Valmy's waste of valuable time AAR thread

[Valmy]

Ok so now that I have the summer off school I have time to do awesome things like try to succeed in my International Khazar Conspiracy Game, or the Protocols of the Elders of Tukestan or whatever.

Naturally my first Khan was sure he would ride on to Jerusalem and be declared melech mashiach as you do.  But there is a rule in CK2.  The Pechenegs and Khazars have an agreement that there can only be one ruler of the lower Volga so a brutal fight to the death followed.  Many mercenaries and event troops fell.  But at the end of it the Elohim anointed King over all Turko-Israel was victorious.  Next Year we shall kick ass in Jerusalem.

[Valmy]

You may notice that only smallish Goyim realms lay between Israel and Hashem's chosen Turks.  So the plan was to hack our way through and be sure the Abbasids and Byzantines would be smited so we would know his name is the Lord.  But it seems the Cumans also could not stand there being more than one ruler of all Turkestan so Khazaria and its glorious King had to beat them back and then down. 

And this is where my favorite pattern of this game starts.  Every time Khazaria got into a war on one end of the Kingdom a war (and usually an religious revolt as well) would sprout up at the other end.  So the Cumans were beaten but the Tengris in the West rose up in revolt and the Magyar King invaded in search of the legendary beet fields of the Crimea.

So with the might of Sampson Manasseh II smashed the Cumans and then rode over the traitorous rebels before engaging the Magyars in the decisive battle of glory!



And promptly got his ass kicked.  Many beet fields were ceded after being watered by the blood of good Turkish boys.

Rather embarrassingly once the Hungarians got into some scrapes with the Czechs, our vassal the Duke of Azov successfully drove the Hungarians out of the East for good.  Ah well it all belongs to mother Khazaria.

In order to get the East to quiet down so we could start out glorious march to Jerusalem, the Turkomen got a good smashing.  Of course the Armenians invaded and the erm...Suomowhomevers rose up in revolt.



Back and forth we go.  Seriously this is getting tiresome it literally takes months to ride from East to West and momentum continues to push the borders further east.  That and we can only summon about 3000+mercs total.  I an starting to think Manasseh II may not be mashiach after all.  The religious problems are really ridiculous, without any holy sites under my control the moral authority of Jews never gets above about 40% or so, so you can forget about converting anybody fast.  I mean sure you have to be circumcised but people convert to Islam don't they?



The Armenians have been hacked through but of course the Cumans are not done.  As you can see Manasseh II has become quite the Torah scholar, finding all the reasons in scripture why being Jewish sucks.  I decided that since we are the only Jewish realm in the area that I wanted to get as much of my dynasty involved as possible so I have been working hard to get counties for every male who even be mistaken for an adult from a distance while squinting.  So I went with Seniority succession figuring that kind of made sense.

[Valmy]

In February 905...er...I mean in Adar of 4665 Manasseh II died, having destroyed many of his enemies and enlarged his realm a great deal despite having suffered many defeats on the battlefield.  His son Nisi, a great Torah scholar but otherwise unexceptional, took over as Great Khan of Khazaria.  As you can see the Abbasids have been busy and now the western door to the promised land has mostly been shut.  That does not bother a true believer like Nisi though who drove his soldiers forward determined to strike down the Idolaters.



Yeah we are going to get our asses kicked.  Fortunately Nisi died of disease just two years into his wars of conquest having only conquered Georgia.  His brother Dawid, Duke of the Turkomen, took over as Khan.  Dawid is a military man who saw that shit was about to go down.



Nisi's conquests finally got the attention of Bulgaria and the Byzantine Empire and in a few butt kickings they put an end to Khazar ambitions in the west.  Dawid turns the Khazar horde eastwards.  Not sure how we will get to Jerusalem that way.



Much blobing going on in that direction.  Pretty much the opposite of what we hoped would happen.

The Shia Mahdi has taken power in Baghdad (with the Abbasids in Damascus) which...might be interesting.  Anyway Dawid leads his troops eastwards.



And of course the Bulgarians take the opportunity to invade again.  This time we kick the crap out of them.



Yeah that was awesome.  Fuck you Bulgars.

So anyway here we are in July of 932...er...rather in Av in 4692. 



Still more Cumans and Kirghiz to bring under the sway of the Elohim anointed King of Turko-Israel.  But I am not really sure what to do now.  The Finns in Perm above me have a mighty nation that includes the Bolgars but that darn pagan attrition thing makes any war against them something I would rather not contemplate.  Maybe the Samanids and conquer Persia, then westwards to Jerusalem?  All silk roads lead to the promised land?  I don't know a little afraid to tackle the Muslims.  And of course somewhere around 990 the Seljuks will show up and that is what usually ends my Khazar games.  I know garbon has a rather gamey way of handling this problem but it seems to cheap...

Anyway how quickly will Valmy lose and his dreams of seeing his Turks be melekh mashiach be smashed?  If he stays interested you may find out here.

[jimmy olsen]

As you can see Manasseh II has become quite the Torah scholar, finding all the reasons in scripture why being Jewish sucks.

Great AAR Valmy!

[Norgy]

I'm reading. More, please.

[Legbiter]

Be a Moses to your people Valmy and lead them from the steppes into the light. Onward to Jerusalem.

[jimmy olsen]

Looks like you have an opportunity to take back the Crimea.

[garbon]

I know garbon has a rather gamey way of handling this problem but it seems to cheap...

Well yes, I suggest you take on the Samanids so when the Ghaznavids pop up in a little bit, they can crack your skulls before the Seljuks roll around.

[grumbler]

Great AAR.  I'm all verklempt.

[Valmy]

I know garbon has a rather gamey way of handling this problem but it seems to cheap...

Well yes, I suggest you take on the Samanids so when the Ghaznavids pop up in a little bit, they can crack your skulls before the Seljuks roll around.

Oh hell who are the Ghaznavids?  I am pretty much boned out east aren't I?

[garbon]

Got added with addition of India.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghaznavids

[Valmy]

Oh hell they are even from Kirghistan.  Maybe I should attack the Crimea after all.  No hordes will hit the Balkans anytime soon.  I just want to avoid something like getting gangbanged by crusades, but then it looks like I am going to gangbanged no matter where.

The Khazar AAR: come for the gangbang.

[grumbler]

come for the gangbang.

... stay for the pie.

[Razgovory]

Holy Shit, the HRE formed.  I've never seen that happen.

[fhdz]

Torah! Torah! Torah!