This Just In: Reason for Haiti Quake Explained!

[Ed Anger]

I confess! it was my bowel movements.

[Martim Silva]

I thought Haiti had been levelled so that the scenes could be added to the extended edition of "2012"...   

Was I misinformed?

[Darth Wagtaros]

Goddammit, who leaked this to him??

Same people who stumbled on to our part in the tsunami that wiped out all those ethnic people in Asia a few years ago.

[derspiess]

But I thought it was God's punishment for their deal with the devil? 

German tourists would be the punishment.

[katmai]

Venezuelan media have reported that the earthquake "may be associated with the project called HAARP, a system that can generate violent and unexpected changes in climate."

HAARP, the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, is a study run in Alaska directed at the occasional reconfiguration of the properties of the Earth's ionosphere to improve satellite communications.

Was Tontirus behind it?   

HAARP is located up closer to Fairbanks.

And I remember goofy Euro's asking me all about HAARP when I was in Australia

[jimmy olsen]

Venezuelan media have reported that the earthquake "may be associated with the project called HAARP, a system that can generate violent and unexpected changes in climate."

HAARP, the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, is a study run in Alaska directed at the occasional reconfiguration of the properties of the Earth's ionosphere to improve satellite communications.

Was Tontirus behind it?   

HAARP is located up closer to Fairbanks.

And I remember goofy Euro's asking me all about HAARP when I was in Australia

I would have totally fucked with their heads over that.

[Martinus]

Well, it beats Pat Robertson's explanation.

[Duque de Bragança]

They were trying for a "Teutonic weapon", which would have inundated Haiti with obnoxious German tourists.

Today Ibiza, tomorrow the World!

[Martinus]

God's Wrath According To Pat Robertson
700 Club founder Pat Robertson stated that the earthquake in Haiti, which may have killed 100,000 people, was God's punishment for a deal Haitian slaves made with the devil 200 years ago to get out from under French rule. Here are some other tragedies and Robertson's explanations for them:

Eruption of Mount St. Helens, 1980: Divine wrath was incurred when people were too busy enjoying the natural beauty of Washington state and not spending enough time appreciating God
Space Shuttle Challenger Explosion, 1986: Ten-year-old Walt Sudul, of Racine, WI, made friends with a Jewish boy at school
Oakland Hills Firestorm, 1991: Emily Garrity pointed out a logical inconsistency in the concept of an omnipotent god to her Sunday school teacher
Magic Johnson Tests Positive for HIV, 1991: An ardent Portland Trail Blazers fan, God was horrified to see His team lose 4-2 to the Los Angeles Lakers in the 1991 Western Conference Finals, and thus decided to give the winner's best player AIDS
Crash of American Airlines Flight 587, 2001: Though the flight was filled with pious individuals, God was distracted by a masturbating 14-year-old in Boise, ID and was therefore unable to keep the aircraft from falling apart in midair, like all planes would without His loving intervention
Columbine High School Massacre, 1999: Tinky Winky
Indian Ocean Tsunami, 2004: Newlyweds Todd and Nancy Tate experimented with non-missionary sex during their honeymoon
Hurricane Katrina, 2005: Divine retribution for Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras (Volume 3)

[Tamas]

It is better to note, however, that apart from the Haiti stuff, the rest is from the onion

[Neil]

It is better to note, however, that apart from the Haiti stuff, the rest is from the onion

Typical Martinus, trying to take credit for the hard work of others.

[KRonn]

OUR WORDS ARE BACKED WITH TECTONIC WEAPONS!!!   



No scribes allowed.   

[Gambrinus]

Considering that the loonie left are convinced the US are just using the quake as a guise för occupying Haiti as a spearhead in their attack against the brave socialist republics of South America, I'm surprised it took them that long to draw the logical conclusion.

[Admiral Yi]

Considering that the loonie left are convinced the US are just using the quake as a guise för occupying Haiti as a spearhead in their attack against the brave socialist republics of South America, I'm surprised it took them that long to draw the logical conclusion.

How serious are you when you say this about the loonie left?  (I assume you mean the Yuro loonie left.)

[garbon]

Typical Martinus, trying to take credit for the hard work of others.

Although to be fair, none of that was particularly funny.