Most Excitement ... Going Through Customs?

[crazy canuck]

Was it to save gas?

Yep, gas prices were crazy high as I recall.  Everyone did it so it wasnt that my driver was crazy.  He just had an easier time getting up that hill than most.

[Josephus]

I may have said this story once before. But I'll say it again. This is a bit off topic, but will touch upon Customs. Bear with me.

The last time I went to Israel was in 08, I think? It was March. the day of a major snowstorm. I managed to get to the airport on time, but hardly anyone else was there yet. Anyone who has travelled El Al knows that you do get screened before you even check in to the counter. You get asked standard questions. Why the fuck you wanna go to Israel? Who bought your ticket, etc.

I was travelling for work. I was a guest of the Jewish Agency, based in New York. I was flying out of Toronto. When I told them I didn't buy my ticket, the guy got all excited. "Who did?" "I don't know, someone in New York." "Who?"

They asked me who was meeting me. I shrugged my shoulders. "Just going to a hotel in Jersualem. Meeting up with other journalists flying out of New York."

They pulled me aside. This line of questioning went on for a while. "Do you have no contacts in Israel? Anyone we could call to verify your story?" Finally I found an itinerary which had some guy's name who worked for the J.A. in Jerusalem. They called him up. It was 3 am Israel time. They approved me. And I went to the passenger lounge to wait boarding.

Flight was delayed an hour or so. Prior to boarding they did a routine selection and sure enough they chose me. They pulled me aside. Went through hand luggage. Frisked me with a swifter. I was last to board.

El Al airplane taxied down the runway. After 30 minutes it stopped. "Ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking. Due to the slippery conditions we are going to have to wait. Please stay in your seats."

It took six. Six hours of sitting on the runway. I should point out this was a Thursday p.m flight. This is important for what is to follow.

By the time we took off it was early morning Friday Toronto time. By the time we crossed the Atlantic we got another message from El Capitan. "Ladies and gentlemen unfortunately as you know El Al cannot fly on Shabbos. By the time we get to Tel Aviv it will be Shabbos. We can't land in Israel."

We landed in Geneva instead. Switzerland. Or was it Bern? I don't remember.

We waited three hours.Finally they boarded us (except for religiious passengers who had to spend Shabbos in Switzerland), they boarded the rest of us on a Charter Airline, owned and operated by El Al but doesn't actually say El Al anywhere on it, thus making it kosher. We landed in Israel, finally very late on Friday night.

No one, of course, was there to greet me. I took a taxi to my hotel in Jerusalem.

Next morning I met my group at breakfast. Guy came up to me. "YOu Josephus from Canada? The guy they woke me up for at 3 am?"

He laughed.

Spent five days in Israel. A fair bit of it at a military base on the Lebanese border.

Finally went back to airport to fly home.

Lining up to check in. I am nervous now. I am normally a nervous person. But now I was super nervous. Security guy spotted me like a chick in a bikini. He walks up to me. "Passport?" I give it to him. "Where you flying to?" "Toronto". "Who bought your tickets. ""

fuck, not this again,  I think. I tell him.
"Why are you so nervous?"
"I always am nervous," I say.
"Is it a medical condition?"
"NOt really."
"Do you have a doctor's note?"
Are you shitting me? "NO."
He places a sticker on the back of my passport. It was blue. Everyone else's was pink. I was really nervous now.

Go to check in my bag. Girl looks at passport. Sees the sticker. "You go over there."
fuck.

I go over there. Another girl. A cute one, probably a reservist. She opens my luggage and goes through it.I hoped she didn't notice my dirty underwear.  When she's done I start, with shaking hands, to put everything back. From previous expereince with opened luggage in Toronto, the customs people make you pack everything back. This girl was different. "You want to do it or shall I?" she asks. I shrug. She smiles. We both do it.

I check my bag. I'm thinking all is over.

Go to security check in now. Guy looks at sticker on my passport. "You over there."

Oh for fuck sakes.

