Valmy's waste of valuable time AAR thread

[Eddie Teach]

I'm almost tempted to get this game now.

[grumbler]

Torah! Torah! Torah!

damn!  I wish I'd said that.

[CountDeMoney]

Torah! Torah! Torah!

damn!  I wish I'd said that.

No kidding.  Gotta save that one for this year's Ra Sha Na Na.

[fhdz]

 

[Valmy]

Continuing the long sad story of Turko-Israel.

Ok so first let's have a look at the religious situation:



And to make it worse shortly after this Jews in the capital province of Itil convert to the Karaite heresy.  I moved my 30 learning Rabbi there to convert them from one type of Jew to another type of Jew.  Percent chance of success: 4.5% annually.  Oh for fuck sake.

Khan Dawid leads his armies in smashing the Kirghiz but the effort was clearly too much for an old dude and died right at his moment of triumph.  His brother Isaac, ruler of a bunch of Finns in Burtasy on the Volga, takes over as Khan Isaac II.  He is anointed King of all Turko-Israel and finishes up the war in the east.  And naturally the Armenians waaaaaaay on the other side of kingdom rise up in revolt being the idolatrous polytheistic blood drinking traitorous bastards that they are.  It took over a year but he rode over to Armenia and met them in glorious battle only to have his skull cracked in battle.



During the brief regency period under Khan Dawid's son Kamaj, the horrendously bad decision was made to attempt to take advantage of the chaos in Bulgaria to retake the Crimea.  I am not sure what foolish advisors had Kamaj's ear on that one but we soon found out that the reason for the civil war in Bulgaria was that a Byzantine backed Greek Orthodox family were taking over so when the Khazars attacked the Byzantines joined in and it was soon evident disaster would follow.  Fortunately the regency period ended with the unconscious Isaac II's death



Isaac and Dawid's brother Suleiman, the brutally cruel count of Abkhazia, became Khan.  And about five seconds after being anointed he surrendered to the Bulgarians.  That mistake cost the Khazars hundreds of gold but fortunately few soldiers.  Yeah going west is just bad news.  So back east he goes to finish the Cumans.



You may notice that a few counties have broken off from the Perm kingdom but attempts to take them were quickly proven impossible due to...whatever black magic makes all your soldiers die in idolatrous lands.  Suleiman leads his people for several more years torturing and killing rebels and starts to focus south on Persia.  The Mahdi is doing very well and chaos is reigning as the established Persian kingdoms try to respond.  Suleiman responds, between endless rebellion crushing, by conquering a few breakaway counties in Dihistan and starts eyeing the Samanids.  He also started thinking about attacking the weakened Abbasids until very bad news reached him that:



the Abbasids had converted to Shia.  No idea who the Sunni Caliph is now but once again Hashem is seriously fucking with...er....testing our faith here.  Attacking either the Mahdi or the Abbasids in a Holy War would be suicide, or at least way too risky to try.

Fortunately the Samanids are still Sunni's, thus vulnerable.  Suleiman launches a major war against them to capture Khiva and the area to the south of the Aral sea.  Things are going ok until there is yet another revolt plus:



Great.  Suleiman beats the Samanids, crushes the rebels, and then turns west:



See this:



And promptly surrenders Armenia to the vile flesh eating Emperor of the Eastern Idolatrous Goyim.

Here is the situation in Cheshvan of 4717 (aka October 956)



The Christians are mighty, the Mahdi-Abbasid alliance is mighty, and the Russians and Finns are protected by black attrition causing magic.  So...nobody to attack but the Sunnis.  Suleiman the Cruel is preparing to do just that...well actually already has if you look at that screenshot closely.

[Valmy]

So in order to take this singular province in Persia a gigantic war was started and a very high price indeed was paid for that one stinking province.  It was also not the only way Suleiman did not live up to the wisdom of his namesake Solomon.

Shortly after the Khazars gather to defeat the Persians and their allies the Samanids the Bulgarians (or the Tauricans or whatever) invade again.



