A Feudal Debacle (CKII)

[Jacob]

Hey Jake, what's your opinion so far?

Really having a good time. The various characters add an rpg element which I find immensely enjoyable.

[Syt]

I think that CK2 is the best game Paradox ever released. It was awesome at release, and after two years it's still immensely enjoyable (and obviously the expansions helped to keep things fresh - it's practically CK3 at this point), and a ridiculously replayable game, because its countless moving parts (= characters) will create different outcomes every time.

Sure, there's optimal ways to play the game, and some event choices are no-brainers, but I find RPing my char (would my ambitious/wroth character really let that insult slide?) much more interesting.

[Jacob]

Two women occupying my thoughts.

My mother-in-law. She doesn't like me, her husband killed my father by throwing him into a pit of snakes and thus precipitating the doom of the English kingdoms. But she isn't bad looking for 43 years old, and she's at my court.



Hafrid is a young woman at Petty King Bagsecg's court. She is not a looker, but she may prove worthwhile.

[Norgy]

She really isn't a looker. Is that a 'stache I see?

[Jacob]

Scene: Woodlands North of Hafn, sunset. SIGURDR is talking to ARNI, his marshal, and BORKVARD his spymaster. Further off, members of the royal hunting party are dressing the game of the day.

SIGURDR: I hear you've been raiding on your own account, Arni.

ARNI: I have my lord. It has gone well too. More than 100 gold.

SIGURDR: Competent. That is good a quality. Or lucky, but that is also good.

Arni nods, smiling at Borkvard. Borkvard rolls his eyes.

SIGURDR: Call the levies. When they are assembled, we head for Jylland. I have already sent word to my brothers.

BORKVARD: It is war, then.

SIGURDR: It is. And murder. See if you get someone to stick a knife in Bagsegc's kidneys or burn him while he is in a barn or something. It would make things a lot easier.

BORKVARD: I will do what I can.

ARNI: I wish you luck.

SIGURDR stifles a smile: Borkvard, I know you would like to get married.

BORKVARD: That is true.

SIGURDR: I understand. Fucking for sport is all well and good, but a man needs a good wife by his side...

The king gazes at the Western horizon, lost in thought. The red blotches fade, and the retainers start lighting torches, one by one, to ward against the oncoming darkness.

SIGURDR: Years ago, when I visited Ribe, Bagsecg had a girl at court. Her name was Hafrid. She'll be sixteen or seventeen now, and in need of a man. She had a quality to her... it strikes me that you'd make a good match, now that she is old enough. You should speak with her.

BORKVARD: I will my lord, thank you. I will go immediately to Randers.

Borkvard leaves.

ARNI: May I ask, my lord, what quality?

SIGURDR: Like our friend, she has a kind heart...

Arni arches his eyebrow.

SIGURDR: ... and she was a great liar. You should have heard the stories she told.

[Jacob]

Borkvard, my spymaster. It is not evident from the picture, but he has a harelip. Perhaps that is why he has grown that moustache.

[Jacob]

Scene: Army camp outside the walls of Randers in Jylland, early morning. Sigurdr's followers are getting ready for another day of besieging the town, bolstered by Lithuanian mercenaries and contingents from the king's brothers - Bjorn the king of Svidjod and Halfdan the king of Jorvik.

SIGURDR is speaking to his chief captains, SORKVER and SKIRGAILA the Lithuanian as well as the leaders of the allied contingents, the mayors FRODI and HEMMING.

SKIRGAILA: The scouts say Bagsecg's army comes. Two days. Maybe 4000.

FRODI: That's about our number.

SIGURDR: What about my brother? Ivar of Sudreyjar? Are his men amongst them?

SKIRGAILA: About half.

SIGURDR: By Thor's giant red cock! May Fenris eat their entrails and shit them out in the cribs of their orphaned children!

HEMMING: That's... uh...

SIGURDR: I mean, I know that Bagsecg is his son-in-law, and that they were helping him against the Wendish bastards, but you'd think the feckless fat-faced fuckers would notice that they'd marched the length of Holstein, Slesvig, and Jylland and are facing off against all of Ivar's brothers and not a bunch Svantevit sucking Obotrites!

HEMMING: Well... Bjorn and Halfdan aren't here...

SIGURDR: That's not the point. The point is that we're going to have to butcher them in great numbers when we should be hunting and getting drunk together. We're allies, by Sif's great golden cunt!

