Open mariages and paternity

[Barrister]

He's right, though. I've noticed with my nieces and nephews that the ones who can talk are WAY more interesting than the newborns.

Yeah, the part I thought was entirely warped was the notion that unless one has a biological connection it is "pretty damn hard to form much of a connection" with that baby.

That is fucking retarded as any parent of an adopted baby will tell you.

I dunno about that - I've read memoirs of people who adopted babies and their initial reaction, once the excitement wore away, was "uh oh, I've got this little thing that does nothing but eat and sleep, and I'm not sure I love it.  Have I made a terrible mistake?"

Children, like marriage, is something we've mythologized so much that we never admit the truth - both are hard work with lots of moments of doubt.

[merithyn]

I dunno about that - I've read memoirs of people who adopted babies and their initial reaction, once the excitement wore away, was "uh oh, I've got this little thing that does nothing but eat and sleep, and I'm not sure I love it.  Have I made a terrible mistake?"

Children, like marriage, is something we've mythologized so much that we never admit the truth - both are hard work with lots of moments of doubt.

I've known biological parents who feel that way when the baby comes. It's natural, but never spoken of because people are afraid that they're bad parents if they don't instantly love their child.

[derspiess]

The biological connection was very strong for me from day 1.  It's only now when I survey the damage my 2 year old and 5 year old do to a clean orderly house that I shake my head and ask myself why I had kids

The biological connection is a huge factor for me, to the point where I wonder how good of an adoptive parent I'd be.  It's not that I'd be negligent, just that I'd probably have to fake it a bit and pretend not to favor my biological kids.

Semi-related, I definitely see a big difference in how my wife, I, and most people we know act towards nieces & nephews that are and are not blood relations.

[crazy canuck]

I dunno about that - I've read memoirs of people who adopted babies and their initial reaction, once the excitement wore away, was "uh oh, I've got this little thing that does nothing but eat and sleep, and I'm not sure I love it.  Have I made a terrible mistake?"

That can happen with any parent regardless of whether there is a biological bond of some sort.  We are hard wired to find babies adorable.  That is how they survive and we survive as a species.  It is ridiculous to suppose that there must be a biological connection before that occurs.

[Barrister]

Semi-related, I definitely see a big difference in how my wife, I, and most people we know act towards nieces & nephews that are and are not blood relations.

I don't find that at all.

[crazy canuck]

The biological connection is a huge factor for me, to the point where I wonder how good of an adoptive parent I'd be.  It's not that I'd be negligent, just that I'd probably have to fake it a bit and pretend not to favor my biological kids.

And if you learned that the kids were not actually yours would you suddenly rethink the strong connection you had?  It wasnt a biological link you felt.  It was the fact that they were babies in your care that created the bond.

[derspiess]

That can happen with any parent regardless of whether there is a biological bond of some sort.  We are hard wired to find babies adorable.  That is how they survive and we survive as a species.  It is ridiculous to suppose that there must be a biological connection before that occurs.

Maybe I'm an outlier, but I've never had a particular affinity for babies outside of my brother's kids and my own when they were babies.

[derspiess]

The biological connection is a huge factor for me, to the point where I wonder how good of an adoptive parent I'd be.  It's not that I'd be negligent, just that I'd probably have to fake it a bit and pretend not to favor my biological kids.

And if you learned that the kids were not actually yours would you suddenly rethink the strong connection you had?  It wasnt a biological link you felt.  It was the fact that they were babies in your care that created the bond.

It'd be tough.  Thankfully as I mentioned they look so much like me that it's not too likely.

[crazy canuck]

The biological connection is a huge factor for me, to the point where I wonder how good of an adoptive parent I'd be.  It's not that I'd be negligent, just that I'd probably have to fake it a bit and pretend not to favor my biological kids.

And if you learned that the kids were not actually yours would you suddenly rethink the strong connection you had?  It wasnt a biological link you felt.  It was the fact that they were babies in your care that created the bond.

Thankfully as I mentioned they look so much like me that it's not too likely.

Famous last words of a lot of dads who thought they were also the biological dad 

[Malthus]

Having had my own baby, I now like all babies more than I ever did before.

[derspiess]

Famous last words of a lot of dads who thought they were also the biological dad 

If you saw pictures you'd be convinced.

[crazy canuck]

Famous last words of a lot of dads who thought they were also the biological dad 

If you saw pictures you'd be convinced.

Just so long as you are convinced.  I am a bit concerned about what would happen to the kids if anything undermined your confidence in being the biological father.

[Barrister]

Having had my own baby, I now like all babies more than I ever did before.

This is true. In particular since I know I can hold them then hand them off to their parents to do all the hard work.

[merithyn]

Having had my own baby, I now like all babies more than I ever did before.

Yeah, the same happened to me. As I said, when my first two were born, I didn't immediately fall in love, and I was convinced something was horribly wrong with me. I'd thought babies were kind of cute, but my goodness these two were ... a handful. Then they got sick and suddenly, my world was turned upside down.

Now, every baby I see I risk losing my heart to. Hell, every small child, for that matter.

[Maximus]

To be fair, I think most of us were approaching the question from the standpoint of wanting to protect our friend's kin, who happens to be the guy in the relationship. We can only see the situation through Meri's eyes, and that seems to be the most likely interest she's got in the game, assuming she takes any interest at all.

You don't know her very well if you think that's the most likely interest she has in the game.