Funk's Football Manager 2012 Suckstravaganza

[FunkMonk]

After asking for suggestions in the FM2012 thread, it occurred to me that I'd like to do an AAR for whichever team I chose. So here it is, whether you like it or not. 

Meet Theophilus Funk. Soon to be the world's greatest manager:




This is Athletic Bilbao, a club in the Spanish top flight, widely known as La Liga. I know next to nothing about the Spanish leagues other than the big two clubs and what Sid Lowe talks about on Football Weekly, so this oughta be fun.

The interesting thing with Athletic is that they're restricted to only signing players who are ethnically Basque, so you can't go signing the latest Brazilian wonderkid.

Our finances at the start of the season are pretty good. I don't like buying super-expensive players anyway, but at Athletic you don't really have the choice to. You pretty much have to work with what you have and whatever new kids come up through the youth ranks.


After having a long perusal of the team, I decided on a 4-3-3. It's a young and energetic squad with some very good players in key positions. I decided to build the team around four players in particular:

Javi Martinez: He sits in front of the CBs and distributes the ball forward.


Llorente: Super strong target man who can score goals and lay off balls for onrushing midfielders


And Iker Munian, a 18-year-old wonderkid, as well as Ander Herrera, a playmaking midfielder.



Typical lineup as follows:


I decide I want to play a very high-line, high-pressing attacking game, with man-marking. I want to get the ball back from the other team and transition into attack as quickly as possible, so I need the team to play high up the field with players in position to run into the attacking third immediately. I figure this will work against most of the teams in the league since they are mostly crap, barring Real Madrid and Barcelona.

[katmai]

I look forward to hearing how you do.

My next game after this Minnows to EPL attempt of mine will be to try Bilbao.

[FunkMonk]

Almost immediately after I take charge my Assistant Manager (now known as Assman) proposes a friendly between us and our own lower league team of the same name. I agree and decide to have a look at the boys on the field for the very first time. Of course we kick their asses and I tell my team how proud I am that they beat up their younger, terrible counterparts, and they rejoice. Before the game I set up a few optional custom shouts to urge the team on and let them know I mean business.





Not long after the game my super striker Fernando Llorente hurts himself doing sprints and he's out for a month. I tell him he's an idiot for sprinting when he should be laying off passes and smashing in goals. Luckily, the season won't start for over a month anyway.



Next up we face Napoli in a friendly cup game. This is our first real test. Napoli has a really good team and they line up in their typically crazy-like-a-fox formation.


Luckily for me, teenybopper Munian's hormones are raging at just the right time and he puts in a performance of exquisite quality, bombing down Napoli's open right flank and constantly troubling the Napoli goalkeeper. In game terms, I set the Passing to "Down Left Flank", which basically became the WIN button.




Napoli's open flanks and high-line prove their undoing and I swat the Eye-ties 4-1.
Two days later I win the "Friendly Cup" by defeating little Hull. Munian's goal was the best of the lot. I promptly dump the meaningless Friendly Cup in the garbage. Stupid English trophies.


The next match is away in a Europa League qualifier against world famous club side Levski of Bulgaria. I tremble in my boots as they form up in a 3-5-2. The Bulgarians are plucky, but stupid. I net 4 away goals and concede exactly zero.



In this game I took pains to see if my high-pressing, man-marking was working with any effect. In this screenshot the players look like they are conforming to the tactics nicely. Every Bulgarian is marked out and we have a spare man in the back to sweep up a loose runner.

My favorite goal here was Toquero lay off to Captain 'Old Man' Gurpeggi, who curls it in top corner. Brilliant.


In the return fixture at home, I diagram further.




I'm pleased with the team. They're marking out the easy passes and pressing hard. Most of the time the opposing players either have to play it back or lump it out of bounds. We win 1-0.

And finally, after the preseason friendlies and Euro cup qualifiers, the first game of the season is upon us...

[CountDeMoney]

Does the game really need the stock photos from the American Male catalog?

[FunkMonk]

Does the game really need the stock photos from the American Male catalog?

Those are faces modded into the game. There's a few giant face packs that add thousands of dudes that stare right at you while you pick over their stats.

[CountDeMoney]

Does the game really need the stock photos from the American Male catalog?

Those are faces modded into the game. There's a few giant face packs that add thousands of dudes that stare right at you while you pick over their stats.

Super.  Can't wait for the expansion:  Foot Manager 2012: Martinus Masturbation Edition

[Ed Anger]

Can you create players? A. Hitler wants to play. 

[FunkMonk]

Unfortunately no. You can rename players, though.

The game does generate new youth players every year, too, so I'll be renaming them. Generalissimo Francisco Franco will live again.

[Ed Anger]

 

[Liep]

Unfortunately no. You can rename players, though.

You can? How?

[FunkMonk]

Unfortunately no. You can rename players, though.

You can? How?

Right-click player's name, select" Interaction", click "Set Nickname." You can remove it and it restores the real name.

[Viking]

Unfortunately no. You can rename players, though.

You can? How?

Right-click player's name, click "Set Nickname." You can remove it and it restores the real name.

This is where I named my players

F Llorente 6TM6 Det
A Herrera 8Ap9 Pro
J Martinez 8Dlp8 Amb

Those three guys are great and a very good and balanced core for any team. Muniain usually gets picked up by larger clubs, In my game he went to Man U and is a success there. Keep these guy contracted up to the gills. The last thing you need is to lose one of these guys and find out that no basques competent to play their position want to join the club.

[FunkMonk]

First game of the season is against mighty Rayo Vallecano. I know absolutely nadda about these guys, so let's see what happens.

vs

It turns out Rayo is pretty shitty. They leave a lot of space open in the midfield and my attackers shred them to bits.


Here Javi Martinez is given time to pick his pass. We have four good options, plus one out wide left, and all are easy passes and loosely marked. DEFENSE RAYO LOL



Javi chooses the Llorente option and he goes in to slot the ball past the keeper. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL


Another look at our defensive strategy. Here the ball ends up out of bounds and our throw-in. Learn to pass next time, idiots.


We go on to win 4-1. We pepper their goal with a brazilian shots. They were lucky we only scored four.


But there's bad news not long after the game. It turns out golden boy Javi Martinez, the backbone of our defense and the team's metronome, was trying too hard to impress some Spanish hotties and ends up hurting himself during weight training. I send him to the Doc's room for four weeks. FFFFUUUUCCCK


The new plan is to use Team Captain Carlos "Old Man" Gurpeggi in Javi's role until he's back to fitness. I pray to whatever false god Basques pray to that he doesn't screw things up too much.

[Viking]

But there's bad news not long after the game. It turns out golden boy Javi Martinez, the backbone of our defense and the team's metronome, was trying too hard to impress some Spanish hotties and ends up hurting himself during weight training. I send him to the Doc's room for four weeks. FFFFUUUUCCCK


The new plan is to use Team Captain Carlos "Old Man" Gurpeggi in Javi's role until he's back to fitness. I pray to whatever false god Basques pray to that he doesn't screw things up too much.

Javi Martinez and Iker Muniain were the guys got caught "partying with porn stars"

He must have pulled a muscle in the process.

[jimmy olsen]

How many world class Basque players can there be? That sounds like a crippling handicap, being held to such a small recruiting area.