Skirgaila looks at Sorkver, Sorkver shrugs.

SIGURDR: The goddess Sif. Thor's wife. She has golden hair. My Sif is brown, in case you didn't notice. But enough about women and gods. We have a battle to fight...

...

Scene: Evening a day hence, in Sigurdr's tent. SIGURDR, cup in hand, and BORKVARD are talking.

SIGURDR: Bagsecg still lives.

BORKVARD: True, my lord. It has only been a fortnight.

SIGURDR: Fair enough. Though it may be moot in a few days. The issue will be settled on the field, with the Valkyries bearing witness.

BORKVARD: Hafrid agreed to aid us against Bagsecg.

SIGURDR: Good. If we lose tomorrow, I still want him dead. Did you bed her?

BORKVARD: ... no.

SIGURDR: Oh? Why not?

BORKVARD: There wasn't enough time...

SIGURDR: I will not make the obvious jest here. I assume you were working hard on my behalf.

BORKVARD: Indeed. I returned to Ringsted afterwards. I have word from Sif. She is with child.

SIGURDR: Another reason to win tomorrow.

Sigurdrd empties his cup.

[Ed Anger]

She really isn't a looker. Is that a 'stache I see?

Looks like Dana Carvey as the Church Lady.

[Jacob]

She really isn't a looker. Is that a 'stache I see?

Looks like Dana Carvey as the Church Lady.

Yeah, initially I was all "you help me murder the fucker, and I'll make you concubine #2"... but then I had a look at her, and I thought she was better suited for the harelipped spymaster.

[Jacob]

We won.

There were two battles. We ran Bacsecg out of Jylland, and caught him again in Slesvig. He yielded, and is now holds Holstein as my vassal. I have not called off the plot against him.

To my surprise, I also took over Bacsecg's English realm. I did not expect that. I now rule ten counties in England, as many as I do in the Norse realms; nine in Denmark, one in Sweden.

I still haven't decided what to do with my wife. I don't want to keep her locked up forever.

There are many possible roads to take... I could work on England. In fact, I could usurp the title to the petty kingdom of Jorvik, but that would be unfaithful against the brother who helped me gain Denmark.

The options before me are to start in on Norway to lay the foundations for a Scandinavian empire.

I could attack either of the Frankish Kingdoms, aiming to wrest control of Norse sacred sites and reform the Norse faith. There is a Norse sacred site in Norway as well.

Or I could take steps to enlarge my new realm in England, and perhaps one day claim that crown.

But first I need money. There are two titles I can create - the Duchy of Mercia (180 gold) and the Kingdom of Denmark (380 gold). A divorce will cost me 33 gold. I wouldn't mind raising a runestone either (100 gold) and hold a great blot (50 gold, though I still don't want to sacrifice Knud's mother). It wouldn't be amiss to have a few hundred gold in reserve to hire mercenaries, if something goes askew somewhere, and I'd like to start a retinue too. Right now, I have 78 gold, and about 500 mercenaries still on my payroll.

... and I do need at least one more concubine or a new wife. This one-woman-only thing is wearing me down.

Denmark is mine. You can see Bacsecg's scattered forces, though most of them are my brother's vassals. In the North, you can see the army of another brother trying to unify Sweden:


And here you can see the ten English counties I now hold. I wonder what will come of that:

[jimmy olsen]

Reform the faith!

[Ed Anger]

Blot the living hell out of them. Plus you'll get a short term boost on vassal opinion.

[Jacob]

Okay, can anyone explain to me how one of my core counties (Skane), part of my own duchy in fact, suddenly is the Jarldom of Holland and party of the Kingdom of Lotharingia?

It looks like my vassal went off and conquered some bits of Lotharingia and became their vassal that way, taking my county with him...

... is that something that happens commonly, is that something that can be prevented, and is there a way to get it back without fighting a war with Lotharingia over the one measly county?

[jimmy olsen]

You're still a Duke right?

If a vassal manages to become equal in status to their lord through conquest, inheritance or is awarded the rank by a king/emperor, then he is independent of you. A duke can't by the vassal of another duke.

[Jacob]

You're still a Duke right?

If a vassal manages to become equal in status to their lord through conquest, inheritance or is awarded the rank by a king/emperor, then he is independent of you. A duke can't by the vassal of another duke.

Nope, I'm King of Denmark... though I suppose it might have happened before that, and I didn't notice... though, is a "petty King" the same as a duke?