Valmy's ADHD Dragon Age playthrough

[Valmy]

Yeah the first few Qunari swords cost 3 gold at stores so I was hoping for a bit of cash back. So I totally messed that one up.

And yeah I am always forgetting to go visit the person at the Hanged Man for the bandit quests.

[Valmy]

Ok so next on the docket of madness is: Isabela and Urien's plan to capture Castillon. They arrive at the Blooming Rose while Velasco is there banging elves. Then they will allow him to capture Isabela and take her to Castillon. She will leave a trail for Urien to follow.



'My companions are all loonies'

So they break in and Urien pretends to sell Isabela off. Then they pursue her trail...



'Isabela always carries a bag of glitter for just such emergencies'

So we track them down to a warehouse by the docks which looks strangely familiar...Velasco and Castillon get what's coming to them despite an attempt by Isabela to buy off Castillon. She is both unscrupulous and a bit dense. Kind of charming really.

So afterwards she finally admits she loves Urien and wants to feel all the feels.



'Your competition are an abomination, an emotionally unstable guy who rips people's hearts out, and a blood mage. You only almost got the city destroyed.'

So sweet love foreva! What could go wrong?

Ok so remember the weird Gamlen quest? The one with the mallets and weird elves who wait around trees to deliver messages to people talking about mallets? Well they have to go to the secret cave outside of town to pick up the Gem of something-or-other. They fight through spiders and demon possessed corpses to find...



'Isabela propositions Gamlen's daughter to a threesome five seconds after meeting her'

So yes Gamlen had a long lost daughter named Charade. Seriously. It seems Gamlen was so obsessed with finding this gem that he didn't notice his girlfriend left him preggers. And he also blew all the money in part trying to get this thing. And I have no idea if the gem was even recovered or what. It is the most pointless plot point ever, a total McGuffin. And what was supposed to happen here? Charade Amell really expected her dear old absentee dad to fight through all these bandits, figure out all those bizarre clues, and then fight through a spider infested cave to reach her? Why not just go to his house? This quest man. It is so bad it's good. So Charade went back to introduce herself to Gamlen. Welcome to the family!



'Obligatory joke'

Oh and there was a big fight with some more thugs for some reason. Thus ends the most non-sensical quest I have ever seen in Dragon Age. But at least we know the noble line of Amell has yet another fertile plot from which it may sprout anew. How is that for a Lettow-esque sentence?

So next: Zevranerm...the mysterious elf assassin the Antivan Crownobleman with the impossible beard wants us to kill. But first Urien has to manipulate the Dalish into giving him up.



'Wait so he is letting the Dalish just telling whomever where he is? What is he thinking?'

What he was thinking was he was pretty safe where he was.



'So what? You and Zevran are now Varterral experts or something?'

So now it is Valmy 3 Varterral 0. Ah yeah.



'Zevran 2.0 with clownish elf ears upgrade'

Zev is STILL hiding out from the Antivan Crows after like 6+ years. He and Isabella knew each other but actually she already told Urien about Zevran in Act 2. Urien asks her what they should do with Zev.



'Too much information...'

I just cannot get enough of DA2 Isabela she cracks me up. So on to the give the Antivan Crows our regards.



'If they fail to assassinate you they will just bore you to death with their endless tedious attempts to do so'

That is the end of that. And Urien and Isabela and Zevran all have a threesome because that is what it means to have Isabela as your girlfriend. Ah well. So Urien goes back to Kirkwall and changes parties. Time for my favorite parts of any Act in Dragon Age 2: exploring the Wounded Coast, climbing Sundermount, and visiting the Bone Pit. Abominanders, Aveline, and Varric are up for the challenge.



'Oh I guess I expected a more insidious revenge plot'

So as soon as we get to the Wounded Coast Evets is there to be killed. So that takes care of that sword of Damocles. One of their quests was to rescue a damsel fair from wicked bandits. But when they arrive the damsel fair is sitting there all Sandal-like surrounded by the bloody corpses of the kidnappers. It seems she has a boyfriend who seduced her through her dreams.



'Well this super power is not abusable or anything'

So Feynriel is seducing ladies and murdering bandits from hundreds of miles away. Well I guess if Dagna is not the villain of Inquisition maybe he should. The rest of this session was about a series of very tough fights. First they were finding these scrolls which spoke of evil demons imprisoned or something or other. The usual thing. And they kept running into said eldritch horrors.



'You will fall to my demonic powers MORTAL!'



'No it is to MY demonic powers you shall fall!'



