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Dumb criminal stories

Started by Barrister, April 27, 2011, 12:35:18 PM

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grumbler

The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain.   -G'Kar

Bayraktar!

dps

Quote from: Barrister on April 27, 2011, 10:41:49 PM
At least up here it becomes very difficult to prosecute someone for drunk driving if you don't catch them right at the scene.  How do you prove someone didn't drink after the accident?  You have to prove they were intoxicated at the time of the accident, not at the time of arrest by police.

Yeah, or in an incident like in OvB's story, instead of claiming that his car was stolen, he should have claimed that he was in the car with a friend, and the friend was driving at the time.  The police didn't find the friend?  To bad he got away, then.

Barrister

Here's a good one.

Two fellows approach a home one evening.  The ring on the doorbell, then try to open the doors and try jiggling the windows to try and find a way in.

They do not realize however that this is "earth hour", or whatever that hippy notion was where you are supposed to turn off all your lights for one hour.  The homeowners are home, in the dark, and call police.  The two are apprehended minutes later.
Posts here are my own private opinions.  I do not speak for my employer.

dps

So that's both a dumb criminal story and a dumb victim story.

Barrister

Overheard the following facts in court today on a guilty plea.

Fellow goes to a pawn shop with a tile cutter.  Guy at the pawn shop recognizes it as HIS OWN TILE CUTTER, complete with the dust from the tiles he was cutting the day before.

:palmslap:
Posts here are my own private opinions.  I do not speak for my employer.

Razgovory

Quote from: Barrister on August 04, 2011, 04:56:07 PM
Overheard the following facts in court today on a guilty plea.

Fellow goes to a pawn shop with a tile cutter.  Guy at the pawn shop recognizes it as HIS OWN TILE CUTTER, complete with the dust from the tiles he was cutting the day before.

:palmslap:

I suppose that happens in small towns.

If I was a criminal, I'd put my exploits on this thread. :)
I've given it serious thought. I must scorn the ways of my family, and seek a Japanese woman to yield me my progeny. He shall live in the lands of the east, and be well tutored in his sacred trust to weave the best traditions of Japan and the Sacred South together, until such time as he (or, indeed his house, which will periodically require infusion of both Southern and Japanese bloodlines of note) can deliver to the South it's independence, either in this world or in space.  -Lettow April of 2011

Raz is right. -MadImmortalMan March of 2017

Barrister

Quote from: Razgovory on August 04, 2011, 05:17:39 PM
Quote from: Barrister on August 04, 2011, 04:56:07 PM
Overheard the following facts in court today on a guilty plea.

Fellow goes to a pawn shop with a tile cutter.  Guy at the pawn shop recognizes it as HIS OWN TILE CUTTER, complete with the dust from the tiles he was cutting the day before.

:palmslap:

I suppose that happens in small towns.

If I was a criminal, I'd put my exploits on this thread. :)

But it happened in Edmonton.  That's what makes it so dumb.  There are no end of pawn shops here - why would you pawn an item to the guy you stole it from?
Posts here are my own private opinions.  I do not speak for my employer.

sbr

Quote from: Barrister on August 04, 2011, 05:19:47 PM
Quote from: Razgovory on August 04, 2011, 05:17:39 PM
Quote from: Barrister on August 04, 2011, 04:56:07 PM
Overheard the following facts in court today on a guilty plea.

Fellow goes to a pawn shop with a tile cutter.  Guy at the pawn shop recognizes it as HIS OWN TILE CUTTER, complete with the dust from the tiles he was cutting the day before.

:palmslap:

I suppose that happens in small towns.

If I was a criminal, I'd put my exploits on this thread. :)

But it happened in Edmonton.  That's what makes it so dumb.  There are no end of pawn shops here - why would you pawn an item to the guy you stole it from?

He must not play Morrowind.

Razgovory

Quote from: Barrister on August 04, 2011, 05:19:47 PM

But it happened in Edmonton.  That's what makes it so dumb.  There are no end of pawn shops here - why would you pawn an item to the guy you stole it from?

Ah, okay.
I've given it serious thought. I must scorn the ways of my family, and seek a Japanese woman to yield me my progeny. He shall live in the lands of the east, and be well tutored in his sacred trust to weave the best traditions of Japan and the Sacred South together, until such time as he (or, indeed his house, which will periodically require infusion of both Southern and Japanese bloodlines of note) can deliver to the South it's independence, either in this world or in space.  -Lettow April of 2011

Raz is right. -MadImmortalMan March of 2017

Barrister

This one is a dumb cop story.

Reading from his notes:

Quote[Subject] had seemed reasonable, she was sober and was acting like a responsible mother, I had no idea of the chaos which was to develop in the next few minutes.

:frusty:

They're police notes, not a paperback thriller.
Posts here are my own private opinions.  I do not speak for my employer.

HVC

Being lazy is bad; unless you still get what you want, then it's called "patience".
Hubris must be punished. Severely.

CountDeMoney

Quote from: Barrister on May 14, 2012, 04:52:12 PM
This one is a dumb cop story.

Reading from his notes:

Quote[Subject] had seemed reasonable, she was sober and was acting like a responsible mother, I had no idea of the chaos which was to develop in the next few minutes.

:frusty:

They're police notes, not a paperback thriller.

I made it a point to create a sustained, gripping statement of charges, full of flavor and flair.  Just for prick ASAs like you.

Malthus

Quote from: Barrister on May 14, 2012, 04:52:12 PM
This one is a dumb cop story.

Reading from his notes:

Quote[Subject] had seemed reasonable, she was sober and was acting like a responsible mother, I had no idea of the chaos which was to develop in the next few minutes.

:frusty:

They're police notes, not a paperback thriller.

Reminds me of these reasons for judgment:

QuoteThe Jeep was brought to a stop. Immediately, the respondent emerged from the driver's seat of the Jeep and approached the police car declaring: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucked." As will be seen from our disposition of this appeal, that was a prophetic statement.

:lol:

From Alberta Court of Appeal - 2012 May 4 - R. v. Pelech, 2012 ABCA 134 (CanLII)

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane—Marcus Aurelius

Scipio

I relieved the suspect of the alleged marijuana.

I am so fucking tired of reading that sentence.  My personal favorite formulation was "I removed the alleged butcher knife from the victim's chest under the direction of the EMT."
What I speak out of my mouth is the truth.  It burns like fire.
-Jose Canseco

There you go, giving a fuck when it ain't your turn to give a fuck.
-Every cop, The Wire

"It is always good to be known for one's Krapp."
-John Hurt

CountDeMoney

Quote from: Malthus on May 14, 2012, 05:22:01 PM
QuoteThe Jeep was brought to a stop. Immediately, the respondent emerged from the driver's seat of the Jeep and approached the police car declaring: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucked." As will be seen from our disposition of this appeal, that was a prophetic statement.

:lol:

From Alberta Court of Appeal - 2012 May 4 - R. v. Pelech, 2012 ABCA 134 (CanLII)

Now see, that's what I'm talking about.  There's nothing that prohibits the criminal justice system from being fun, entertaining and allowing oneself to be be creative, full of life and verve.