Question of the sexes

[MadImmortalMan]

Not trolling Meri, I promise.   

So, I'm having a conversation with my wife the other day. I got a little sappy and confessed I had been feeling a bit weak and depressed recently, and that I thought this was a time that I'd need her support more than usual. The result was...a bit withdrawn. It was like, yeah sure, but I got the impression that she really didn't want to be there. Like me being weak was a thing she really did not want to know.

I could more or less watch the vagina dry up as I was saying those words. It's like I tossed the most unsexy thing ever at her and she recoiled.

My question is this: Do women require their men to be strong or at least faking it? Is this the origin of the "men don't share their feelings" thing? Like if we do, we'll get punished for it in the sexual attraction department?

I'm sure that reaction was not intentional on her part, but I am a tuned-in kind of guy and I saw it anyway.

[merithyn]

I can't answer for your wife, but my response when a man says that to me is to immediately want to take care of him. It certainly doesn't diminish him or make him less manly in my eyes. If anything, it shows him to be someone to admire more. Anyone can be stoic, but it takes a certain amount of inner strength to admit that you need a hand.

You'd have to ask Max what impression I give to him, though, as I really don't know how he interprets my reaction when he struggles with something emotional. I think I'm being supportive, but maybe he reads it differently.

Have you talked to her about her reaction since this occurred?

[MadImmortalMan]

Have you talked to her about her reaction since this occurred?

Normally, I'm extremely stoic, as you said. This is a rare thing. No, I have not discussed it since then with her, since I'm not quite sure what I should do here. I don't really know if it's better to discuss it or just never mention it again.

I am a strong guy, and I can handle most anything that comes along. It's just anyone will eventually need help. She's always been there for me before, but does the actual act of admitting it to her verbally make a difference?

I most definitely did not get the impression that the response was to want to take care of me. Other times in the past, that has been the case, but not here.

[Tonitrus]

Those cases in the past...did she sense it herself and react accordingly, or did you verbalize then as well.  (my theory ing that maybe she just doesn't like it being declared in such a way)

[MadImmortalMan]

Those cases in the past...did she sense it herself and react accordingly, or did you verbalize then as well.  (my theory ing that maybe she just doesn't like it being declared in such a way)

Yes, she sensed it herself. Like the time I was held up at gunpoint in the drive-thru, and when my dad died. It may be the part about my admitting weakness that shuts her off. Good observation.

[Ideologue]

You could flip the question and ask why she didn't feel the need to fake being supportive.

To answer the original question, I try to no longer share my feelings with people I know in real life.  It's pretty pointless and usually counterproductive.  I'd like to think that a woman wouldn't treat me like a dick if I did, though, but I'm not that optimistic about humans.

[Viking]

Not to be a dick, but is your EQ up to scratch? You talk about impressions, are you sure you were understanding them correctly? Being a strong silent stoic type myself I can speak from experience here and I usually I have no inkling of what other people are thinking. Not being used to emoting I have trouble understanding others doing so.

However, if this is the case and you ask for help and she can give it (or at least try) without cost to herself then I'd reconsider the whole relationship. You were basically asking her to hold you, tell you that she loves you and everything was going to be all right; the mommy thing.

[MadImmortalMan]

Yeah, Vikes you basically got the crux of my query in hand there.


Okay, so following the bleeding obvious question of have you asked her..

(Which I should have done first). I asked her.

Answer was that essentially, she responded much as I would have, the two of us having similar personality types. She said she was supportive though she didn't know what to say to express it. This, I believe.

On the other hand, I also think that it wasn't necessarily the correct move to bare everything. We've been married nearly 15 years. This was not an -OMG MIM is so sensitive I want to bone him- moment. It was more of a -MIM is sensitive and I put up with that even though it turns me off- sort of thing. She said she's been trying to think of ways to help me out ever since. She seems to genuinely want to support me however she can. I've always been the strong one here.

I don't mind being vulnerable, but I don't want to wreck the magic by going too far and abandoning my manhood. I think maybe there is a level of mystery that must be maintained for the sake of romance, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it. It depends on the girl, obviously. That I'm still figuring this out says I got married way too early in life and lucked the fuck out. 