'They were both wrong it is to OUR demonic powers you shall fall!!!11'

So two really powerful arcane horrors then a named walking corpse and two muthafucking revenants. So there is a super powerful big boss demon waiting deep under Kirkwall someplace but hehe think I will wait on that one. Those were bitching fights. I honestly am not sure how I won the one with two boss revenants. It was good to have Aveline. The combat in DA2 is pretty great, if I replay this game it will be for this. Thanks to all the new AoE abilities I have not been able to play it on Nightmare but I would like to learn. I planned Urien around using the two handed weapon skills but they are almost impossible to use well with friendly fire taking down the rogue beside me everytime. So maybe next time. More on the this later when  I finish the game.

So they ascend to the top of Sundermount AGAIN fighting through tough fights and once again...nothing. But at least those other times there were mysterious force fields and strangely placed wagons blocking the entrance to the cave at the top this time...



'Yeah so...it is open but we cannot go inside. Well maybe Act 4...oh wait'

Stupid cave at the top of Sundermount CONSTANTLY TAUNTING ME.

Alright so now just to go down to The Bone Pit and see how the miners are doing and...oh wait everything was totally destroyed and everybody killed.



'Ah hell yeah!'

So a High Dragon moved in with all of her family and one of those super stage-based WoW-ish boss fights commenced. I think there were three dragons in addition to the hordes of dragonlings. I had a blast and it was super fun.



'My weapon maybe stupid but I AM AWESOME!'

Seriously what is up with that weapon? It is just lame as hell. That would never work, it is like some kind of anime weapon only lacking that over the top that would make it cool. But man does it have great stats.

But everybody is dead. It is just that sort of game for heroes. Urien goes back and tells Hubert it is all over and Hubert gives Urien sole ownership of the Bone Pit. Eh everybody gave up and gave Cecil Rhodes those diamond mines and look how that turned out? That's right. Horribly for most everybody except Cecil Rhodes.

Next on the heroic social calendar is a trip to the Deep Roads. They did not have to go far (well actually they probably had been traveling for a week or more) until they find a singular Grey Warden being attacked by vile Darkspawn. Ah yeah it is Nathaniel Howe one of the saviors of Ferelden. He is glad to see his old friend.



'You aren't kidding pal'

Anyway the Grey Wardens are working with the Architect to...clear up something in the Deep Roads. Anyway it seems Varric and Bartrand were venturing deeper into the Deep Roads than anybody had ever gone before. Huh? Anyway the Architect assured Nathaniel the passage was clear but instead it was very unclear. Damn it. So they find the cousin of that dwarf demolitions expert from Awakenings who, shockingly, has actually gone into hiding from the Qunari just like it said in the Awakenings Epilogue. Nice when what they say happens actually happens

He has set demolition charges to take out the Darkspawn but Urien elects to do it the old fashioned way. That was fun, lots of Ogres. Blowup up sections of a cave seemed like a really bad idea, I remember the collapsed Deep Roads from Awakenings. Granted Urien didn't but maybe Anders and Nathaniel filled him in.



'It was good to see you again Nathaniel...er...I mean it was nice to meet you Nathaniel'

That was a nice little quest only I didn't get any more light shown on the weird details of the Deep Roads expedition and it did not seem to have much to do with the other plots in the game. Ah well.

Now it is time for the big quest that will finally answer the question:



Do you want to date her avatar?

That's right it is Mark of the Assassin time. Get ready for something completely different!

[viper37]

I suggest Aveline + Anders as your companions.  Tallis will be your rogue, but you'll need to respect her to give her more cunning to open locks.

There are some tough fights in this one.

Banter wise, when you walk Kirkwall, try it with Isabella and Aveline, that always cracks me up, especially in act 3

[Valmy]

Finished Mark of the Assassin. I took Bethany and Isabela because I just love making things harder on myself. But seriously I will always always take Bethany if I can at this point.

I LOVED the last fight. It was all about my favorite parts of Dragon Age fights. Positioning and controling the battlefield.

But especially during phase three I was super intense prompting my four year old, who usually plays Minecraft on a tablet on the chair behind me while I play Dragon Age, to say 'Daddy you are ridiculous when you get to the hard fights'

This is serious business son

I like Varric banter, he is everybody's bud. He and Fenris talking about their Wicked Grace games makes me wish that was a mini-game

[viper37]

I had more trouble doing the ancient deity fight in the first part.  That one was really, really, really tough to do.  The battlefield is really small, the ennemies are really tough to kill and pack a punch and that fucker always disapear behind a force field whenever I start getting his health down!

[Valmy]

I had more trouble doing the ancient deity fight in the first part.  That one was really, really, really tough to do.  The battlefield is really small, the ennemies are really tough to kill and pack a punch and that fucker always disapear behind a force field whenever I start getting his health down!

I got beat down once and figured it out. You cannot hit the Arcane Horror in melee (well you can but he has this PBAoE that wrecks your shit, just like Fenris does). So I had Isabela and Urien kill all the adds and Bethany and Tallis (who I found out throws her daggers...woman must have hundreds) hit it from long range. It was pretty squishy for a boss so that was not too hard.