The Khazars, with might fortified by matzo, crush the Persian alliance and turn west just in time for the Mahdi to invade attempting to take Khiva and the provinces south of the Aral sea.  So the Khazars ride south to meet them, and Suleiman creates a mercenary army to fight the Bulgarians.  Unfortunately the Mahdi was attacking on two fronts and both the main Khazar army and the mercenary army meet major Mahdi forces and are defeated in the same week.  The mercenary army is disbanded and what is left of Suleiman's retinues retreat and a new levy is called up.  The Khazars surrender to the Mahdi and while waiting for a reply a son named Isaac is born to Queen Ipek:



What?  Some sort of demon child?  How absurd Jews don't believe in that stuff right?  We'll just ask the Rabbi:



See?  Total nonsense the Torah knows all.  I am sure nothing bad will come of this.  Sure it is a little weird some Jewish woman from far to the west with the bizarre name of Héloïse (is Peter Abélard coming to?) just shows up to be his nanny, but whatever Jews do not believe in demons.  Strange dreams start tormenting Suleiman's eldest son Alp



Probably just a coincidence.  Not even sure why demons would want to kill his eldest son anyway, he is like 20th in line to Khan.  Anyway lalalalala nothing happening here.

Anyway back to the war.  While the new army is forming the Samanids re-enter the war to drive the Khazars out of Dihistan and a major Cuman liberation army forms in both the western and eastern ends of the kingdom.  Great.  The Bulgarian army is nowhere to be seen when a new mercenary army arrives in Cherson so they take back everything the Bulgarians had taken and then ride east to fight the Cuman rebels.  The main Khazar army sees about 5,000 Samanids heading for Dihistan and decides to ride west to link up with the mercenary army.  On the way Khan Suleiman the Cruel dies, obviously worn out by this endless and bloody war and having not-demonic-and-totally-normal sons.



Suleiman was the last of the sons of Manasseh II to be Khan of the Khazars.  Manasseh III, who succeeds him, is the second son of Khan Dawid and the ruler of Turgay in Cumania.  He is anointed on the 27th of Adar 4721.  With the defeat of the western rebels Manasseh III gathers the army and rides back to meet the Bulgarians in battle in Cherson:



VICTORY!!!11  Bulgaria calls it quits after that.  Just two massive enemy armies left.

Manasseh III rides all the way east and defeats the other huge 5,000 man Cuman Rebel army and while that battle is going on Suleiman's eldest son Alp mysteriously dies:



Huh.  For no particular reason Manasseh III sends Isaac to be educated at one of his cousin's courts and the strange woman Héloïse goes with him.  I am sure nothing more will ever happen with this.

Following the defeat of the Cumans, the final battle is fought in Dihistan against the Samanids:



After the Samanid army is destroyed it is just a matter of taking back Khazar baronies until the Samanids give up.  The joy of the victory is too much for Manasseh III unfortunately.



He dies and is succeeded by his younger brother Kamaj ruler of Syr Darya on the Aral Sea.  You might remember him from his blundering antics as regent for Isaac II way back before Suleiman became Khan.  Now he is elderly and unfirm and his reign is probably not going to be much longer than his time as regent.  He was anointed on the 25th of Nisan 4726.

Shortly after that the Samanids gave up and the 10 year long war was over.  One province was gained, four were lost, three major revolts were defeated, and the Bulgarians, Persians, and Samanids were all defeated.

Behold the situation:



Obviously the Samanids, the Saffarids, and the Persians are the applies to be plucked with the Mahdi as the main nemesis.  And of course we have hordes about to invade.  There is a certain inevitability of my doom that makes this interesting.  I am certainly feeling the pressure as well, time is of the essence.  Just as the that long war is over I am getting ready to attack the Samanids again.

[jimmy olsen]

Actually, you're in way less trouble than you think! 


AI Byzantium is doing quite well by the way.

[Viking]

Actually, you're in way less trouble than you think! 


AI Byzantium is doing quite well by the way.

Given that he's not actually khan of the khazars but a person playing a video game?

[jimmy olsen]

Actually, you're in way less trouble than you think! 


AI Byzantium is doing quite well by the way.