I go over there.

guy takes my passport. He puts through the swifter that checks for drugs/explosives residue. I'm a bit worried because I spent two days at a military base, where there's a fair bit of gunpowder residue. He starts aksing me questions. "Where you coming from? Where did I visit?" I decide to skip the miltiary base. I hope he doesn't go through my camera. "did I ever go to Jordan? Egypt? Syria?" blah blah. No. No. "Take off your belt."

He puts that through the swifter machine.

he then closes a drape. Take off your shoes, socks, shirt and pants.

I'm now just about naked. He goes through them, my clothes, very carefully.

Then another guy comes. A suited older fellow. Probably a head security guy. they start talking in Hebrew.

"Where is your passport?" He asks me.

My heart sinks. As I stood almost naked in front of him, I realize I had no idea where my passport was. I point to the other fellow with a shaking hand. "He has it."

the new guy grabs my passport and looks through it. "Why are you so nervous?" he asks.

Are you fucking for real? "You make me nervous," I say. "Plus it's been a long day. I'm tired." I now sound annoyed.

He gives me my passport. "Have a good flight."

Once in the main terminal I relax a bit, though I can't shake the feeling that every security camera is looking at me. There's a kosher mc donalds. I was hungry. Trying to lighten my mood I ask the guy at the counter. "How do you say Big Mac in Hebrew?"

the guy laughs. "Beeg Muck"

[Malthus]

Oh man, that sounds hellish - aside from the incident with the pastels that was briefly allarming (yelling in Hebrew, being pulled out of the line) but ended in laughs when the "bullets" proved to be pastels ... I always got lucky going through Israeli customs. Both times going in, they picked *the guy in front of me* for the full 'treatment', while just waving me in. 

[crazy canuck]

I am horrified to learn there is a kosher McDs

[Eddie Teach]

There's even McDonalds in India.

[Barrister]

I am horrified to learn there is a kosher McDs

There are McDonalds everywhere...

And they're surprisingly good about regionalizing their menu.

[Josephus]

This McDonalds at Ben-Gurion Airport was really kosher, not just "A" McDonalds.

[alfred russel]

Me, my two younger cousins, and our respective parents, went to travel around Portugal (the things we did back then for relaxation...).

We were in line to go through customs, with our parents in the line just ahead of us, and us at the end of our line. My younger female cousin was between me and her brother.

I found out this would not be a normal trip through customs when, after caressing my leg for a bit, she put her hands inside both my trousers and her brother's, and proceeded to give us both handjobs. I'll never know how our parents never realized. Can't believe they did not glance back. I know I did my best to hold my voice to a normal tone.

Later she was very adamant we stop 'to use the restroom' at baggage claim, and in that interval my cousins... invited me for a bit of fun, so to say. It was also at the time that they told me what they had been doing for some years.

It was just that one time for me, and in retrospect I should had been more careful.

[Admiral Yi]

 

Your cousin jacked you and her brother off in the line for Portuguese customs??

[Eddie Teach]

 

[Jacob]

Your cousin jacked you and her brother off in the line for Portuguese customs??

You should read Martim's post in the off topic thread.

EDIT: in the incest thread.

[Admiral Yi]

Asoka.

[Savonarola]

My brother worked for customs as an Agricultural Inspector at the land border crossings in Detroit.  He said the most unusual thing they found was a missile.  It was a Korean War era relic and headed to a museum; but the academics bringing it over had no documentation whatsoever.  It never occurred to them that there would be any difficulty crossing an international border with a missile.

[Malthus]

My brother worked for customs as an Agricultural Inspector at the land border crossings in Detroit.  He said the most unusual thing they found was a missile.  It was a Korean War era relic and headed to a museum; but the academics bringing it over had no documentation whatsoever.  It never occurred to them that there would be any difficulty crossing an international border with a missile.

Which direction was it heading?

[alfred russel]

My brother worked for customs as an Agricultural Inspector at the land border crossings in Detroit.  He said the most unusual thing they found was a missile.  It was a Korean War era relic and headed to a museum; but the academics bringing it over had no documentation whatsoever.  It never occurred to them that there would be any difficulty crossing an international border with a missile.

If I was going to try to recruit North Korean sympathizers to form an underground army, academics would be one of the two groups I would begin with (the other of course being south carolina document reviewers).