Now the Alpha Wyvern was something else. That fight made me rip my hair out.

[viper37]

I had more trouble doing the ancient deity fight in the first part.  That one was really, really, really tough to do.  The battlefield is really small, the ennemies are really tough to kill and pack a punch and that fucker always disapear behind a force field whenever I start getting his health down!

I got beat down once and figured it out. You cannot hit the Arcane Horror in melee (well you can but he has this PBAoE that wrecks your shit, just like Fenris does). So I had Isabela and Urien kill all the adds and Bethany and Tallis (who I found out throws her daggers...woman must have hundreds) hit it from long range. It was pretty squishy for a boss so that was not too hard.

Now the Alpha Wyvern was something else. That fight made me rip my hair out.

Funny.  The Alpha Wyvern did not give me that much problem.  The last time, I was a rogue, I had Fenrys, Tallis and Anders.  Anders cage force one of the baddies, shoots lighting at them, My rogue finish them, Fenrys hits the beast.  When it shoots arrows of fire everywhere, I move my people around. Easily done in 20-30 minutes and all my health potions

[Valmy]

Time for MARK OF THE ASSASSIN. I have to admit even after finishing the DLC I am not exactly sure what the title refers to. Once Tallis gets referred to as an assassin and the bad guy marks people during the final battle but...eh oh well.

We start with the lovely dominatrix Cassandra busting Varric's balls about Urien Amell Hawke almost starting a war with the Qunari.



'But what we had was very much like a war wasn't it?'

Well turns out he also nearly started another war. Urien just cannot quit the Qunari.

We start with the same crew that Urien was with at the end of the last section: Abominanders, Varric, and Aveline. One of his Merchant's Guild contacts wants us to meet some people in the High Town Market but instead it is a massive group of Antivan Crows. Damn these guys just never give up! Tallis shows up with super cut-scene powers



'She can one shot five guys! What is her class? Super ninja?'

Unfortunately her class abilities are only usable in cut scenes. Anyway they stomp the Antivan Crows who are the worst most unsubtle assassins in the world. Tallis introduces herself and asks that Urien attend a party being held by a Duke Prosper at his estate at Chateau Haine. Hate Castle? Sounds charming. I guess Chateau Rage or Chateau Mépris were already taken. They are to steal a gem called 'The Heart of The Many' for unknown reasons. Well that is the whole hook. Meet some weird elf and go to a party to steal a gem for unknown reasons.



'This is the actual reason for the adventure. La quête du fromage is the real name of this DLC'

So who gets to go to the party?



'Hey look a screen of every single joinable character except Carver. RIP bro.'

I have to take Tallis so it seemed logical that Aveline and Bethany should have been my group but...eh...I thought maybe Isabela or Varric might be more fun at a party. I thought maybe with Urien and Tallis we could melee DPS everything down with Isabela so I took her. Turns out there was some salty dog pirate type content just for her so that was cool.

Tallis, Isabela, and Urien arrive at Chateau Haine and introduce themselves to Duke Prosper. It seems Urien was not the only Amell Hawke invited.



'Hey! Who is that chatting up my sister?!'

This time Bethany is glad to see Urien. Awwwww so glad to have her in the group again She admits she kind of likes being in the Circle, much less stressful than being an Apostate. And Isabela smuggles in pornographic materials which Bethany appreciates. So much love in Urien's gang.

So this is one of those noble hunting parties. Except instead of hunting stags or foxes or something they are going to be hunting Wyverns. Orlesian nobles are hard core. Heck the Orlesian Jacobins will hardly have any work left if they keep having parties like this. Man I freaking love the Orlesians they are so snobby and badass. I wish I could play one. They are combination Venetian-Three Musketeers type people. So much awesome. They make me want to strut around with an alabaster mask and spit on Ferelden dogs. And after that maybe spit on their mabaris as well.

The banter in this DLC is top notch. The Bioware writers really hit their stride. Here is Tallis asking Urien about his title.



'The Only One in Kirkwall Not Completely Insane would have been perfect'

An empty title with no privileges or responsibilities. Got to love it.

And here is Tallis talking about how Duke Prosper de Montfort's family got possession of the chateau.



'Damn straight it is!'

I mean really I could go on and on.

So Urien sets off in his quest to win a noble party game. Eh he has risked his life for less. During this time he saves the lives of a couple Orlesian hunting dogs and defeats a cult for the elder sky god.