Given that he's not actually khan of the khazars but a person playing a video game?

I meant his position in the video game! 

[Eddie Teach]

Given that he's not actually khan of the khazars but a person playing a video game?

I dunno, getting locked in a padded room yourself is probably worse than your great-great-grandchildren getting overrun by Mongols.

[Valmy]

Rabbi Tabghaç: "As our sages of blessed memory tell us, to be a Jew is about taking actions.  We are commanded to perform the mitzvot to show that we honor Hashem and his Torah.  We are commanded to wait for the melekh mashiach, may he come quickly, but how are we to recognize him?  By the deeds he performs which fulfill the prophets.  By his actions.  And as commanded by the Holy One, blessed be he, our anointed King Kamaj has been warring against the enemies of Israel.  By this he honors Israel and pleases Elohim.  But there are other mitzvot my King.  Are we not commanded to rest on Shabbat?  Are we not commanded to rest our soil during the sabbatical year?  The warriors of Khazaria need to rest and rejuvenate.  The fertile people of this land need to produce more fruit in the form of warriors to fight for Hashem and his Torah."



Khan Kamaj: "There is wisdom in what you say Rabbi.  This land is weary.  Its people are weary.  Maybe it is time for the next generation of fruit to ripen.  What other teaching can you tell me from the Tanakh and the wise sayings of our sages?"

Rabbi Tabghaç: "David and Jonathan were definitely gay."

Khan Kamaj: "I KNEW IT"

And thus did Khan Kamaj decide to wimp out on his attack on the Samanids...er...obey the will of Hashem and the homoerotic House of David.  The long ten year war for that one stinking Persian province had led to grumbling amongst the nobles of Khazaria and plots and schemes behind every corner to perhaps get the Turks of Khazaria back to their traditional goals of sheep herding and raiding people and taking their stuff and less on delusions of messianic glory.  For instance here is the list of factions, page 1 of 3:



Traitorous scum.  To say Khan Kamaj had questionable popularity would be as great an understatement as to say Sampson had questionable taste in women or that Israel had a questionable diplomatic strategy when confronting the Assyrian Empire.  In any case the wisdom of the Khans decision was soon proven when the Eastern Roman Empire attacked once more.  Hoping to emulate the Maccabees driving off a seemingly invincible army of Greeks, Kamaj called the warriors of Khazaria together.  But the aging Khan did not have it in him:



Kisa was made Khan on the 25th of Nisan in 4727.  Kisa was an unlanded noble who had been serving as Marshall of Burtasy.  But from Kislev 4682 (December 921) until Nisan 4714 (April 954) he had been the ruler of Albania in Armenia, which is not confusing at all.  He had lost his lands due to the same Emperor, Eusebios the Magnificent.  But despite this, or because of this, there would be no repeat of the Maccabees.  As Kisa said, Hashem rewarded Maccabeus for fighting for Israel not Abkhazia.  Indeed only the insane would fight a war for Abkhazia.  Besides by the time the Khazars had gathered the war was already a fait accompli.



Seeing the weakness of the new Khan, the Bulgarians eagerly invaded once again trying to reclaim Cherson.  Bulgarians are clearly a slow learning breed.  The Khazars already have most of their troops gathered so Kisa calls in two mercenary troops and it is off to the Crimea.  At the head of his men Kisa took his 11,000 man army and smashed into the Bulgarian army of almost equal size.  The Bulgarians were destroyed and Kisa invaded the Crimea only for yet another massive revolt break out on the other end of the Kingdom.  As he thought about whether to fight for Bulgarian money or to let them off the hook to defeat the rebels an amazing miracle occurred:



