with abandoned shops, dilapidated factories, run down houses and liquor stores.  It was just like being back in Detroit.

Downtown, though, is very different from Detroit.  Omaha is a surprisingly compact city, given that there's nothing but space around it.  The downtown is filled with skyscrapers.  A few blocks from that is the Old Market district, filled with galleries, cafes and shops.  I didn't expect to find Persian or Bhutanese restaurants in Omaha, but there they were.

The city is set up in an odd way; the downtown doesn't overlook the Missouri river, but is instead set on one of the side streams.  The Missouri is lined by a long green space park.  I walked down the river and then along a pond near the river side.  The pond is ringed by a trail; the area is filled with fountains and war memorials.  As I was walking I was passed by dozens of joggers.  There are so many geese in the area that the trail was an obstacle course for them.  Joggers stepped and leapt to avoid the goose shit along the path.

There's a lot of public sculpture in the city.  Near the Old Market it's funky, filled with sculpture that looks like scrap metal.  In the downtown area it's more life sized statues of pioneers and buffalo.

Past the downtown there's industrial land.  Some of that is being repurposed into artist studios and bars, but a lot of it is still abandoned.  I walked that area a bit until I came to Creighton College.  Creighton is an urban university; an oasis of tranquility in the hustle and bustle of the city.  Yet from the hill that the college is set on you can see out to farm land.  To me it seemed strange to have such an oasis when you could simply walk to the country.

Union Pacific Headquarters are a palace.  It's this giant glass and granite structure with an enormous open shaft in the middle.  Walking in you come face to face with a jumbotron that shows UP ads and the weather.  Offices are set up overlooking the atrium.  They have a huge cafeteria with half a dozen different chef stations.

UP celebrates the different cultures that make up its pool of employees (we do the same thing at GE.)  While we were there it was Asian day; some women wore traditional Chinese dress, a man exhibited Tai Chi to some soothing music and they showed India Premier League Cricket on the Jumbotron.

UP, like all railroads, takes safety seriously.  Our trainer was reading e-mail while walking; he got stopped by security and given a copy of the UP rules.  The very first thing we learned in training was where to go in case of emergency, and where to gather in case of tornado.  The UP employees told us that they had to go through anti-terrorism training; and that the building is designed to withstand a standard car bomb from both sides simultaneously (so take your Jihad somewhere besides Omaha, thank you very much.)  Also the offices in mahogany row are lined with bullet proof glass; though, the UP employees joked, that was just common sense.

Almost everyone in class was a UP employee.  Some, I suspect, had never gotten far out of Nebraska:

UP Employee #1:  What this country needs is high speed rail from Lincoln to Omaha

What surprised me the most though was when we were discussing trains.

UP Employee #2:  One day I hope to ride on a train.

Savonarola:  You've never ridden on a train?

UP Employee #1:  I've heard there are people like that here in headquarters.  Of course I've never ridden a train either, but I've been on one.

Savonarola: 

UP Employee #2:  (to another employee) You must have ridden on a bunch.

UP Employee #3:  I've ridden on one twice, but we were on them constantly when I was out in Denver.

What really made that strange is that they would use "Train" to mean locomotive.  The locomotive (or loco, if you're Mr. Hip Rail Engineer  ) is the engine, while a train is a locomotive and cars being pulled.  (Just locomotives together is called a "Consyst".)  At GE people get genuinely upset if you call a loco a train; but the UP engineers didn't even seem to know the difference.

[Tonitrus]

At GE people get genuinely upset if you call a loco a train;

Like guys in the Navy when I call their ship a boat.