'I am known as the Bane of Viper37'

They also find a brand new monster. Ghasts which are sort of like Goblins who are trying to dress up like Orlesians. They like to live in holes in the ground and burst out and make funny noises...and try to kill you. Everytime I run into a new monster in Dragon Age it is an experience of shock and joy. So finally they gather the materials to bait the mighty Wyvern (another new monster!!) to win the party prize. This culminates in Tallis running around making Nug noises. This DLC is so very grimdark 

The Alpha Wyvern swooped down and this was one pain in the ass of a fight. It can stun and charge and hits like a mack truck. It can one hit both Tallis and Isabela. Oh crap. I mean rogues have lots of ways to escape getting hit but none of them work if they go down in one hit. And of course it could one hit Bethany to. And it just drops agro and smashes random targets every once in a while. Basically there was no sure fire strategy for my group because of this, it just required a bit of luck...and potions...lots of potions. There was one incident where the Alpha Wyvern charged and took down Tallis, Isabela, and nearly killed Bethany in one charge. Then it finished off Bethany while she was still on the ground. LOL.



'Don't charge...please don't charge...just...'

Anyway there were a few things I figured out to help our chances and eventually it worked out. The beast went down. They were immediately attacked by an outrageous Orlesian Baron who tried to steal their kill. Well that was not happening so we beat them down but damn I was crapping my pants. I had no time to save after the Wyvern fight since this came on immediately. Fortunately nobody died. For winning the prize Urien got a pretty badass Wyvern hunting belt. I imagine it looks like a boxing championship belt.



'This means we are all going to be poisoned doesn't it?'

Sadly Bethany and Isabela do not come to the party with Urien and Tallis, they are sent off to find an alternative route into the castle. Urien and Tallis are trying to get a key to get inside the castle to steal the McGuffin of The Many. I mean the Heart of The Many. Tallis tries to use her Felicia Day wiles and first tries to seduce a guard but finds he gave the key to a servant. So then she tries to seduce the servant and it turns out she gave the key to Cyril de Montfort, the Duke's son. More on that later.

So anybody who is anybody is at this party.

Bann Teagan and Isolde are there.



'Quel scandale!'

Leliana is there.



'We all know Leliana's signature move is hair complements'

But also the Comtesse de Launcet and her daughters. The Compte de Launcet was the noble Leandra Amell was originally betrothed to before she ran off with Malcolm Hawke and spawned a bunch of troublemakers. Also present is Bann Perrin, who I did not remember at first but then the dialog reminded me he is the noble Leliana stole frilly underwear from in Leliana's Song. Damn people are still giving him shit for that? Wasn't that like 9 years ago now? The Seneschal of Kirkwall, Urien's old bud, is also there with his trans-woman elf consort. Huh. Didn't see that one coming. I mean an elf? How scandalous.

The canapés and gossip are delightful but they have a mission here. They find Cyril de Montfort and Tallis tries to seduce him. But it seems he is more into Urien. Tallis does what any seducer does when she fails and slips a date rape drug into his wine.



'Now we shall take your key...and fortunately for you that is not a euphemism'

So we get a fun stealth section where Urien sneaks through the castle avoiding guards and looting stuff. There is also a quest to poison Duke Prosper's pet Wyvern Leopold. So yeah I just did that without knowing why really. Turns out that helped a bit with the final battle. Urien also finds some pirate medallions for Isabela and paintings for Bethany...one of which looks like their mother. Why do so many people have pictures of Leandra? So weird. Was she like some kind of pin-up for the nobles in her youth? Eventually Duke Prosper finds them before they can get to the vault, and reveals Tallis is a Qunari assassin and the Heart of the Many is actually a reference to a Tal Vashoth who is going to hand over some important Qunari relic to the Orlesians. Stupid gem McGuffins.



'Well once you leave the Qun you are no longer Qunari. The second part of your question I have no idea.'

I guess when you get famous random secret agents just start recruiting you to get involved in international incidents. At this point you can turn on Tallis for betraying you but Urien figured he was in too deep at this point anyway. Might as well finish the job. Besides the Qunari might be mad at him for killing their supreme warlord and this might make some amends or something.

Tallis and Urien get thrown into prison. Tallis unlocks the door and they run into Isabela and Bethany, who happen to be carrying their gear. So that worked out. There was a funny scene earlier where Bethany and Isabela got lost in the castle and decided to booze it up in the wine cellar but I guess they didn't get too trashed.



'Indeed. Nothing horrible ever happens to me'

I will miss his jaunty party outfit. So Tallis has a way out through a secret passage built by the Grey Wardens back when Chateau Haine was used as a garrison during the Fourth Blight (the one from DA:O is the Fifth Blight) that seemed easy enough but that old problem reared its head: petrified pirates. I hate it when that happens.