OMY!  Miraculously the Karaite heresy has been stomped out in Itil!  Whew one less religious burden...or so we thought.  Seeing a narrow disaster averted Kisa decided to avert a second and made white peace with Bulgaria and went about crushing the rebels.  Kisa then decided to follow the wise advice of Rabbi Tabghaç and cool his heels.  Kisa spent the next few years laying around and eating mutton...and...erm...whatever else it is steppe Turks eat and collecting tax money for mercenaries to be ready for the next war.  The goal before war would be declared again was 1,000 gold in CK2 currency which is probably about a 1,000,000 Talents or something.  Because of this Kisa became known as Kisa 'the Fat' at least publicly.  In the halls of treason and faction, which now consumed almost everybody in the Kingdom, he was known as Kisa 'the obese and lazy tax farming douchebag'.  But what do you expect when 'the Fat' is the polite version?  Anyway cousin Isaac 'the voice of Satan' takes out another Bulanid:



And another cousin, Itakh, Kisa's former liege in Burtasy led the Khazars and the Turkomens in revolt against the lazy tax farming tyrant:



Even though the Cuman provinces are mostly worthless the rebels made one vital mistake and left the Khan in full control of Itil, the kingdom's heart, but also in possession of huge amounts of gold.  Itakh would be spending much of the war trying to reignite Karaite insurrection in Itil and would eventually be successful but Kisa's Itil horde plus his mercenaries were able to time and time again defeat Itakh's armies before they could gather together.  One has to wonder what Itakh's ultimate game was since, as Kisa heir, he had a lot to lose from the success of his own insurrection to limit the power of the Khanate.

During the height of the revolt Isaac 'the voice of Satan' starts gathering men around him to take the Khanate by force.  Finally having enough of this craziness Kisa captures and has Isaac put to death.  And thus ends the story of the crazy Demon Bulanid.  Pity I thought something more spectacular would happen.  Maybe Isaac will return someday and kill us all who knows?



Anticlimax thy name is Isaac.  But Abraham might have thought something similar.  Anyway once the revolt broke out in Itil Kisa had to end the war against Itakh without any serious repercussions on the traitors.



As usual there is no justice in this world.  Or is there?  A miracle then occurs:



The horde appears and attacks...THE MAHDI!  PRAISE HASHEM!  Not sure what happened to those people garbon mentioned, I have not bought Rajas of India yet so maybe that makes a difference here though I thought the only difference was I could not play Indians.

Hashem has delivered by striking down the prime foe of his people.  It is time for the Khazars to end their sabbatical and be called to action once more.
Here is the situation as Kisa 'the Fat' readies his strategy.  With the Shi'ites in retreat the door to the Promised Land will be open a short time:



The weak Persian Shah controls Gilan and Oromeih.  Capturing those cities would put the Khazars beside the weak Shi'ite Emir of Baghdad.  Capturing Baghdad would open the road to Syria and Damascus.  And from that point on anything is possible.  But first things first.  War on Persia is declared and the levies are mobilized and win easily.



And now speed is essential.  The Seljuks are ascendant, the Shi'ites are collapsing.  Kisa is in Gilan with his retinues, a mercenary army is riding to join him to storm in Baghdad and hopefully he shall soon be on the road to Damascus on his donkey...or maybe many donkeys for his royal fatness.

Behold the situation:

[jimmy olsen]

You've doomed yourself!

While it is possible for him to phase through iron bars and escape prison, as well as regenerate eyes and maimed limbs he can't come back from the dead.

Once he inherited the Kingdom he'd proclaim himself the Antichrist (at least if he was Christian, not sure what a Jew would) and be able to call on the Devil himself for reinforcements. Three legendary pagan witches, Circe of Greece, Morganna of Wales and Jezebal of the Levant each leading five hundred knights, heavy infantrymen and longbowmen would have come to his aid!

[garbon]

Not sure what happened to those people garbon mentioned, I have not bought Rajas of India yet so maybe that makes a difference here though I thought the only difference was I could not play Indians.

Yeah, I don't know. Of course Mongols still haven't shown up in my game (we had rumors and the rulers were seeded but hordes never invaded) and per my admittedly not talented reading of event files - looks like it is now too late for them to appear.

edit: Just looked and Ghaznavids can invade as late as 1010 (or at least event that spawns Ghaznavid leader can fire as let as then).

[Valmy]

Ah well hopefully they will attack the Seljuks.  BTW thanks Tim and garbon it is always nice to know people are still reading 

[Sheilbh]

I'm reading. Silently.