Don't interpret this as anything serious that my relationship hinges on. It's not that big a deal. I just thought I should probably fine-tune my mojo a bit. I'm overthinking.

[MadImmortalMan]

Just to inform the situation and why I think the way I do...

When I was a junior in high school, I dated a girl whose father was a minister. At one point, he had a nervous breakdown, and confessed this to his wife and congregation. It was the ultimate expression of weakness and vulnerability. His wife made a brave showing of support for him, but later it was discovered that she had been cheating on him. I genuinely believe that the two things went together.

I'm nowhere close to that, but I don't want to get any closer to it either.

[Legbiter]

Stop trolling Meri MiM. 

Hot chicks despise and recoil from a herbivorous male simp, whatever they may proclaim to the contrary. Masculine mojo with the occaisonal hint  of vulnerability is where it's at. If that dosen't come naturally to you, fake it till you make it, and it becomes an ingrained part of your personality.

[garbon]

To answer the original question, I try to no longer share my feelings with people I know in real life.  It's pretty pointless and usually counterproductive.  I'd like to think that a woman wouldn't treat me like a dick if I did, though, but I'm not that optimistic about humans.

That's healthy...

[garbon]

I don't mind being vulnerable, but I don't want to wreck the magic by going too far and abandoning my manhood. I think maybe there is a level of mystery that must be maintained for the sake of romance, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it. It depends on the girl, obviously.

[Valmy]

To answer the original question, I try to no longer share my feelings with people I know in real life.  It's pretty pointless and usually counterproductive.  I'd like to think that a woman wouldn't treat me like a dick if I did, though, but I'm not that optimistic about humans.

Well what you do if somebody shared their feelings with you?

[Valmy]

I don't mind being vulnerable, but I don't want to wreck the magic by going too far and abandoning my manhood. I think maybe there is a level of mystery that must be maintained for the sake of romance, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

I am amazed after 15 years of marriage this is a consideration.

[merithyn]

Just to inform the situation and why I think the way I do...

When I was a junior in high school, I dated a girl whose father was a minister. At one point, he had a nervous breakdown, and confessed this to his wife and congregation. It was the ultimate expression of weakness and vulnerability. His wife made a brave showing of support for him, but later it was discovered that she had been cheating on him. I genuinely believe that the two things went together.

I'm nowhere close to that, but I don't want to get any closer to it either.

They may have gone together, but not in the way that you are thinking.

I look at it this way: A marriage is a partnership, with two people pulling the load together. Sometimes, one has to take a break for a while, making the other pull the load on their own while the other catch's their breath. Then, once they're ready, they step, and they pull together again. The next time, it might be the other partner's turn to catch their breath. This works so long as the majority of the time they're pulling together. If, however, one starts to feel as though they are always the one pulling the load - or someone starts to feel like they shouldn't have to pull the load at all - the marriage bond begins to break down. So, if someone is dealing with a serious depression over a very long period of time without seeking help to fix it, the other is left to carry the burden. For a while, this might still work, but eventually, it will become too much and something will give.

I can imagine, in the scenario that you presented, that if it got to the point of a mental breakdown, the minister wasn't carrying his portion of the load for a long, long while. It wasn't the breakdown that diminished his wife's capacity to be there, it was all of the time leading up to it. If the minster wasn't able to look for or get help - or chose not to in order to appear The Strong One - it had to take a toll on everyone in his family, and likely his congregation. By the time he fell completely apart, the damage was already well and truly done.

So, it's not showing vulnerability that causes that loss of affection. It's not doing what needs doing when the vulnerability shows itself.

I don't mind being vulnerable, but I don't want to wreck the magic by going too far and abandoning my manhood. I think maybe there is a level of mystery that must be maintained for the sake of romance, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

If showing yourself to be vulnerable wrecks the magic of your marriage, there are bigger issues going on, I would guess. I'm not saying being a blubbering idiot is attractive, but needing an emotional hand every now and then isn't going to destroy 15 years of love and affection, either.