'It is saying 'enjoy Captain Morgan's spiced rum''

A horrible pirate curse has turned these three salty dogs into stone statues. Only a sexy and dashing pirate captain can save them. But Isabela will have to do. It seems they stole a priceless dagger that was cursed by their apostate captain. It is up in the vault so it looks like they will not be escaping the castle after all. They climb the stairs and Duke Prosper seals the rest of the castle and sends his soldiers to kill them after appropriately witty banter with Urien.



'It is shit like this that makes the Orlesians awesome'

After the battle they go down to the vault where I have to solve many different puzzles. I won't go into great detail but there were lots of door and floor puzzles.



'Most people just use a key or something but people who design vaults for RPGs know better'

The big one was a massive 5x5 floor puzzle that took me forever to solve. In fact I am not even sure how I did it. Just I kept screwing with it and suddenly I noticed it was set up to be solved. So in addition to lots of nice loot they got the cursed pirate dagger with its massive cursed jewels. Isabela really wants to keep the dagger and screw those pirates but Urien points out it is a cursed dagger. So she frees them. They pledge to serve on her pirate crew.



'Those are the sorts of results you can expect under my leadership!'

But it pays off soon. They slip through the Grey Warden tunnel. Eventually Duke Prosper's muscle, a giant Chasind Warrior and his pet mages confront them...I swear does every Thedas noble have his own staff of mages?



'Damn it! Whenever you WANT Abominanders to lose it he is not around'

Isabela's three pirates show up to help and they cut them down in a most swashbuckling manner. So they reach the end of the tunnels to find a huge battle with ghasts. This one was actually kind of hard, the big boss ghast had a lot of tricks up his sleeve.



'How ghastly! Ok I will get my coat'

I mean just look at them. They are all painted up like Orlesians. Hope we get more ghasts later. After this Urien had to decide whether to stay with Tallis or not. Well it is not like Prosper de Montfort is going to become their best bud at this point so might as well stick with her.



'Indeed. I have no idea why they are even doing this. I hope they at least got good cheese.'

The Tal-Vashoth are waiting for them.



'We rejected the harsh conformity of the Qun! And somehow all look exactly the same.'

Tallis finds the Tal-Vashoth leader and gets him to tell her where the meeting between the Tal-Vashoth and Duke Prosper is going to be. Then she kills him.

So they arrive at the spot and the Tal-Vashoth big boss hands over a list of names to Duke Prosper who is enraged it is not some secret weapon or artifact. Then at that dramatic moment Urien strolls in.



'And a fabulous beard. The tattoo is a bit weak though'

This distracts everybody for Tallis to steal the scroll of names. Duke Prosper then kills the Tal-Vashoth big boss using some green goo that tells his pet Wyvern to kill. Then he orders everybody, Tal-Vashoth and Urien's group alike, be killed. A massive three way battle begins. The first stage there are lots of guards and Tal-Vashoth fighting around you and as the guards kill the Tal-Vashoth they attack you. Also Prosper summons his Mabari to fight but Mabari are not the weapons of destruction they were in DA:O. They probably gain super powers inside the borders of Ferelden. Meanwhile Leopold the Wyvern is sitting above spitting poison down on everybody.



'Isabela is our tactical expert'

After we get Prosper down to about...um...I think 25% of is health he runs off and sends Leopold down after them along with a hoard of guards. Because Leopold was poisoned he got sick and was stunned for a few seconds at the beginning of the fight which gave us sometime to kill the guards. Leopold was nowhere near the terror the Alpha Wyvern was though. He had some skills but his inability to one shot everybody was his downfall.



'Legbiter is disgusted by beta wyverns'

After you beat him up Prosper and Leopold combine Voltron style and attack at full health again. Prosper has one of those repeating crossbows and marks Urien (a Mark of the Assassin? Though Prosper is not really an assassin) with the green goo stuff getting Leopold to charge at him. This is the key to the fight because you are fighting on this Cliffside and you trick Leopold into running off and he gets stuck for a second or two and you can beat up on them. This makes no sense as Wyverns can fly but hey whatever.



'Your ridiculous repeating crossbow is no match for my stupid looking sword villain!'

This fight was all about managing positioning and getting people on the right adds and bosses when they needed to be. A very long resource management fight. I was healing with Bethany most chances I got and was using the potions to keep everybody up. Eventually they got Isabela with a poison spit but that was very late in the third phase. The last healing potion was used right at the end of the fight. I had brought almost 40 with me. All the mana potions were also used. The fight didn't end a moment too soon. When Leopold-Prosper reaches zero health a cut scene plays where Prosper and Leopold go over the cliff face. Urien has some James Bondish one liners.



'To be fair it is a pretty great belt'

Then Duke Prosper de Montfort loses his grip and falls to his death.



'*puts on shades*'

Tallis explains that the scroll contained a list of Qunari agents throughout Thedas. So glad they saved the lives of all those foreign spies. Well when the Qunari win I hope they remember who made their victory possible. Urien offers Tallis a permanent spot on team Amell Hawke and Isabela explains the qualifications.



'You forgot vengeful psychopath'

Tallis goes off to do whatever Qunari do.

So now we flash back to Varric talking to Cassandra and I don't know she is any more enlightened by why that went down as she was before.



'It was all for the cheese Varric'

Well anyway that was a badass adventure. It was funny and dramatic and filled with great puzzles and challenging fights. I loved every bit of it. Bravo Bioware. I feel much less bitter about paying full price for it. So with that Urien goes back to his home in Kirkwall and gets a letter from his arch nemesis. That's right. A message from Anders to visit him in his clinic.

Oh wait no a letter from Meredith.



'You are stepping down and supporting my bid for Viscount? LOL just kidding'

So meetings with Meredith and Anders. This must be Urien's lucky day. I dearly wish Urien could coordinate his conspirators and go in there and kill her and seize power right now. Ah well she has Bethany so cannot oppose her unless it is a killing shot.

So tune in next time for the dirty deeds done dirt cheap...likely for free in fact.

[viper37]

You can bring Bethany for the other DLC, Legacy.  In fact, it is recommended and you happen to like her

If you bring Varric, there's one piece of unique dialog during a quest.

In Mark of the Assassin, there's a side quest for everyone involded (say, if you bring Anders, there's something for him, so you don't miss anything)

[Valmy]

You can bring Bethany for the other DLC, Legacy.  In fact, it is recommended and you happen to like her

If you bring Varric, there's one piece of unique dialog during a quest.

In Mark of the Assassin, there's a side quest for everyone involded (say, if you bring Anders, there's something for him, so you don't miss anything)

Aveline, Varric, and Bethany will be the crew for Legacy. That was the original party for Act 1.

Well I think I got the best one since I got pirates

[Valmy]

Back to Kirkwall and down to business.

A gentlemanly social call with the Knight Commander is the first appointment. Urien goes in ready to be polite and charming.



'No no no you are supposed to comment on the excellent grooming of my beard. For a Knight Commander you are quite the bore'

Anyway the Templars have mage sympathizers in their ranks who aided in a big Gallowsbreak while Bethany was at Chateau Haine I guess. All except three of the escaped mages have been captured. Now it falls to Urien to catch the other three because um...eh not sure why. Templar incompetence I guess. So because Urien is a genius detective of the highest order he will start by visiting their families. But first a quick visit to Anders to see what horrible thing he wants them to do for him next.



'NO I AM NOT KILLING ANY MORE TEMP...oh what? Ok that sounds good.'

So Anders claims he has been studying thaumaturgical arts of the Tevinter Magisters and has found a potion he can make to separate himself from vengeance demon Justice. First they need to collect crystalized poop and then a rare stone that can be found in The Bone Pit. Hey Anders lives in the sewers and Urien owns The Bone Pit! So that works out. Rare normalish quest for Anders.

So first we find the Ferelden Urchins the first apostate mage Meredith wants us to track down helped escape Ferelden. She returned to them recently acting all weird. So the kids take Urien to her and...well yeah.



'Wait aren't you possessed by a sloth demon? Shouldn't you be too lazy to kill us and rule the city?'

Anyway after she was slain Urien gave money to help all the Ferelden Urchins.



'Noblesse oblige and all that. Sorry for killing your mentor.'

So since they were already in Darktown might as well descend into the sewers for some Anders-saving crystalized poop. The Sewers were full of apostate mages and Carta lyrium smugglers who KILL ON SIGHT. Damn who would have thought getting shit would be so dangerous?



'So...who wants to be responsible for holding the crystal poop?'

Next they journey on to The Bone Pit. Yep...still a burning wreck. At least no more dragons have moved in. So they descend into the mines and are attacked by a bunch of giant spiders.



'Drakestone...it is fossilized dragon shit isn't it? Nevermind I don't want to know.'

I bet Anders doesn't even need this stuff and just wants to trick us all into handling shit. Anyway that is it! Anders has been saved and he will never make us do anymore crazy stuff...



'DAMMIT!'

I mean what more does he need? All he has to do is mix that potion and he is free. Well anyway a quick change of parties to Sebastian, Fenris, and Merrill and on to the Alienage to find the next mage. His wife is a vendor there and she says he came back acting all nutty telling her he was going to show the world true elven power. So he is going to prance through the forest in a particularly amazing way?



'I have a feeling he does not mean he got tickets to Hawai'i'

So he is going to be back tonight to pick her up. So they go to talk to Anders. On the way they find a secret lair just sort of sitting around all exposed. It is literally a door that is labelled 'secret lair'. Some secret. Anyway this is the demon they freed by killing those other demons before they left for Chateau Haine. He is free and ready to party!



'Not a modesty demon. Actually I think it actually is a pride demon so that works.'

I keep having my guys free these demons and I do not even know why. It is a mania. Well I guess it is for fights like this. This demon has a couple different interesting abilities that includes creating this big ominous circle of powah. The main thing in this fight is to stay out of the circle which is kind of hard to see with all the seizure inducing lights flashing all over the screen and make sure you kill all the adds.



'So can you make out the circle of powah there? Eh? Yeah I thought so. It is the thing that looks like it has an upside down tornado coming out of it'

This group does a pretty good job. Sebastian and Urien take out all the adds while Merrill and Fenris focus on the demon.



'BOOM another non-plot related super boss taken down!'

In the main quest in DA2 all the toughest fights are not even part of the main quest...that is kind of weird. Anders lives close by to this secret lair so they stop by. He wants Urien to help him sneak into the Chantry for...reasons. Yep he will not tell us at all. Bear in mind the last time he had us help him sneak into the Chantry it was a total clusterfuck. But all he wants is for Urien to talk to Grand Cleric Elthina for a few seconds.



'Yeah ok what the fuck are you talking about?'

What does this have to do with his de-Justice-fying potion? Well ok it is not like we don't stroll in there and waste time talking to that useless Grand Cleric enough as it is. But right now the Chantry is closed because it is night time. They go to the Alienage to see if ELF POWER crazy mage is there with his fist in the air. They get there just in time to see him murder his wife to use her blood to gain super powers.



'Seriously they breed them nuts in this town'

This elf is so insane he has Dwarf Casteless tattoos on his face instead of Valleslin. Weirdo. So he turns into a demon and summons a bunch of fade monsters and we kill him. Two apostates down one to go. His name is Emile de Launcet. The son of the guy Leandra Amell was betrothed to. Also the son of Dulci de Launcet who Urien met at the party in Chateau Haine. So Urien goes by their home and Dulci greets him and unlike Meredith has a firm grasp of social graces.



'Really? I guess the Templars do have a modicum of common sense after all'

But she claims not to have seen her boy since he was six. But in an appaling breach of decorum the Comte de Launcet barges in and gets mad at Dulci for helping out Emile. Man what a very convenient outburst!





'Damn Urien is good at this detective stuff'

So it turns out Emile has been drinking and roughing it down at the Hanged Man with the Plebs. Somehow he has been announcing who he was and the Templars have still failed to find him. SHOCKING. Urien goes down to the Hanged Man to discover he just broke out of The Gallows because he was a virgin and wanted to party.



'Wait what kind of books do they have in those Mage libraries?'

So Emile agrees to go back to The Gallows once he becomes a man with a local lady of grace and charm. Having shown himself a master mage hunter by spending a few minutes talking to the obvious people Urien heads back to Meredith.



'Eh I wouldn't watch him too closely. You don't know what his hands are doing under those robes'

He keeps it short and polite with Meredith. It is not time to strike just yet. Or is it? On the way out Urien gets some shocking news. Ser Karras is almost giddy.



'Wait the Right of Annulment?! But...why?'

Cullen gives a dire warning as well.



'To be fair at least Meredith is pretending to follow the law this time'

Pfft no way the Divine would approve the Right of Annulment in this case...I mean would she? For what? Crazy. DAMN WE NEED TO PERFORM OUR COUP. But nothing to do. I guess once again I have to watch this thing rushing along to total disaster.

Speaking of total disaster Urien goes down to the Chantry to help Anders do whatever he is doing. He is really creeping me out by assuring Urien what a great buddy he is and how kind he is to do this. Um all he is doing is talking to the Grand Cleric for a few seconds.



'I have a feeling 'sucker' should have been added to the end of that sentence'

So he walks up to Elthina and asks her to bless him. He needs all the help he can get.



'I hope he grants me strength to potentially wring Anders' neck.'

So they go back to Anders' clinic and Anders has changed clothes to black robes and is trying to give personal items to Varric who rejects them. Well that's ominous. Then he assures Urien he has a ton of respect for him and he has been a great bud and asks him not to take what happens next personally.



'Yeah...so...'



'A better way than what? I thought the whole point of this quest was to separate vengeance from you? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?'

What did I just do? Fuck Anders man. He does realize Urien is trying to overthrow Meredith and calm the situation down? Why can't he just go along with that?

Hell why can't Urien go along with the plan? What are we waiting for?

Varric wants to see Urien in the Hanged Man. It seems he sold Bartrand's old place to some Rivaini noble but something came up in the housing inspection.



'Maybe bump the asking price down a few thousand?'

Instead they are going to investigate. So sure there are a few weird things. Ghostly apparitions, doors slamming, voices and music playing. Ghost Hunters tells me this is the fault of high EMF readings.



'Damn exposed power lines'

So then something weird happens. They find a woman randomly up in Bartrand's old office who Varric mysteriously starts screaming at her that she has the idol.



'Um Varric what the hell?'

So she runs to get outside of the house and gets squashed by a giant ghost golem. Yes you heard me. A giant ghost golem. And a giant battle starts where they get beat up by the golem for a bit then it vanishes and they have to kill lots of fade monsters and then the golem comes back to tenderize their meat some more.



'GHOST GOLEM SMASH!!11'

Then after it falls they discover the golem was a little bit of the idol Bartrand chipped off and kept in his house. Well that explains why giving the thing away didn't make him sane. Then Varric, continuing to lose his shit, asks to hold on to the fragment.



'I mean not to highlight the obvious or anything'

Sandal will take care of the fragment later. Either that or it will make Sandal an insane force for evil. Or is he that already? Not sure.

Speaking of insane forces for evil Merrill wants to talk to Urien next. So off to her house. She has given up trying to get the Eluvian fixed and has made the rational choice of seeking out the demon who helped her earlier to try to fix it.



'Oh wait you mean that cave Urien has been trying to get into for the past six years? Well I don't care how bad of an idea this is they must do this!'

So one more trip up Sundermount.



'I am pretty sure everybody knows that Varric. This game is like watching a dozen slow motion trainwrecks in a row'

Strangely no big fights or anything on this trip up the mountain. It was good they cleared it all later. Just one quick spider fight and then a few demon possessed corpses at the top.



'We can go into the cave! OH HAPPY DAY!'

Inside it a bit of a letdown. Just one big creepy Tevinter Imperium looking shrine to an evil looking Buddha. But ominously the demon has already left its prison.



'Evil Buddha no!'

The Keeper shows up and announces she already freed the demon and made herself an abomination to keep Merrill from doing this horrible thing. GG Merrill.



'The Dalish really know how to lay the guilt on thick'

Then she turns into a giant pride demon, like the one back in Kirkwall they just fought, and here we go again. It basically does the same stuff only weaker without all the adds.



'A demon who gains strength through smart-assness?! Urien's worst nightmare!'

Once the demon is defeated he turns back into the Keeper pretending to be defeated. Urien points out the demon can only be defeated when the Keeper is dead as well so Merrill plunges a dagger into her guts. Merrill mourns. As I have mentioned before you never really save the day in this game just kind of make things slightly less shitty than they might have been

Once Merrill is all cried out they walk outside to find the whole Dalish Clan waiting with arrows drawn ready to kill Merrill for slaying the keeper. Urien promises to take her away and never bring her back.



'You can trust me I am a human'

The Dalish are...uncharacteristically reasonable about the arrangement.



'Will do. I am just heartbroken to never be able to visit Sundermount ever again.'

Seriously screw Sundermount and screw the Dalish. Glad to be done with both of them. They take Merrill back to Kirkwall to start her life of permanent exile from her people.



'Well Isabela is your best bud so you will probably end up on our pirate crew eventually'

Urien returns home and gives Sandal the fragment to destroy.



'I just made Sandal's day!'

He destroys it and uses the residue to create a unique weapon rune. I think I will hold onto it for the time being. Surely there is a better sword than that silly thing Urien has been using since Act 2.

Urien returns to Varric to let him know the deed is done.



'Don't worry half of Kirkwall is possessed by demons at any one time.'

Then they celebrate the sixth anniversary of when Varric pinned that cutpurse to a wall with a crossbow bolt way back in Act 1. Urien returns home to nurse his hangover.

And here we have a lull in the action. Time for Legacy!



A secret buried within! I know you are all intrigued! Well actually you all probably know the secret but I am intrigued!

[Valmy]

If we are lucky while Bethany and Urien are away at the Vimmark Mountains Meredith will try to carry out the Rite of Annulment and all the mages and Templars will kill each other.

[viper37]

If we are lucky while Bethany and Urien are away at the Vimmark Mountains Meredith will try to carry out the Rite of Annulment and all the mages and Templars will kill each other.

You'd just wish, don't you?

[Valmy]

One thing I noticed on the way up Sundermount is that Merrill stopped by that altar Flemeth was revived at in Act 1 and said a prayer to Mythal. So I started thinking: aha! Flemeth is Mythal! So I looked it up in the Codex and Mythal is the Goddess of Protection, Love, Motherhood, and Justice

So probably not 

Besides, as I speculated earlier, she has the form of the Old Gods who were worshipped by the Tevinters so I think she is either Razikale, the Goddess of Mystery, or the mysterious 8th Old God.

[Valmy]

You'd just wish, don't you?

It would sure be nice.

Legacy might earn the prize for epic per square inch in Dragon Age so far.